And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
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It's an inexplicable, excruciating pain to be rejected, especially the number of times I had from childhood until adulthood. From being rejected to being a friend, to being rejected to being more than a friend, rejected by boys, by schoolmates, and then later in life, rejected by companies when applying for jobs.
I tried very hard to keep my emotions in check. I would be on the verge of tears, but they would never flow, not at the beginning. Instead, I let my anger and disappointment bubble up and it would usually appear that I cope with my rejection through a more hard-headed means. Little does anyone know that when I'm alone, be it in a bathroom cubicle or my own room, I start crying. I feel awful to know that I tried so hard to be accepted, but wasn't.
Acceptance has been a problem for me. I remember vividly that when I was in school, I was ostracized. I realize now that it's also possibly because I ostracized myself. I didn't allow myself to get close to anyone. I didn't want to feel the rejection that I had expected if I tried. And therein lies the problem. I just didn't try. Being a chubby kid, I was always left out. Being a chubby, eccentric kid, I was always shunned. But instead of trying to come to terms with myself and trying to befriend people, I didn't. I couldn't cope with the would-be rejection. As a disclaimer, I finally did make some friends in school, and for that I am grateful.
Earlier this week, I suffered another rejection. This time, it was a little worse; my brother was accepted, but not me. That made me feel hurt, to be honest. My brother and I had NEVER had any problems with sibling rivalry at all, so I decided to push it aside and go elsewhere instead. I was all right until today, however. I found myself alone in my room, and I started crying. I just cried and cried and cried. I wanted the pain to go away. I didn't like this feeling at all, as though nobody would ever want someone like me. I thought about Karl, who stuck with me even though I know I can be quite difficult at times, but someone else stood out as well.
As I was searching online for ways to cope with rejection, a site just popped out at me for some reason, and I decided to click on the link. It directed me to 1 Peter 2:4-5, where it said, "As you come to him, the living Stone — rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him — you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."
I felt comforted, and was compelled to read on.
The site offered more bible references, such as John 12:37. "Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him." Even Jesus suffered from rejection during His time! I wasn't as alone as I thought I was!
I read on, and John 1:11-13 spoke clearly, "He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." I was accepted, just for accepting Him. I was accepted just because I believe.
The site offered one more link to a bible reference, and this one just jumped out and started screaming at me. John 15:18 said, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." I started crying again. Not because I was still having a hard time with my rejection, but because I felt comforted in His presence, to know that HE had gone through what I'm going through.
Then I remembered one verse. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Only now do I know what it means. It doesn't mean physical strength, it means spiritual and mental strength. Knowing that I'm not alone... gives me the motivation to carry on.
. // prawninator | 20:40 + ~ |
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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