And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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Okay, nevermind. Bad analogy.
My thoughts have drifted to him all day. ALL DAY. I couldn't kick him out of my mind if I tried. Twice I looked down from the store to see how far I'd have to go, and if I'd survive the fall. Naturally I didn't jump or this wouldn't get online.
Every little thing around me reminded me of him. From Battlefield, to people asking about Dungeons and Dragons Online, to Pachelbel's Canon in D playing at Sembawang Music. Every little thing. And it stung. It stung so hard that I couldn't hold my tears back at all. I had to take a long break and sat at Rocky Master's with Guohan until the pain subsided a little.
My regular customers were more than a little concerned, seeing how red my eyes were, and how often I was dabbing my eyes and outright sobbing. I guess the usual cheerful Perlin wasn't around today, eh? Replaced by someone who was easily annoyed and very upset. I guess they could tell the difference.
My eyes are almost swollen shut and puffy from all the crying. It wasn't this bad when I had to leave Virginia. In fact, I still want to go back there. And I SWEAR I'll work on staying there permanently. If not because of him, because I want to.
I'm actually a little disappointed in him, to tell you the truth. I've been trying to find out information on how I can get a permanent residency in the USA, but all he did was to agree or disagree with me, and say he'll help.
But he didn't.
Quite the opposite, it seems. I mean, I was just about to tell him that I've found out how to go about obtaining a Visa and where to find more information on it, when he broke the news to me. I was also about to tell him that I just received my CPF money, and was thinking of opening a joint account with him, so we could both contribute to this cause, so we could both work on being together.
But I never told him.
I couldn't.
I guess, like Fei said, if you love someone, you gotta let him do what he wants. Trust me to be the gullible, vulnerable, submissive person I've always been. Maybe it's time for a change. My heart CANNOT take any more of this. This whole fiasco over the two years with him and myself volleying our feelings back and forth like a tennis ball has hardened me.
But I don't want to be selfish.
I don't want to be like him.
Yet, I feel like I have to be. I can't possibly be allowing all these men to climb over my head and take advantage of how I feel about them, like Howard and now, Ryan.
You say you love me.
So why can't we be together? Why can't we just work things out? You're unhappy with this relationship because I'm so far away. I bust my ass so we CAN be. I'm not going to put in any effort for you to shoot me down. It's not fair to me either. Why do you think that in the beginning of our relationship I asked if you were actually going to remain celibate?
YOU made that decision to, I didn't force you.
And I'm not forcing you to stay with me either. I just want you to know how upset I am, how disappointed I am. I hate being disappointed with people, and you know I don't hate easily. You were up on my pedestal. I treated you like a King. And I feel like I'm kicked away like a mere pawn.
Yeah, yeah. Perlin "Melodrama" Chow.
One more hour of work to go.
. // prawninator | 22:56 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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