Zhou Pei Lin

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

Yin Yang

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

I know how it feels to be ostracized and shunned by the people around me, because of the circumference of my waist and my thighs. Living in a generally slim and petite environment, it's not easy for a girl like me. Everyone, be they local or foreign, think that Asian people are naturally small in stature and size. But is it really all there is? Are many people actually naturally adverse to large people like me?

I've been thinking about this for a while. It might be a case of sour grapes for the fat people, because that's how I used to feel. Envy turns people into their ugly selves. I didn't look good, I didn't feel good. I started to think that being thin was the way to go. Other people made me feel like that. Other people still make me feel that way.

"C'mon Perlin, we know you can't run. You can roll pretty well though."
"No, no. I know you're not fat. I'm just anorexic."
"You live up to your name; you're like a pearl. Big and round."

This is what I have to endure all the time, sometimes on a daily basis. I know they say it in jest, but sometimes it hurts extremely badly, and I just want it to end. And people wonder why my self-confidence is so low, almost non-existant. But I can't blame them. I don't have an excuse.

I am fat.

But I would appreciate it if people were a little more sensitive and tactful sometimes. I sometimes feel that the only person who really understands how I feel is my doctor. He never judges me but instead encourages me. I lost just under 10lbs over the course of one month between August and September and went back for my monthly checkup. I self-consciously got onto the scale, and when he noted the weight improvement, he congratulated me, and told me that it was a good start, encouraging me to keep up the good work, and never losing his genuine smile.

Can other people really do that? Comment on a person's weight and be supportive instead of belittling? As far as I've experienced, it is extremely rare. I have 'friends' who are just slightly smaller than I am poking fun at my size as though I'm twice their girth. Is this what I really need? Harsh, sarcastic, snide remarks?

Then I started to think about the skinny people. Do they go through the same things as well? Socially, I highly doubt it. You never see a Torrid? model gracing the covers of Vogue or FHM. Never. It's always the long, slim necks, the smooth, slim legs, the sharp faces and chiselled features, petite waist and hips. The skinny figure is more widely accepted by society. You see size 0's in stores, but sizes 14 and above almost do not exist. But sometimes I feel for them too.

In order to keep their stick figure, they'd have to sacrifice foods they love or forced themselves not to love anymore. They'd have to do every little thing to keep their weight below normal, like exercising excessively, dieting, pills, everything to get rid of five imaginary pounds. They probably look at the big girls and go, "I don't want to be like them." and continue their strenous activities, and in extreme cases, even leading to death.

I enjoy my food. And it shows. I cannot imagine how a person, in order to make themselves acceptable in society, can force themselves to deny themselves the simple pleasures of sustenance.

To tell you the truth, I don't like the way I am, as much as I seem to feel comfortable being myself. I let my bubbly personality overpower my self-consciousness, and it works. Sometimes. But at times like these, especially now that I'm writing this, I can't help but cry. Nobody ever sees that side of me and I hope they never will.

Believe me, my problem with my weight is NOT due to the lack of trying. People, friends and family who have kept in touch with me in recent months know what I'm going through. And it's not because I think I look fat. It's a health problem I'm facing, and going through this, I don't need scorn coming at me left, right and center.

So please, stop being discriminating.

There's only so much some of us can take.

. // prawninator | 00:03 + ~

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I just realized how ugly Singaporeans can be.

Only a couple of days ago I was walking from the bus stop to the office because I had absent-mindedly left my wallet behind, when I noticed this rather large family walking towards the overhead bridge, seemingly towards Queensway Shopping Centre. They were all females, not that it really matters in this instance.

The elderly matriach looked about 50, several younger children ranging from say... 8-14, and an older one, about 24. Trailing behind them was this tiny 3 year old, holding a small packet of chocolate milk. I was walking behind them, thinking about how cute the little girl was, as she took little steps, with that packet of milk, saying something really fast in Malay I didn't understand.

Then the 24 year old, possibly her mother, turned to her and yelled, "Just drink your milk and keep your mouth shut!" I stood there stunned for a second. It sounded like they didn't want the child. Now, it's not in my place to judge on how well a mother, or even a sister parents a child, but this was bordering on ridiculous. Why? The 24 year old turned back to walk with the rest of the family, in quick paces, with the tiny little girl lagging behind, not being able to multitask, like walk and drink her milk at the same time like most adults could. I mean, please. They probably just learned how to pee on their own, and in a proper place.

So the little girl was a good four or five metres away from the rest of the family, trying to hurry her little legs towards them. I just stood there and watched for a while, thinking to myself, what happened if someone had just stopped and grabbed her and ran off? Half the family was already walking up the steps to the overhead bridge, and none of them ever turned around to see how she was doing.

Instead, the 24 year old turned again to face the child to say, in a loud, annoyed tone, "Cepat, lah!" (Faster, lah!) This time, I was extremely angry with the woman for some reason. I stared hard at her, and when she noticed me, I merely shook my head and continued to walk towards the office.

If someone had indeed kidnapped the child, I would probably be the first witness. I'd probably give my statement to the police, in front of the possibly teary family, and say that it was not the kidnappers' fault, but their own, highlighting their own negligence.

But it didn't happen, so I let it go as that.

Then I happened to be in the living room with my dad watching one of those most amazing videos caught on tape or something like that, one with the animal theme. One man actually died trying to defend his co-worker from a circus elephant on a rampage. My dad actually said this. "Why are these people so stupid? Everyone knows that a human life is more important than an animal's life."

I'm no vegetarian, but the way he said it made my blood boil. Who is he to decide whose life is more important than another's? To hell with that, who is ANYONE to decide something like that?

Nevermind. I'm going to bed.

. // prawninator | 23:55 + ~

To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.

You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.

Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.

It's just a matter of time.

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