And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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Was out with Ed, Cin, YF, Shan, Sam, Fei, Bruce (new fella), Euro and Ewen today. Felt quite weird... Very weird in fact. I don't know why but I felt kinda drawn to Ewen, much like I was drawn to Remy years ago. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure how. But I don't think I should bother.
So anyway, we were at C.A.N. in the afternoon - evening... Then we decided to leave, toward Pasir Ris. Four of us, YF, Ewen, Bruce and I had to squeeze in the back seat. Fei told us to keep our heads down (traffic police and because Ewen and Bruce were obstructing the rearview mirror).
Then Fei sent us (being me, Shannen and Ewen) to Bobo's chalet. Shannen felt out of place for a while... so she left with Fei while Ewen and I collected our stuff and stayed behind at Pasir Ris. Met quite a few people there... I didn't know half of the people there, but since I told Bobo I'd be going, I stayed... talked to Dhalif and some others for a while.
Then the time for me to go home soon came... and I left along with Ewen. Took a cab back, and went to Ewen's place first. I don't know what came over me, but I sorta like leaned towards him. Basically sitting straight too long hurt my back... then he just went "Aiyah, lean lah lean lah." and so I did... then he leant his head on mine... I didn't say anything... but I felt funny. Then the weirdest thing happened. I looked up at him and I asked him "ä˝ ć沥ćçľčżĺĽłĺŠĺçćďź" (did you ever hold a girl's hand?) and when he said no... I just... took his hand in mine. ARGH. Why was I doing that, I don't know. He held on though, he didn't object... Heh. WHY?! I don't know either! The funny part wasn't that... at the moment we held hands and became suddenly more conscious about everything about me, the radio played a song, "ćçľć" (Holding Hands).. the both of us laughed nervously...
So he got off the cab... and I went home... First thing I did was to call Shannen and tell her about what happened. So she suggested I ask Ewen about how he felt about me... and he was like... if you had watched Finding Nemo there was one part where Marlin said to Dory, "No no no, I like you. It's because I like you that's why I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion". I felt that he was actually saying that to me. But if he felt that way, why didn't he want me? And if he didn't like me, why didn't he object when I held his hand?
I feel used, and cheated. I feel like he misled me, just like so many other guys before him. Why do guys always do this? Can't they... just... be straightforward? They say they don't want to hurt the girl's feelings... but by doing so... it hurts more. ARGH I really don't know what else to do.
I don't know if I can face rejection again.
I'm sorry, Ewen.
. // prawninator | 03:47 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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