And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
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nat yong pamela
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It's an inexplicable, excruciating pain to be rejected, especially the number of times I had from childhood until adulthood. From being rejected to being a friend, to being rejected to being more than a friend, rejected by boys, by schoolmates, and then later in life, rejected by companies when applying for jobs.
I tried very hard to keep my emotions in check. I would be on the verge of tears, but they would never flow, not at the beginning. Instead, I let my anger and disappointment bubble up and it would usually appear that I cope with my rejection through a more hard-headed means. Little does anyone know that when I'm alone, be it in a bathroom cubicle or my own room, I start crying. I feel awful to know that I tried so hard to be accepted, but wasn't.
Acceptance has been a problem for me. I remember vividly that when I was in school, I was ostracized. I realize now that it's also possibly because I ostracized myself. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. I didn't want to feel the rejection that I had expected if I tried. And therein lies the problem. I just didn't try. Being a chubby kid, I was always left out. Being a chubby, eccentric kid, I was always shunned. But instead of trying to come to terms with myself and trying to befriend people, I didn't. I couldn't cope with the would-be rejection. As a disclaimer, I finally did make some friends in school, and for that I am grateful.
Earlier this week, I suffered another rejection. This time, it was a little worse; my brother was accepted, but not me. That made me feel hurt, to be honest. My brother and I had NEVER had any problems with sibling rivalry at all, so I decided to push it aside and go elsewhere instead. I was all right until today, however. I found myself alone in my room, and I started crying. I just cried and cried and cried. I wanted the pain to go away. I didn't like this feeling at all, as though nobody would ever want someone like me. I thought about Karl, who stuck with me even though I know I can be quite difficult at times, but someone else stood out as well.
As I was searching online for ways to cope with rejection, a site just popped out at me for some reason, and I decided to click on the link. It directed me to 1 Peter 2:4-5, where it said, "As you come to him, the living Stone — rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him — you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."
I felt comforted, and was compelled to read on.
The site offered more bible references, such as John 12:37. "Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him." Even Jesus suffered from rejection during His time! I wasn't as alone as I thought I was!
I read on, and John 1:11-13 spoke clearly, "He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." I was accepted, just for accepting Him. I was accepted just because I believe.
The site offered one more link to a bible reference, and this one just jumped out and started screaming at me. John 15:18 said, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." I started crying again. Not because I was still having a hard time with my rejection, but because I felt comforted in His presence, to know that HE had gone through what I'm going through.
Then I remembered one verse. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Only now do I know what it means. It doesn't mean physical strength, it means spiritual and mental strength. Knowing that I'm not alone... gives me the motivation to carry on.
. // prawninator | 20:40 + ~
The day before, Roy gave me a day off because he claimed I needed a rest. "I DECLARE... you take a break on Tuesday." It was good timing too, because I think I had caught the flu and was sniffling like nobody's business. However, yesterday morning, I found I had developed a fever. Strange huh?
I popped some paracetamol tabs and Roy said he was gonna pick me up and take me to lunch and then bring me around the properties he had been or is managing, taking pictures and videos. I thought I'd be taking those pictures and videos to be edited later, but no, apparently not.
We met up with another church friend, and another friend of his for a little bit of fishing at a canal somewhere near the Ang Mo Kio area (Lentor?). Didn't manage to catch anything, but they did get to try out different lures and I got to see how differently they behave in the water. I saw the lures that James made himself... they were all pretty cool, with googly eyes... he even made some to resemble prawns. Cute.
After that, we went for dinner. Really good beef hor fun.. I wish I could remember where we were. Collected some of those free SingPost postcards, the ones you can send overseas to your friends and hopefully win a pair of tickets from their location here. I'm sending a whole bunch to Katie and John, Karl and Matthew, Aaron, Jherod and a few others.
Hopefully one of them makes it. :)
. // prawninator | 11:46 + ~
1. I've come to realize that, my ex was:
a great guy, but we were not entirely compatible.
2. I've come to realize that, I talk:
loudly. Like I can't hear myself.
3. I've come to realize that, I love:
Gummibears and Gummiworms.
4. I've come to realize that, I have:
a great, supportive family.
5. I've come to realize that, I miss:
a certain group of friends, some of whom didn't even know I'm back in Singapore.
6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when:
people who think they're right go all out to make other people feel inferior. Even though they themselves could be wrong.
8. I've come to realize that, Marriage is:
something I cannot plan for (at least the wedding) thanks to the Dept of Homeland Security.
9. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking:
"where did I put my favorite socks?"
l10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be:
young at heart.
11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on:
Gummibears and Gummiworms.
12. I've come to realize that, The last time I cried was:
not too long ago, thanks to someone I shall not mention.
13. I've come to realize that, My cell phone is:
always with me wherever I go.
14. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
I press the snooze button and go back to sleep.
15. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I:
play on the Nintendo DS until my eyes get heavier.
16. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about:
what I'm so excited about.
17. I've come to realize that, Babies are:
either cuter or more annoying, if they're not yours.
18. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace/livejournal:
less than I did. Still try to catch up with people as and when, y'know?
19. I've come to realize that, Today I:
used up a lot of tissues because of my runny nose.
20. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will:
stay up late just so I can call Karl at a time he's not asleep.
21. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will:
be having a buffet with my "boss" and his wife and mother. Yay!
22. I've come to realize that, I really want to:
sleep more. I don't seem to get enough.
23. I've come to realize that, The person who is most likely to repost this:
no one I know, I guess.
. // prawninator | 11:45 + ~
I can only say that I'm excited as all hell, but I really can't say it yet. Don't worry though, I'll write about it sooner or later. Maybe sooner than later because I just have to tell someone. My excitement is eating me up!
My mother passed me a stack of paper that contained the transcripts of emails exchanged between my aunts, uncles and cousins in regards to my grandfather's birthday celebration while I was in the States. She had told me about this situation some time ago just after I came back from the States this August, but I didn't know the extent of damage.
My mother has two sisters and two brothers. Since my mom is the eldest, I'll number the rest. S2, S3, B1 and B2, which stands for Sister 2 and 3, and Brother 1 and 2. S1, who is my mother, has two children, my brother and I. S2 has four children, all girls. S3 has three children, two girls and a boy. B1 has one child, a girl who is the same age as I am. B2 has two children, both girls.
Usually when we celebrate our grandparents' birthdays, we would book two tables at a restaurant and eat there as a whole family. The final bill is usually split five ways between the siblings, my mother and her siblings. The seniors sit at one table the next generation, the grandchildren (my cousins and I) at the the other. B1's daughter, my cousin who's the same age as me, would always join the seniors, because she feels uncomfortable with us, her own cousins. Funny, because the rest of us don't mind each other, and we also try to include her in our conversations or grandchildren things. She, however is not so receptive.
Now, I don't like my cousin, B1's daughter. None of the rest of my cousins do either. Her family is the richest among the my mother's siblings asset-wise, but they are also the stingiest and the snobbiest. We used to be good friends, my cousin and I, until we went to the same school and she got placed in the best class and me, the worst. I wasn't concerned, but apparently, she was. I transferred out shortly after, and I don't care about the so-called rivalry, but she's always found ways to make me feel inferior to her, subconsciously or no.
Anyway, B1 made a minor complaint, because it's usually just the two of them, B1 and B1's daughter attending the dinner, as his wife flies to China very frequently for business, whereas almost the whole of S2's family attends, except for the oldest sister who is now residing in Australia. I honestly don't know why B1 had to bring it up now, but it sparked off a huge argument within my family. One of S3's children, the guy, just got married in March this year, and so felt like the attack was on him, as his wife is also under S3. However, S3's family also takes care of our grandparents, and even hired a maid specifically to take care of the two of them.
My only guy cousin brought up the issue with B1, and then B1's daughter came to his defense, spouting all sorts of factual and statistical information as to who should pay more or less. Funny thing is, in the table she had drawn out, Karl was also mentioned. But Karl is NEVER in Singapore and probably will not return for a long, long time. I felt like I was attacked myself, but since that situation has passed, I read on.
My guy cousin sent an email to B1's daughter and cc'ed his wife and the rest of my working cousins in retaliation to what B1's daughter had emailed. I was shocked when I continued reading to find out that she did not respond, but instead took the matter up to the seniors. In my opinion, that's like provoking a fight, getting hit, and then running to mommy complaining.
I have lost all respect for her now.
Trying to be civil and friendly has been what I've been trying to do, and I still will try, because they don't know that I know what had happened. I don't know how much tolerance I have when it comes to her and her family. She smiles at me, but sometimes I can't help but feel that condescending air around her. AND her family.
There's a lot more to it, but I'll tell it some other time.
. // prawninator | 01:44 + ~
I flipped to the first few pages where printed in Chinese was the date of publishing, and it was stated as 1967. I was holding in my hands, a 40-year old recipe book, thankfully in both English and Chinese. Looking at it, it was as though my mother was telling me, "I know one day you will leave the nest, but don't forget your roots."
For a few hours my mother and I just sat there with the book open, looking at the tasty-looking recipes, and she started telling me how to say the names of the dishes in Cantonese. I grabbed a pencil and wrote on top of the Chinese names how they might sound in Roman letters. "Char Siew Fahn" and "Chao Fu Yong Dan" were just two of the better known ones.
We had a good laugh, and we barely noticed what was on the Taiwanese variety show playing on the TV, while I struggled with my Cantonese pronunciation, especially one of the cardinal points, "North" (sounds a little like bput). Since the book had several Northern recipes, I had trouble with some of the names. But it was great fun, and it had been a while since I laughed so hard with my mother. Even my brother woke up and wandered into the living room, wondering what all the noise was about. It felt really good, though. We may have our differences (very often), my mother and I, but we love each other, and we both know it.
Recently, I expressed my desire to spring a surprise on someone, and it would cost a lot. She calmly took out her cheque book and wrote a cheque out for the sum of money, put my bank account number at the back and dropped it into the cheque deposit box of my bank.
It sometimes pains me to see how much my mother gives me, not just financially, but with everything. She eats leftovers that my brother and I haven't had the time to touch, and even though we eat simple fare like pickled lettuce and rice with some bits of fried fish or waxed sausage (or lup cheong as we usually call it), we don't complain because we know how much she goes through to put that food on the table.
Sometimes I wish I could give back as much as she has given.
Thanks Ma, I love you.
. // prawninator | 12:12 + ~
To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.|
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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