Zhou Pei Lin

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

Yin Yang

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chris (one-year-gap)
leck koon
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Sunday, August 31, 2003

I'm fscking stoned.

Really stoned.

Can't even walk straight now.

Well better than last night, when I literally crawled to my room after the drinking session with Fei, YF and Sequence. Oh well. It was goooooood. I have missed that stuff. The beer I mean. *grins*

Fscking stoned.

. // prawninator | 21:31 + ~

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Yesterday was cool. Yeah, really. Woke up really early... Around 6am. Yes, I didn't know why I did, but I did. He then called me at 7am to supposedly wake me up. Talked for a few minutes and hung up, when he had to go for chemical warfare training. He didn't like it one bit. *grins* Ended up having a half-day.

As for me... I went back to sleep at around 11am, to wake up at 12:45pm! I was thinking, I'm gonna miss my exam and everything... But I managed to get there at about 2:15, and I was allowed to sit for the paper. Even Rudz was later than I was. *laughs*. So I completed my paper fifteen minutes before five, and headed downstairs where I bumped into Armani and Vivien. They then told me to wait for the other two (Colin and Rudz) to discuss a clubbing outing tonight. Whatever it is, I ain't going. No money.

So anyway, they came down, and I called him, who called me during my exam. He said he was still in camp, and then I told him I was heading to Takashimaya. Just a few steps away from the train station, I snubbed out my cigarette, and turned around to see... HIM. I was shocked of course. He started grinning and I just playfully punched him, wondering what he would have done to me. Maybe like that escalator thing not too long ago. *laughs* So Rudz me and him went down to Takashimaya. Met Hanz there, and we sampled UT2K3 for a while before heading down to PS where we met up with Rav. No one else was gonna turn up so we had dinner at Yoshinoya walked around a bit more and then took a cab down to Yishun, where he dropped off to get to camp and where the rest of us took the train down to Bukit Batok. Slacked around in Coffee Bean while waiting for the movie and the other guys Brandon, Daniel and Sulaiman.

Daniel's hair is so fscking long now. He looks like a goddamn girl from the back man! Hehehe. Brandon still looks the same, just as sickly, just as pale. Sulaiman looks good. Wahahaha. Just as chubby! Damn, I missed these fellas. So we watched S.W.A.T. Rav made a comment about Bran, Dan and Man taking out their notepads and taking notes of the movie. *grins* Had supper at the usual 24hr kopitiam in Teck Whye and couldn't finish my fried rice, so Bran took the rest. Heh. Had a good laugh with the guys. Talked about TFC, Arabel, Menzoberranzan, other games... *sighs*

And now, I've only got garlic bread for dinner.


. // prawninator | 20:02 + ~

Friday, August 29, 2003

Was at home studying all afternoon.. until Samantha asked me to go along with her and Nick to Funan. I mean, HEH. They're a couple and she asks me to come along?! Okay I was reluctant at first... and since I had to pass her a guitar (she's borrowing one of mine to learn how to play from Nick) I went to meet them. Honestly, can't get any cornier than this pair.

Don't hit me. *winks*

Went to Funan to get some screen protectors for Nick's phone and PDA, and Samantha remarked how her PDA was just a few models older than his... and things like that. HEH. I mean, I don't even have a PDA. Just a laptop that is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS low on RAM. I mean, I can't even play a decent half an hour of TFC online without the computer switching off on its own. Then I start missing my desktop. Argh.

So after getting the screen protectors, we went down to KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut for dinner. Had a burrito whose contents closely resembled thickened puke. I voiced this out, and Sam almost couldn't swallow hers down anymore. *grins and laughs* Sorry babe. I just -had- to. Had a smoke, then the three of us walked to the Esplanade. Through Citylink Mall however, my platforms gave way, and I had to walk barefoot all the way to the Esplanade, and later after a while of singing and playing the guitar, we walked to One Fullerton. Me of course, barefooted.

Since there were no cabs around, had to call for one. *sighs*

There goes my money... why did I even agree to come out in the first place when I have a paper in the afternoon the next day? I'm so fscking dead. *sighs* Advertising: Effective Strategy and Practice. Dead dead dead dead dead dead. Wonder if Ghee Kah will be there. *laughs*

Did I mention I'm the only other person in my class doing advertising for my graduation project other than Swensen? Yep, I'm fscking screwed. Colin, Armani, Rudz and the rest will never EVER let this go by. *grumbles*

I'll just have to.. Grin and bear it.

*grumbles some more*

The only consolation I have is that I'll be meeting some of the IDM members and some of the Singaporean Menzoids. Yeah, that should cheer me up. DINNER! Yay! And it's so long since I've met up with them.. let alone Hanz, whom I last met last Christmas. *sighs* Starry's coming back somewhere in December. Bought Audrey WC3 and now she's hooked. Again.

They're so sweet.


. // prawninator | 01:04 + ~

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

He came over today to spend his halfday and now all is right in the world. *laughs* No, seriously. I was thinking last night, and realised that yeah, he probably was too tired to even call, considering the fact that he has rehearsals every other day and such. But I guess it's just the fact that I'm not used to it, with him calling every night. Oh well.

He strung up my brother's guitar and restrung my old classical. *grins* Experimenting with the little Floyd-Rose thing on the electric, and hoping that the string on my classical wouldn't snap. Heh... So me and my brother both have guitars to play with tonight, and it's all thanks to him! Heehee. *smiles*

When he left, my mom scolded me. *laughs* It was really funny. She scolded me for my black nails. Yes, black nails, as in... nails with black nailpolish? *laughs* She was saying something like "Can you not paint your nails black? It's horrible! What if he don't want you already huh?". My mother is so cute sometimes... she doesn't know that... well... he's that kinda person too so *shrugs and grins*

Well... he just left for his guitar lesson.

I don't understand why he still needs lessons, actually.


. // prawninator | 21:22 + ~

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm like this... terrible ball of frustration, angst and hate. I don't understand why. WHY?

I just feel so fscking lost. Took my journalism paper today, I'm sooo sooo sooo SOOOOO STRESSED and guess what? He's not going to call tonight. I'm almost sure of it.. Make that I'm SURE of it. Yeah. He's not gonna call, didn't call at all today. I mean like... what the hell... the one person I want to talk to, and he doesn't want to talk to me? I'm like already so stressed, so lost... and now this.


And besides, he's having a halfday tomorrow. Will I be meeting him? Judging from his tone, most probably not. Hahaha. I don't know lah, he'll probably be too tired to do anything let alone go anywhere, so I should be considerate. Yeah, let him rest.

But where am I?

I'm lost...

Am I asking for too much...?

. // prawninator | 23:46 + ~

Well. Met my doom. And horror of horrors, the next class was acting like monkeys and making a hell lot of noise. I almost slammed down my pen and beat on the bloody thin partition walls that seperated us, and I really, REALLY felt like tearing down the damned material, grabbing the nearest neck and flinging him/her out of the bloody window. *grumbles*

Well that's one obstacle down. Journalism and News Broadcasting. Yay. I'm done with my advertising assignment, now I just gotta rush through my Journalism assignment. So help me God. But damn this, I don't know how to fscking start. What what what?! I'm so fscking dead, I'll just cut and paste my assignment. Yeah. That's what I should do. Right? Right.

I'll add a bibliography too.

"Entire excerpt from http://blahblahblah.blah."

I'm so fscking dead.

Somebody save me...?

. // prawninator | 19:57 + ~


First of two exams kick off today.

Journalism and News Broadcasting.

I'm so dead.

Just decided to pen this down before I head for school to meet my doom. And guess what? My assignment is due today. And guess WHAT?! I have NOT finished it. Whoop-de-do. I'm even more deader than I though. *grumbles* I'll do it tonight. Finish it I mean, yeah, finish it. I already have the intro done. I just need another 1000 words. Yeah.

Dead dead dead.

And in case I don't return from school...

Well... *shrugs*


. // prawninator | 11:13 + ~

Monday, August 25, 2003


Senior and Shan just.. never mind, I shan't elaborate.

Yesterday was okay. Went out with Shan and Sam and him. It was really funny. Didn't take any pictures with Samantha, though I took some with him and Shan. Can't upload any as yet though. *grins*

Wait, try this.

Ignore the fingers? Hehehe.

Well... does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work does it work?? I can see it, but I don't know if you can... *sighs*

Anyway that picture's of me and Shannen... and the fingers behind our heads belong to him. *laughs*

I don't want to reveal his idenity (his request) so I won't post his picture, or any picture that includes his face... which means... no more. *grumbles* Okay, I have a photo, so what? *smiles* At least I have him, I think.


He told me that having a girlfriend.. isn't any different from not having a girlfriend. Maybe I should clarify this. *sighs* Then again maybe I shouldn't. We're happy, and going any further might just kill one of us. So I'll leave it as it is...

But is this what I want.....?

. // prawninator | 02:11 + ~

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Spent a good three hours with him... *smiles* Happy happy. Yeah, very happy. I almost didn't get a chance to see him today too, because of some.. weird anniversary thing. Well... he got himself an MC and took a cab down to my place, where we talked at a playground.

It felt really good to be in his arms again. I had missed him. Loads. Almost didn't want him to leave... *sighs*

Hope I'll get to see him later today... Don't want something funny to happen again like it almost did today. After all, I almost only get the weekends with him, unless I'm lucky enough, and I'll get a special bonus weekday. Hehehe.

I'm beginning to miss him already.


. // prawninator | 02:06 + ~

Friday, August 22, 2003

It's almost 4am. I couldn't sleep. Probably the after effects of Team Fortress Classic ravaging my brain. Damn, it's really good to be back. I haven't really played online in a long while, and I was beginning to think that I was losing my touch.

But I was wrong.

I had totally LOST my touch. I was now as rusty as the titanic down in the bottom of the sea and deteriorating with every minute. Well at least I felt that way. But after a while of warming up, Mike, Remy and I took over the map. 3 vs 3, we dominated 2-Fort, my all-time favourite map so far. All we needed was teamwork, and soon we were flying in the skies and swimming in the water.

It felt good.

I have to do this more often... the kills... the grenades... the sentry-guns... the adrenaline rush you get with games like these... takes my mind off... several other matters.

Didn't really get to talk to him tonight. I mean, it's my fault... I was at a friend's birthday celebration and I couldn't hear him, and he couldn't hear me... so we kinda abruptly hung up. When I could call him back, he had to go sleep. *sighs* I miss him... I miss wrapping my arms around him... and him wrapping his around me... *sighs*

Maybe I'll get to see him later today.

Yeah, that should get me going. *grins*

. // prawninator | 04:04 + ~

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Left the house yesterday for the purpose of studying for my Advertising AND waiting for him to arrive. Travelled all the way to Yishun and plonked myself down to a meal at Mc's. At about 1445 I went roaming around before settling myself down at Starbucks, Milliard SMS-ing me once in a while.

I tried to concentrate on Advertising, but gave up and started reading R.A. Salvatore's Homeland (of the Dark Elf Trilogy) again. Yes, again. This had to be the fifth or sixth time I was reading the book. But anyway, found out that Ash (Milliard) was also at Northpoint and so met up with him.

Ash is quite an interesting fella, really. I don't think he wanted to meet me at first because he said he didn't look good (and that's plain bull, Ash.) but I think I mananged to persuade him! I can't really recall at this point at what we talked about... but we sure talked alot. Heh.

*cough*He*cough* then told me he wasn't going to be able to meet me after all. Disappointed as I was, I know it's hard for him so I went to have dinner at about 2100 before heading home. Said goodbye to Ash and hailed a cab home (before my mother wrung my neck) Reached home at about 10pm, with the cab driver rattling on and on about the Singapore government and his past ventures. Very interesting people sometimes, cab drivers. Hehehe.

He then called me that night. Talked for a while until he was really tired, and had to go to bed. *sighs* I miss him. Guess I'll only be able to see him Friday. But it's all right, at least I'll get to see him. *grins*

. // prawninator | 16:22 + ~

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Early morning, Tuesday. What's gonna happen today? Well I don't know.

My schedule is pretty empty... besides the study session with my classmates at 10am (omigod, that's like 40 minutes away!), I ain't got nothing else on... but with the current situation, money, time and everything else, I think I'll be heading straight home. Nothing much else to do, and he'll be stuck in camp tonight too. I'll be going to Yishun tomorrow just to see him though. *smiles slightly*

Repainted my nails. They're growing well, besides the fact that I've got to cut the skin around them so they can grow properly. The index fingernail of my left hand had already started growing under the skin. Yeeeeesh.. It hurts.

All right, I gotta go already. This has been a short entry as yet, but it kinda took me ten minutes to write. Wonder why. *shrugs*

Take care...

. // prawninator | 09:32 + ~

Monday, August 18, 2003

That's a big grin, I know.


My smile...

My craziness...

Where did it go...?

Where did it all go...?

. // prawninator | 01:52 + ~

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I wish..

I wish I had just a little more money
So that my family wouldn't be in such financial problems

I wish I had just a little more time
So that I could study harder and not be such a failure

I wish I had just a little more friends
So that I wouldn't be so lonely all the time

I wish...

I wish that...

I wish that I just could be loved...
For who I am...

I wish that I could be loved...
Just... loved...

All I want is to be loved... then my other problems wouldn't hurt so bad...

But then again... wishes don't come true do they...

. // prawninator | 20:57 + ~

He did the scariest thing today. I was to meet him at Bras Basah today... and when I got there I dropped him an SMS telling him to call me when he got there. Know what he did? Not only did he NOT call, when I was going up the escalator, he crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. Gave me the shock of my life. I was just too stunned to elbow or kick him, let alone scream. Sheesh!

But it was sweet of him though.

Attended my granny's birthday celebration tonight while he went to watch a movie with his mother at Great World City. Hugged my granny happy birthday and she said that of all of them, I was the only one that loved her the most... though I don't understand how. She lives with three of my cousins and I don't go visit her every week like the rest of them do... I just feel bad... she's seventy-four this year.. She looks healthy, but you never know. I don't want to see her die... *sighs*

I didn't eat much, wasn't feeling hungry at all. Passed all my food to Kai instead. Like my shark's fin soup. But that's what I do all the time anyways. I just can't take rich food like that. Just ate some xiaobaicai and some chicken... but that was it. I couldn't even eat my noodles. Argh.

Reached home to find two MDIS letters waiting for me. Failed three and got a C for one. That's terrible. ARGH. Now I gotta study for like six examinations instead of just two. Anyway took a shower and watched TV with my parents and brother.. before he called. I told him about a dream Samantha had a while back, and he was freaked out. He doesn't want to have kids, apparently. Doesn't matter, I don't really want any either. Hassle, for one thing. Heh.

Actually I think that I'm...

Never mind, I'll keep this to myself...

*smiles and sighs*

. // prawninator | 02:55 + ~

Friday, August 15, 2003

"Gdnite my dear and never fear 4 i am here always errr.... oh so near and err... 4ever be my dear 4 u are err ever so queer here deer.. i dunno you continue it"

Honestly, can you get any sweeter than that? *laughs* Peer beer leer shear career hear tear bleargh. Hahahaha. Really... he's like the sweetest guy I've ever met, no matter how quiet he might seem to other people... *smiles and sighs*

. // prawninator | 23:30 + ~

"There are girls out there who are chio mah... I look at them too... but if I wanted to be with someone, it would be you..."

Sweet right? He just told me that over the phone just now... I felt I just HAD to get it down... I feel warm and fuzzy inside. We're nearing our second week... and as selfish as I seem, I don't want this honeymoon period to end, although it will, eventually... Well it takes two hands to clap. I want us to be able to go through this... *sighs* I miss him.

Apparently I had barged into his personal life when he least expected anyone to... I remember him saying he'll never get himself a girlfriend etc. etc... Hahaha. "I haven't told anyone that I've got a girlfriend... except for my friend in Australia." He never liked saying the word "girlfriend"... and I told him that it's probably because he never had one before. Now that he's with me, he reckons he's gotta get used to saying that. Heh.

He's weird... but in a good way.

I miss him.

. // prawninator | 18:33 + ~

My blog's not updating itself...

It seems that I can only access the latest posts when I click them from external sources... What the hell is wrong? Someone help me out...


. // prawninator | 10:04 + ~

Which [Rainbow Colours] are you?

. // prawninator | 08:44 + ~

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Spent a glorious night out with him last night. Well, maybe not -THAT- glorious. We were the butt of Shan and Sam's incessant teasing and jokes. It was funny, but sometimes I just don't get the jokes they tell... or the crappy things they came up with. *shrugs and grins* But it was a good laugh. Three insane girls sitting in a McDonald's join in Toa Payoh laughing their butts off. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

So let's see.
They saw a mural of the "McDonald Clan" and started to associated the characters on the wall with us. Up till now, I still don't get it. So anyways.
Shan - Birdie (Don't ask me why, I don't know)
Sam - Hamburglar (Don't ask me why either, I don't know)
Me - Grimace (He's short, fat and best of all, PURPLE!)
Him - Ronald McDonald (Maybe 'cos he's tall and lanky or something)

Well yeah.

After that Sam had to leave for home and Shannen went back too, with me and him in Toa Payoh wandering around the corridors and buildings... and also looking for a toilet that wasn't so crowded. Heh! Oh well.

I think it'll be some time before I go meet them (them being Shan and Sam) TOGETHER again. I had stomach cramps by the time I got home.

Today was different though. It was my last day of school. The lesson was journalism today and I was half-an-hour late. I'm always late, yes. But the weather was particularly bad today. Everyone was talking about Mars. I couldn't F*toot*ING see it. My house faces the North West and by the time the moon crossed over to my side of the window, I was already fast asleep. *grumbles* He saw it, or at least he thinks he did. Saw a red dot near the moon this morning. Lucky fella. I missed it. Entirely. Perhaps it wouldn't be too far away from the moon tonight... Or I'll just watch out for Venus. *shrugs*

Mr. Padhman went through our notes with us and we took down tips for the exams. Everyone was nervous, even Colin. We then settled our Graduation Project Synopsis Form and handed it up. Everyone else is doing Journalism. I'm working on Advertising... so I need all the help I can get.

Wish me luck..

*crosses fingers*

. // prawninator | 14:37 + ~

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Funny. He told me he didn't love me. Yes he did. Well not really. He said it's too early to tell when I asked him if he loved me...

But we're happy anyways...

Should I leave it as that?

. // prawninator | 17:29 + ~

Monday, August 11, 2003

Damn group assignement. Stressing my brains out. Bah bah bah bah bah. I can't help it though. Heh. Spent the holiday weekend out. Yeah it's one of the rare times that I get a holiday. Won't have one for a while... unless God is kind and decides to drop a public holiday on a Sunday so I can have a Monday off, at least. Heh. Yeah right Perlin, wishful thinking.

I feel special. I feel wanted and I feel needed... but I have a feeling this might turn into something bad. Oh well, no further comment.

I'm fscking tired for some reason.

I need sleep.

. // prawninator | 21:32 + ~

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Happy belated National Day.

Somehow or rather I managed to create a scene in IRC. I left hanging a comment about floor detergent and went for dinner. Shannen got scared and called me and told me she was worried... And I told her I had to go. Mainly because I had a large bowl of my food and spoon balanced on my hands as I answered the phone... So I put it down rather abruptly. Then went around calling people I knew and getting my address and so on and so forth. Well I didn't mean to make her panic... but I guess my dinner caused the situation to take a funny turn. She came down with Yangfeng... only to find out it was a false alarm.

Argh. I really didn't mean to create that much of a fuss with that comment? After all it was just a question. Someone actually told me that Magiclean floor detergent DID NOT taste nice. Heh. So anyway... we talked a while a little distance away from my block, and YF and me kinda... teased Shannen about the entire situation. I think she got pissed (sorry babe) when we were talking over IRC. *sighs*

Don't worry Shannen, I'll repay your act of kindness and concern somehow. Don't worry okay? Just don't be angry with me anymore... :(

. // prawninator | 09:53 + ~

Saturday, August 09, 2003

It's been an emotional roller-coaster ride the past few weeks...

Incredibly happy, and the next moment, terribly depressed. I really don't know what to do or say at the moment... I just wish my life would end. It just hurts too goddamn much. Fsck.

Will the tears ever stop?

I don't know.

Why am I hurt again and again?

I hate roller-coasters.

Somebody kill me please.


. // prawninator | 12:42 + ~

Thursday, August 07, 2003

It seems like everyone's been revamping/creating blogs as of late. Strange. Is this a new trend? I remember my old diary back at FreeOpenDiary. That was a looooooooooooong time ago. Ever since the O's ended I think. That's about three years ago. This one however has been with me since February 2002. Heh. *shrugs*

Shannen just revamped her blog as well. Guthrie just started his too. Along with several other people... But most of them don't want to be linked heh.

School's been tough. Advertising and Journalism are both extremely tough modules and have been sucking the life out of me and my classmates as of late. Sheesh. One more week... One more week and my syllabus will be done... after another week... then it's the exams on the 26th and the 29th of August. After that, I would have completed my diploma in Mass Communications. That's really quick.

But I really need a break.

Hopefully I'll get one soon....


. // prawninator | 01:08 + ~

Monday, August 04, 2003

Ah yes, a new day. Pretty uneventful, yes... but very... I dunno. Heh. Funny feeling. Oh well. Never mind. I think I shouldn't talk too much anyways.

So what's up?

Nothing much. School, school school.


That's pretty much my life lately.

It has really been a pretty amazing week. Both good AND bad.

But I'm glad this week's over so I can look forward to the week ahead.


. // prawninator | 23:04 + ~

Nothing can describe how I feel right now, but the closest I can get is that my stomach is filled with tiny little butterflies flitting around... and my heart just sprouted wings and soared over cloud nine. It was amazing. I didn't feel it coming, nor had I felt it in a while... but it was lovely. Simply lovely. Pleasantly surprised, yes. Hahaha. Very much so.

It was funny, at first. We ran into this surveyor person at the crossing between Takashimaya and Mandarin Hotel, and then he decided to trick her.
Without me knowing.

H = him
M = me
S = Surveyor

S: Hi, may I just conduct a quick survey?
H: Uh, ok..
M: *just nods*
S: So *cough* what is your favourite shopping center?
H: *looks at list*
M: None?
H: Others.
S: Ok. So how often do you come to Orchard Road?
H: More than thrice a month.
M: Uhh... never?
S: Oh, okay. Are you a Singaporean, PR, Student Visa holder or Employment pass holder?
M: Local.
H: Employment Pass.
S: Are you married? As in.. are you both married?
H: Yes.
M: *stunned*
S: Uhh, oh-kaaaay. Now moving on... How old are you?
H: There, between 24 - 40.
M: Uh, yeah.
S: So how much do you earn per month toward your er.. joint account?
M: Joint account?
H: Gee, I don't know. *puts arm around me* We're newlywed you see.
M: *stunned*
S: So can you give me a rough sum?
M: *to him and with sudden realisation* Talk so much for what, you're the one working, not me!
H: Oh yah hor. Then around $2k.
S: Okay thank you. So what credit card do you use?
H: Visa.
M: I don't have one.
S: Personal, Debit or Supplementary then?
H: Personal.
M: Personal.
S: Okay thank you!

About 10 metres away, we started bursting into peals of laughter. Hehehehe. And we laughed all the way to the next junction.

What happened after that, I want to keep secret...

All you have to know is that I'm... ecstatic.

*smiles and blushes*

. // prawninator | 00:07 + ~

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Went to the school's 115th year anniversary carnival. Great fun. Hahaha. But I didn't manage to spend much of my coupons and ended up giving the rest to a friend of mine. Bought a tumbler similar to my brother's (his is green and mine is red) and then went home.

Then it was X's birthday dinner at Seoul Garden Takashimaya... It was a fun experience with lots and lots and lots of laughter and many many new sexual connotations. Yes, all during dinner. How nice. *laughs*

Ewen later came by and so did Shannen and Senior... then walked to Starbucks California Fitness and grabbed a drink before I led us all to Lanson Court, where we sat and talked for a while. But time soon ran out on us and I had to leave, so I left with Ewen.

Hailed a cab, and ended up watching movie trailers in this new passenger-entertainment system thing... then he leaned over and rest his head on my shoulder... and I... did the most obvious thing, which was to lean my head on his... So we sat there watching the trailers and talking about the movies... and then I did the funniest thing. I kissed him on his forehead. Argh. I don't know if he knows... Oh well.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired out.
I need rest.

Lots of it.

*smiles and thinks of the kiss*

. // prawninator | 01:34 + ~

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Recalling Thursday, July 31st
I was in a depressed state. I had wandered off from home and just sat at a small corner in the void deck of my flat... but even though I was sitting there, I had no idea where I was. Okay, so I was pissed drunk. No, make that drunk. I didn't piss. Aaaaaanyway.

I had been on the phone with him from 8pm all the way until midnight... I was thoroughly depressed when he called... He kinda... sensed my suicidal tone in the SMSes I sent to him. My away message in irc was "My tears are colder than the blade I hold in my hand" and it was true... I did have a blade in my hand. I never used it though, so that's a good thing. But I felt that I needed to know what he felt about me. So I asked him what I meant to him... and he replied with one word, "Everything." I was shocked, and also sobering up, so I told him not to lie if his sole purpose was to keep me alive. I realised slowly where I was and crawled back upstairs when my parents were watching TV in their room... and it was then he called...

We talked about almost everything. He kept telling me not to cry... But I couldn't help it. The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Talking to him makes me incredibly happy, yet horribly depressed at the same time. Swinging from extreme to extreme... it's painful. He talked to me about his philosophies, his emotional detachment, about.. Sadie. *shrugs* It don't matter.

He described himself as a tree, standing there just for survival, and just growing for the sake of growing. But I stopped him there and described him as a redwood tree, which as you know is the largest species of tree in the world. They have to fight. Fight for space, fight for sunlight, fight for water, food and everything. Yes, fight. Of course they don't fight outright but they have these silent battles. But a child comes... and looks up at the tree which is him... and most probably the child would go "Whoa!" and I told him... that no matter how much he keeps his feelings inside him... that no matter how much he fights and loses, there will be at least one person whose life he would have impacted.

We ended up talking happy... and my mood swung from depressed to euphoric... and then back to depressed again, and then we decided to hang up, since he had a lot to do the next day, and I had school... *sighs* I still remember that on Wednesday we were still very happy... him playing the guitar and me playing the piano over the phone... Hahahaha...


Recalling Friday, August 1st
I kinda thought it through the night before.. and if nothing happens between us, I'll just be like the sister he never had. But then, there might be a chance... I was talking a little bit about Remy (who has now become an insensitive asshole, by the way) and his voice went noticeable softer. Maybe I'm oversensitive and when I teased him...

"Wey, jealous ah?"

"N-no lah. I got no girlfriend before mah. Jealous for what?"

(in a teasing voice)"Choose me lah choose me lah"

"Can lah..."


"Not yet lah..."

"Orh." (immense giggling)

Not yet... those words shot me in the head... So I do have a chance! But I've been telling myself not to get my hopes up too high... Or I'll just tumble down hurt again. So I tried to keep an evenly happy voice and talked. But I soon found myself rolling in laughter. That's the kind of effect he has on me. I don't know why, he just makes me smile. We started talking about our favourite bands and cartoons and movies. Hehehe. If (or when) he takes leave, I'll be bringing some of my DVDs over. Yay, movie marathon. Mwahahaha.

But that's only if it ever happens, of course. Oh well... I'll just be content with having him as a close friend... someone I can talk to, someone I can turn to... someone I can love... *sighs*

Oh well.

. // prawninator | 09:48 + ~

Friday, August 01, 2003

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before...


. // prawninator | 08:34 + ~

Everyone's best friend
Everyone's sister
Everyone's buddy

I am the kind of person everyone likes

But nobody loves...

But that's all I want...

To be loved...

. // prawninator | 00:50 + ~

To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.

You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.

Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.

It's just a matter of time.

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