Zhou Pei Lin

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

Yin Yang

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I don't honestly care if this is public.

I lost a friend just this last week.

It has been one of the worst experiences in my life, to lose a friend. No, my friend did not die. She rejected the friendship on her own. I don't entirely blame her, but I don't entirely agree with her actions either. People who know me know that I am fiercely loyal to my friends. However, if one of my friends do something against the other, I tend to take the side of the victimized friend. And for good reason.

In this case, my friend Han and my friend Siyue had a falling out. Apparently Han had done something that Siyue didn't like, and how did Siyue respond? By clamming up. What I mean by clamming up, is that she gave Han the silent treatment, despite Han's attempts to re-establish contact and to talk the situation out.

Weird part is, Siyue kept talking to Han and her mutual friends, me included. I was upset, because I could tell Han was upset too. Now, Han and Siyue have known each other for more than a decade, and I've known Han for about nine years compared to Siyue whom I've known for three. For them to have such a falling out made me angry, so I casually asked Siyue one day as to why she wasn't talking to Han anymore. I guess it was a bad move on my part, but we all deserve to know, I feel.

Han feels that Siyue is turning her friends against her. Siyue feels that Han is turning her friends against her. I was confused. Neither of them were doing such things, but in my opinion, at least Han talks about her problems and shares them, to find a viable resolution for the situation. However, Siyue doesn't. Instead, she tells me, "Life is just less stressful having to not deal with those negative emotions" and "...my ultimate goal is to avoid all conflict with anyone" and that "I'm not even vaguely prepared to deal with my emotions towards her, and.. I'm not going to", and "I'm just trying to distance myself from the problem...", also that "I have the right to distance myself from drama" which she is DIRECTLY involved in.

I mean, what?

Trying to reason with her was impossible. I mean, seriously. To avoid conflict is to run away from your problems. Running away from what? I don't know! None of us do because Siyue's keeping quiet! I've learned this a long time ago. You CANNOT AVOID CONFLICT. You have to face it, to DEAL WITH IT, which is obviously what she was not doing. Honestly though, to keep silent about it WILL NOT HELP. Even the yousay/shesay thing helps MORE than silence itself because at least both sides will be heard. At least both sides can TRY to bloody understand what the hell is going on.

She hurt more people than she realized.

When I tried to tell her that, I received a heated reply with innumerable "fuck you's", with the same repeated thing. The whole I want to distance myself from the problem, I just want to forget about the whole thing, I'm just not going to deal with it but walk away. She also told me, "in all honesty, no one is holding a gun to your head telling you to be friends with me. It's a goddamn choice, and if you're regretting that choice, then by all means unfriend me. With friends like you've been in the past couple of days, I don't need enemies."

How would you respond to that?

I also received this, "You've proven yourself a BAD friend to me. A GOOD friend to Han, but a bad friend to me." followed by "I'm not going to let you make me feel negatively biased toward Han anymore than you already have, (so) I'm fixing that little problem of annoying frustration that being a friend to me is. Have a nice life." before proceeding to unfriend and block me from every networking site and IM we have.

The reason why I'm so worked up over this is because years ago, I was in the same situation. Only I was on the receiving end, I was in Han's shoes. Back then, my friend Shan told me that she had been checking her ex-boyfriend's email. She never told me why, she just told me that she was. I was torn. Between keeping her secret or telling her ex-boyfriend, who had been my friend for a much longer time than her. I even considered bringing this to the police, considering what she did was a criminal breach of privacy. But I did not.

Instead, I told her ex-boyfriend who confronted her about it. She in turn confronted me about it, and then turned tail and ignored me, instead going behind my back and telling all our mutual friends that I was a liar and that I couldn't be trusted. How are you to react to that? Needless to say, I ended that friendship then because she did something wrong, but instead of owning up to it, she defended herself by painting my picture black.

I didn't want Han and Siyue to go down that same path.

Sad to say though, it's already begun it's downward spiral, I have lost a friend. Still, I believe only good friends can be honest to one another. I'd rather be brutally honest to how I feel than to lie and sugarcoat everything I say. What sort of friend would I be if I were to lie all the time? Well, it's her loss, not mine.


ps: By the way, people who aren't Chinese with self-given "Chinese" names are just pretentious in my book. Like they are trying to compensate for the lack of personality.

. // prawninator | 06:09 + ~

To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.

You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.

Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.

It's just a matter of time.

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