And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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I was in a depressed state. I had wandered off from home and just sat at a small corner in the void deck of my flat... but even though I was sitting there, I had no idea where I was. Okay, so I was pissed drunk. No, make that drunk. I didn't piss. Aaaaaanyway.
I had been on the phone with him from 8pm all the way until midnight... I was thoroughly depressed when he called... He kinda... sensed my suicidal tone in the SMSes I sent to him. My away message in irc was "My tears are colder than the blade I hold in my hand" and it was true... I did have a blade in my hand. I never used it though, so that's a good thing. But I felt that I needed to know what he felt about me. So I asked him what I meant to him... and he replied with one word, "Everything." I was shocked, and also sobering up, so I told him not to lie if his sole purpose was to keep me alive. I realised slowly where I was and crawled back upstairs when my parents were watching TV in their room... and it was then he called...
We talked about almost everything. He kept telling me not to cry... But I couldn't help it. The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Talking to him makes me incredibly happy, yet horribly depressed at the same time. Swinging from extreme to extreme... it's painful. He talked to me about his philosophies, his emotional detachment, about.. Sadie. *shrugs* It don't matter.
He described himself as a tree, standing there just for survival, and just growing for the sake of growing. But I stopped him there and described him as a redwood tree, which as you know is the largest species of tree in the world. They have to fight. Fight for space, fight for sunlight, fight for water, food and everything. Yes, fight. Of course they don't fight outright but they have these silent battles. But a child comes... and looks up at the tree which is him... and most probably the child would go "Whoa!" and I told him... that no matter how much he keeps his feelings inside him... that no matter how much he fights and loses, there will be at least one person whose life he would have impacted.
We ended up talking happy... and my mood swung from depressed to euphoric... and then back to depressed again, and then we decided to hang up, since he had a lot to do the next day, and I had school... *sighs* I still remember that on Wednesday we were still very happy... him playing the guitar and me playing the piano over the phone... Hahahaha...
*sighs*
Recalling Friday, August 1st
I kinda thought it through the night before.. and if nothing happens between us, I'll just be like the sister he never had. But then, there might be a chance... I was talking a little bit about Remy (who has now become an insensitive asshole, by the way) and his voice went noticeable softer. Maybe I'm oversensitive and when I teased him...
"Wey, jealous ah?"
"N-no lah. I got no girlfriend before mah. Jealous for what?"
(in a teasing voice)"Choose me lah choose me lah"
"Can lah..."
"Huh?"
"Not yet lah..."
"Orh." (immense giggling)
Not yet... those words shot me in the head... So I do have a chance! But I've been telling myself not to get my hopes up too high... Or I'll just tumble down hurt again. So I tried to keep an evenly happy voice and talked. But I soon found myself rolling in laughter. That's the kind of effect he has on me. I don't know why, he just makes me smile. We started talking about our favourite bands and cartoons and movies. Hehehe. If (or when) he takes leave, I'll be bringing some of my DVDs over. Yay, movie marathon. Mwahahaha.
But that's only if it ever happens, of course. Oh well... I'll just be content with having him as a close friend... someone I can talk to, someone I can turn to... someone I can love... *sighs*
Oh well.
. // prawninator | 09:48 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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