And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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I checked my savings, and found that I am $200 in the negative in savings this month. Which means that I've overstepped my supposed limit by $400. Transport fare hikes. Food price hikes. Hike this, hike that. But my salary remains the same.
The reason why my phone bills are so high is because Karl and I have no other direct means to establish communication. I cannot use MSN at work, and that's when he's usually online. Instead, we try to call each other, even if for a little while. For a few minutes before he goes to bed, he calls and we chat a little. For a few minutes before I go to bed, I call and we chat a little. But it's getting to a point when I can't even afford to communicate with him. It's getting extremely difficult for my family and I, for Karl and myself, and the both of us are feeling the strain, but I want to be strong.
My mother again nagged at me to go do my degree. I can't even afford my next meal let alone pay tens of thousands of dollars for four years of my life a piece of paper with a fancy seal and signature on it. But if I don't continue studying, I'll continue earning nothing. And if I continue earning nothing, I'll never be able to afford going to school. It's a vicious poverty cycle that I've found myself to be stuck in.
I earn USD$6,000 a year.
That's USD$500 a month.
That's USD$250 a fortnight.
That's USD$125 a week.
I know of people who earn $6k a MONTH. Seriously though. How many people honestly, can live on such earnings nowadays in society like this? You might tell me, "You can, because you don't own a car and you don't pay rent."
For the record, I don't own a car because:
#1. I do not have a license.
#2. I cannot afford to get a license.
#3. I do not have a car.
#4. I cannot afford to get a car.
And I do pay rent. Once in a while, when I'm not too strapped. Luckily my mother doesn't push me for it. I earn less than she does and am already more self-sufficient than I was before. She understands that I too experience woes when it comes to money. And she doesn't press me for much anymore now that I've taken to sleeping on the couch to save electricity from air-conditioning.
I don't love money.
But I cannot deny I need it.
When I mentioned earlier that I can't even afford my next meal, I'm serious. At this rate, I might never be with Karl. But there's more to this than just being able to afford things you need or want. I'm trying my best to be strong and to pull through this.
Charles asked me tonight, why I'm in such a good mood. Truth is, I'm hiding it all. I feel embarrassed to be classified as a borderline needy person, and I hate feeling helpless. I look at myself and feel fortunate compared to some others in the sense that I still have a job, but yet I look at things on the flip side of the coin, and I feel extremely... helpless.
Some of my bosses' clients are already established in their chosen industry. Many of them are just a year or two older than me. In fact, one of them is 25 and he's already a certified doctor with a certain hospital. Compared to them, I feel like such a loser sometimes.
So far though, I've been blessed by having Karl by my (proverbial) side, some of my more understanding friends and co-workers around me. I feel fortunate enough that I'm not entirely abandoned and left to fend for myself in my poverty cycle.
I guess in a way, I am lucky.
. // prawninator | 01:58 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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