And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
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nat yong pamela
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Well.. I think he already IS married, but he's holding the wedding dinner tonight, something I cannot attend because I'm more than 6000 miles away from home. I would have loved to, but I informed him early beforehand that I couldn't.
So what I'm going to do is grab him a huge bottle of Absolut Vodka Vanilla as a wedding present, in my absence (and when I get out of DFS, of course, tee hee.)
I got my baggage back.
But my emotional baggage is still here. It's a long story, something I really don't want to talk about right now. I just argued with my mother over the phone, and I really, honestly feel like crying right now, while sitting in Ryan's chair and typing this fucking entry out.
I'm just tired right now.
. // prawninator | 19:28 + ~
Fourteen hour flight from Hong Kong to Chicago.
Not so bad, O'Hare Int'l airport wasn't as bad or scary as I thought it would be. But well, to a certain extent it was. My baggage got lost over in Chicago. It never got on the flight to Virginia. I'd have to call again later to check.
Maybe it's because I checked my bags in at terminal 5 instead of 2... GAH.
If THAT'S the case then I'm fucked.
. // prawninator | 01:35 + ~
Ryan, if you can, SMS me when you get home.
. // prawninator | 22:44 + ~
...I'm not Pocky...
. // prawninator | 15:14 + ~ First time...
. // prawninator | 18:38 + ~
Attended a gig over at The Third Place this evening.
So many familiar faces, so many people I've known then, and gotten to know after my life in school. It's funny, really, as they started to mingle around, my old friends shaking hands with my relatively new friends, and talking like they've known each other forever.
It's 4am and I've just finished packing. I just realised how HEAVY all my stuff is. I think I need to lighten my load. It's impossible for my carry-on, as my laptop (or rather, my dad's, as it can support WoW and NwN) has to be in it, along with a book and my DS, amongst other things.
Spent three hours discussing with Chris over the phone on what to bring. You know what, speaking of packing, I just remembered what I forgot to pack. A TOWEL. No worries, that can be added in later.
I'm just so nervous.
So help me God, I will cry on the plane and kick a fuss as to why my ears are popping for no apparent reason, and then complain when my DS hangs (which it did, this evening). So much so that the person occupying the seat next to mine will have no choice but to shift him or herself to another seat. In which case I'll just yell.
No, I'm kidding.
Speaking with Vayne earlier, I said I was nervous, because I don't know if Ryan would return the feelings I have for him. Vayne just asked if he likes me at all. Of course, I replied yes, but his response was just pretty simple. "He would have no reason not to like you if you were truthful to him about yourself." I thought to myself for a second, and nodded, knowing that I wouldn't have lied to Ryan. And if I had, it'd be forcefully pried from me anyhow, so either way, I can't lie to him.
Recalling a conversation I had with Ryan about two weeks ago, he asked if I was afraid of him. I replied with both a yes, and a no.
Yes = I'm afraid to be hurt (by him)
No = I just want to be loved (by him)
I know, I know. Corny. But seriously, this trip to the USA is taking all my guts and willpower to pull off, and where is he now? In Texas. Not that I can blame him; he's planned that trip for ages, too, so much so I had to fit my schedule around his.
I can't help but feel anger and resentment, though.
Ah well... I'm done packing.
All I need now is my camera, and my laptop battery.
. // prawninator | 04:04 + ~ Well if you were thinking about climbing climbing the highest mountain in the world, you'd take your DS with you too, right?
Neal Mueller and Chris Grubb are two hardcore gamers. So when the pair decided to climb Mt. Everest, they decided to bring their DS?s along.
Neal made it to the top on June 2, describing the experience as "beautiful? I was up at 29,000 feet and so the clouds were below me? and with it being such a perfectly sunny day, you really could almost see forever?"
When asked how the Nintendo DS withstood the high altitudes, he replied that although he had loads of electronic equipment, "the Nintendo DS held up the best of any of it", surviving a Dell computer, a polytechnic screen and three or four MP3 players which couldn't cope with the conditions.
Plus, he explained, it was the DS units that suffered the worst of it as well, constantly with the pair of climbers in their tents which were moist and cold. "They were right there in our packs so they suffered a lot of wind blasts, they were dropped, and the Sherpas would beat the heck out of them - they?d play with them in the kitchen where curry would get split on them, all these incredibly hot spices? and they kept on performing?"
It'd be an interesting test to see the PSP battery lasted even half way to the top!
. // prawninator | 20:04 + ~
The Carrot, The Egg, and Coffee
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked,
"Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water.
Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
. // prawninator | 14:45 + ~
KIRBY IS HERE!
Dun dun DUNNN.
. // prawninator | 12:44 + ~
Fear the PINK.
If you don't like it, say something, so it wouldn't be too late to reverse the changes... Until then, pray hard I didn't forget the hexadecimal color code for the Apple design.
. // prawninator | 02:20 + ~
I have the common flu.
Phonecall came in earlier this afternoon after my visit to Dad, saying that Dad has water in his lungs, and requires surgery. If this carries on, I'm not going to be able to visit either Ryan, Jason nor Chris at all, even though everything has been nearly settled.
That should be the last thing on my mind, shouldn't it?
I'm worried about Dad, that's for sure, but I'm also really looking forward to this trip, the first official holiday that I'd be having in seven years. I have conflicted interests.
. // prawninator | 03:18 + ~
. // prawninator | 20:50 + ~
This is getting ridiculously weird.
I dreamt about Kevin last night again. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately, and I don't know why. After all, he refuses to return my messages, and refuses to even acknowledge me anymore. We've lost contact for over four years now, and only recently did I start dreaming about him.
It wasn't any weird or fucked up dream, more like an every-day one where you go out, talk and then wake up kinda thing. That's what we did; went out, and talked. I remember asking why we lost contact, and all he said was "personal problems". I remember just letting it go then.
I miss my cousin.
No doubt he wasn't always there, but I grew up with him. He was five when I was one, and I remember a picture of him and I at the zoo then, with my parents and my grandmother. We were so happy and innocent then. Then we went to school, got into the prestigious Victoria School while I was stuck in Fairfield. He went on to Junior College while I just started secondary school, and it pretty much broke down there.
I guess age difference made him realise that we were different in maturity. But that's been around 10 years now, we're both adults already. He's 25, and I'm 21. I just want to see him again, know what I mean? To just talk about how much we've changed, what we've been doing. We are, after all, family.
I really miss my cousin.
. // prawninator | 12:20 + ~
It was a mutual, peaceful discussion, as he knows far too well where my heart lies. He was snappy and angry at first... but it all melted away into a resolution that we both know would happen sooner or later.
Throughout the conversation, I admit I was annoyed. He kept on asking questions I'm very, VERY sure he knew the answers to, and he kept on asking me to do things I really didn't want, like pull out the picture of him and I... and look at it... and then think back about how we were and stuff like that. He was fucking me psychologically.
When he asked me if I still loved Ryan.. I knew he had nipped the problem in the bud. Back in March, I remember telling Chris that I loved Ryan more than I loved him. He asked me if this was the case now. All I could say is yes. Because it's true.
He only made me promise him two things:
To open up my heart againNot easy.. at all. I don't dare to open up my heart to love or be loved again, with the exception of Ryan. I just... don't dare. I don't see how I'd be able to love someone else again so strongly.
The date for my trip draws nearer.
I'm getting very, VERY nervous.
. // prawninator | 23:30 + ~
But I'm still nervous.
All this while I've wanted to be with Ryan so much, and now I finally get the chance. What if I blow it? What if he doesn't love me after all? My mind is so full of "what ifs" that it's making me all jittery. I've loved him for so long, but now, I'm going to be meeting him face-to-face.
... I don't know what to say.
A dream come true? Possibly. If I hadn't screwed up earlier this year, I would've already met him months ago. I know it's my fault then.. I wish I hadn't screwed up. But my heart is so.. weak. How much more trauma and drama can it really handle?
I got together with Chris because at that time, he made me happy. I felt needed, and my needs were fulfilled. But running back to Ryan after it has died down, after I'm losing interest in him?
It's not because I find a safe haven in Ryan, believe me. That's one of the most dangerous places to be, especially for an emtional girl like me. But I love him. I never stopped loving him. I left the men I was with only because I just couldn't let Ryan go, no matter how much I tried, no matter how much pain it took.
And after two years, we're back to square one.
He had always been the one to take us in one direction or the next, we'd split up to go in different directions from each other. He was the decisive one, the decision-maker out of the two of us. No doubt pretty demanding, but I'm never one to be a leader anyway.
This time however, I'm gonna take the reins and hopefully pull us out of this mess that I've created. I just hope he'd let me. Or cooperate for that matter.
watching you sleep makes me want to wake up next to you every morning..
. // prawninator | 15:18 + ~ PSP procures porn in Japan
Japanese PSP owners will soon be able to purchase eight adult films in UMD format this summer.
Adult movies in the PSP-friendly Universal Media Disc format will be released in Japan this summer. Two publishers will offer a total of eight movies specifically for the PSP. Adult-content publisher Glay'z will release five titles starting on July 8, while fellow publisher H.M.P. will release three additional titles on July 16. The movies will be priced between 1,995 yen ($18) and 3,990 yen ($37).
While software releases for the PSP are subject to approval from Sony Computer Entertainment, the Sony gaming division does not hold sway over movies released for the device.
"Unlike games, we believe that UMD movies are an all-purpose media, like DVD movies. We do not control their content in the way that we do with games," commented an SCE representative in a previous interview with Impress PC Watch. "We are not in a position to know what kinds of UMD videos get released."
Some consumers are questioning Sony's decision to accept material from adult-content publishers, while others surmise that the company has learned from the war between Betamax and VHS that adult-oriented movies can significantly affect the expansion of a new media format. One of the reasons for the failure of the Betamax format was the explosion of VHS adult movies, since this genre was not given production clearance in Sony's Betamax format.
A list of adult-oriented UMD movies slated for release is below:
7/08 Goku Honban Tachibana Riko GLAY'z 3800 yen
7/08 Kyonyuu Nurse Amai Mitsu GLAY'z 3800 yen
7/08 Kaneshiro Anna: Koukyuu Soap Jou GLAY'z 2800 yen
7/16 H.M.P. Countdown 2005 H.M.P. 1995 yen
7/16 Syojokyu Miyako hikaru H.M.P. 1995 yen
7/16 Hoshino Hikaru BEST H.M.P. 1995 yen
7/22 BiBody Ero-Terrorist Noa GLAY'z 2800 yen
7/22 Loli-Nanpa Special 5 GLAY'z 3800 yen
Well... dang. If only the Cool Devices series of hentai gets released.
. // prawninator | 21:05 + ~
Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so...
Cold to you, and I'm sorry for all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You can see me stand on my own again
Cause now I can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
. // prawninator | 10:40 + ~
And it's not just with anyone, though. I feel restless if I watch others sleep. Only he gives me this kinda feeling, and I don't understand why. It's been so long since I've seen his smile, his little headbobs whenever he listens to music.
I didn't realise how much I missed him.
I mean, I did.. But looking at him again makes me just want to wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly, and then I'd die happy. Know what I mean? I guess I don't even know what I mean.
I still love him so much...
. // prawninator | 17:04 + ~
. // prawninator | 23:11 + ~
To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.|
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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