And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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I've been thinking about this for a while. It might be a case of sour grapes for the fat people, because that's how I used to feel. Envy turns people into their ugly selves. I didn't look good, I didn't feel good. I started to think that being thin was the way to go. Other people made me feel like that. Other people still make me feel that way.
"C'mon Perlin, we know you can't run. You can roll pretty well though."
"No, no. I know you're not fat. I'm just anorexic."
"You live up to your name; you're like a pearl. Big and round."
This is what I have to endure all the time, sometimes on a daily basis. I know they say it in jest, but sometimes it hurts extremely badly, and I just want it to end. And people wonder why my self-confidence is so low, almost non-existant. But I can't blame them. I don't have an excuse.
I am fat.
But I would appreciate it if people were a little more sensitive and tactful sometimes. I sometimes feel that the only person who really understands how I feel is my doctor. He never judges me but instead encourages me. I lost just under 10lbs over the course of one month between August and September and went back for my monthly checkup. I self-consciously got onto the scale, and when he noted the weight improvement, he congratulated me, and told me that it was a good start, encouraging me to keep up the good work, and never losing his genuine smile.
Can other people really do that? Comment on a person's weight and be supportive instead of belittling? As far as I've experienced, it is extremely rare. I have 'friends' who are just slightly smaller than I am poking fun at my size as though I'm twice their girth. Is this what I really need? Harsh, sarcastic, snide remarks?
Then I started to think about the skinny people. Do they go through the same things as well? Socially, I highly doubt it. You never see a Torrid? model gracing the covers of Vogue or FHM. Never. It's always the long, slim necks, the smooth, slim legs, the sharp faces and chiselled features, petite waist and hips. The skinny figure is more widely accepted by society. You see size 0's in stores, but sizes 14 and above almost do not exist. But sometimes I feel for them too.
In order to keep their stick figure, they'd have to sacrifice foods they love or forced themselves not to love anymore. They'd have to do every little thing to keep their weight below normal, like exercising excessively, dieting, pills, everything to get rid of five imaginary pounds. They probably look at the big girls and go, "I don't want to be like them." and continue their strenous activities, and in extreme cases, even leading to death.
I enjoy my food. And it shows. I cannot imagine how a person, in order to make themselves acceptable in society, can force themselves to deny themselves the simple pleasures of sustenance.
To tell you the truth, I don't like the way I am, as much as I seem to feel comfortable being myself. I let my bubbly personality overpower my self-consciousness, and it works. Sometimes. But at times like these, especially now that I'm writing this, I can't help but cry. Nobody ever sees that side of me and I hope they never will.
Believe me, my problem with my weight is NOT due to the lack of trying. People, friends and family who have kept in touch with me in recent months know what I'm going through. And it's not because I think I look fat. It's a health problem I'm facing, and going through this, I don't need scorn coming at me left, right and center.
So please, stop being discriminating.
There's only so much some of us can take.
. // prawninator | 00:03 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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