And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
. // bloglinks +
airina
artieee
bjössi
brandon
caterina
chillicrapblog
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cordelia
dhalif
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pris meimei
rudi
sade
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sidney
siew ling
silver
sharon
stacy
terentius
travis
tom
wenting
zhen ru
. // archives +
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. // prawninator | 02:36 + ~ I'm thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close from smashing up your modem, Ryan. It's been going on and off (repeatedly, with a 30s interval) on me all afternoon, rendering me unable to play WoW or MD. *sobs*
... *digs out the BF1942 CD's*
. // prawninator | 05:39 + ~ Was struck by a bad fever yesterday afternoon. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't even get up from the floor I was lying on. It felt terrible, mind. It was so bad, that the SMS I sent to Ryan saying I had a fever took me a couple of minutes to press out. A couple of minutes! Usually it just takes me a couple of seconds.
By the time Ryan got back, I had entered a state of delirium. Last thing I remembered before he walked in and hugged me was crying into the pillow as my head was hurting extremely bad.
What made it a little worse was that I was sick, far, far away from home. I felt like a little girl again for some reason, needing someone to take care of her. I feel that way every time I'm sick, apparently.
After being force fed two Tylenol tablets and drowned in a glass of ice water by Ryan, I was beginning to feel much better, but took a short nap anyway. Next thing I knew, I was being dragged to an IHOP for supper.
It's nice to be taken care of by him..
Anyway! *coughs*
I need to play a game. But for some odd reason my laptop keeps getting kicked off the net, compared to Ryan's PC. Maybe I should hijack it for my World of Warcraft or Neverwinter Nights endeavours... hmm. I don't think he'll mind, but I distinctively recall him telling me that his computer is off-limits with the death penalty or somesuch...
Ah well.
*takes the risk*
. // prawninator | 05:42 + ~ It's a sad day.
Late last night, Chris told me over YIM that Cody, his wolf-huskie passed away. He was old, though, fifteen human years, but a sweet dog nonetheless. In my two weeks in Tucson, those two, Fenrir and Cody, made my stay very cheerful and extremely memorable, with Cody lazing under the dinner table and Fenner always trying to grab at my food.
Chris was telling me how he was one of those who brought Cody home, when he was still a puppy, and how close they were growing up. I guess in a way, dogs can be a man's best friend.
Thinking back, I remember how I grew up as a little girl with Paulie, a little golden-brown pomeranian that I loved so much. We only took care of her for a while, but as and when, we'd go visit, or she'd come visit. Just last year, we caught the news that she had passed away. She was 18 by our years, extremely old.
I miss Paulie.
I miss Cody, too.
And I already miss Fenner.
Maybe that's why I don't really want a pet. I'm so afraid of it dying on me. In the same way, I'm afraid that people I know would pass away on me.
Like that recent scare, where Dhalif played a sick joke on all of us, saying that he's passed away. I was halfway through a phonecall with my mother when Pris sent me an SMS from home, telling me the news about Dhalif.
I was shocked.
Immediately I called her, then I called Eadric, then I called Brandon and a whole host of other people that I knew would know Dhalif, trying to confirm the rumor, if it was true. My bills were chocked up pretty high that day.
But you know what? It was all a scam. A sick joke played on all of us by a kid that probably doesn't even understand the word "worry". And what does he do? Scream at people telling them not to call him because he's alive and it's all a joke, and he SMILES.
HE FUCKING SMILES.
I'm angry, because it wasn't funny at all.
So fuck you, Dhalif. And whoever was in with that joke. Next time I catch wind of your apparent death, I won't fucking care, regardless if it's a joke or not. Boy cried wolf, didn't you read the story?
Fuck you.
. // prawninator | 07:40 + ~ Finally, after more than a week I get some time off by myself while Ryan is at work. It's been a tumultous week(s), to tell you the truth. I've got so much on my mind that I don't even know where to start.
The end of my trip to Tucson also spelled the end of my relationship with Chris. I guess the two of us felt it coming, really. Even before I had stepped foot on that plane to the USA. We ended it finally, while at the Grand Canyon. I was crying, of course, but it felt as though something in my heart settled down finally, and the general peacefulness of the place helped calm me.
I miss Chris. I don't deny it.
But I had felt odd. I felt like I was intruding. Like I was a disturbance to what he had known and loved. He might not have thought that way, but I was pretty sure, ever since that foodcourt incident, that I didn't quite belong. He knew that I had issues that I couldn't let go of, that I still couldn't let go of my feelings for Ryan, and he was gracious (and I think he said "stupid") enough to let me go.
But I want to thank him.
He made my stay in Arizona extremely memorable. I can still picture the sunset at the Canyon so clearly.. the fireworks on Sentinel Peak.. his little house.. his dogs.. his way of life.
So thanks, Chris.
So right now, again I'm sitting in Ryan's room. My heart is again, at rest. The end of my relationship with Chris might allow me to start a new one again, this time with Ryan. But it all depends on him (or Megan). I'm single. And this time, I'm staying that way until I can be with him.
I've wasted too much time and experienced too much heartache, in my opinion. Can you imagine the relief I felt when he broke a certain piece of news to me? It might seem a little quick.. but it felt so good, like a burden was lifted off my shoulders.
"So what does that make us..?"One word. Means so much. The word I've been waiting to use on the two of us since I realised that I had fallen for him. Two years. Of vicious cycles. I'm single, he's not. He's single, I'm not. Now we're both single. And we've found each other again.
"Us."
Even if I don't die from food poisoning or indigestion (or even Lactose overdose) from all this ghastly American food, I can probably die of diabetes from the apparent sweetness of it all. I love him, and now it's realised even more that we both have our lives straightened out, piece by piece, bit by bit.
He mentioned once that never a day passes when he doesn't think of me. I could say the same for him. Never a day passes when I don't think of him. He's always there in my (sub)consciousness.
Well.. Good luck, Perlin.
. // prawninator | 02:30 + ~ It's over between Chris and I.
All those preparations that we had made prior to this trip were put to use; we resolved things to the final detail while we were in the Grand Canyon. Every little thing, down to his deployment to the Happy Sandbox, my feelings for Ryan, and our feelings for each other.
It's sad, I know.
I already know I'm going to miss Chris. He has, after all, struggled to keep our relationship alive for the past six months, and I applaud him for that. He did try to make my stay here as comfortable as possible even though we weren't together anymore.
One might've thought that it'd be a weird situation, but we're so goofy anyway, it turned out alright. Every other sentence we mutter is, "What's wrong with us?" It's rather funny, really.
All I want right now... is to be with Ryan.
I've gotten everything settled.. everything....
... please let it work this time..
. // prawninator | 22:22 + ~ He said he loves me..
. // prawninator | 05:34 + ~ With all that talk about me making a decision while I'm in the USA, it seems I don't have to anymore, as Ryan had already made the choice for me. Complications have come about that I honestly cannot ignore, and neither can Ryan, so we're back (again) to best-friend stage.
I swear to God, every time I try or he tries to take our relationship further, something screws up. In this case, it's his girl (I'm not saying other, because I guess in all reality, *I'M* the other girl).
I had loved Ryan with everything I've got. And I mean everything. Sure we had our bad times, but bad times, or good times, I stood by him and supported him in whatever he did.
I don't think he realises that when I first kissed him in the car at the airport in Virginia, that at that very moment, everything I felt for him over the past two years just resurfaced. He was there. In person. Not a moving picture on the screen or a glaring photo.
But because of her, I have to back off. I don't want to make things any more difficult for him, but I truly do not want to lose him again.
I don't love Ryan because I need him, I need him because I love him and the current situation has hurt me beyond all rational thought. I almost broke something of EJ's while they were at work, but I managed to stop myself. I honestly have no doubt that Ryan is the man I want to spend my life with, but I guess this is impossible now.
I fucking hate myself.
I've always loved him. Why must something so dramatic like this happen? And to me?! Why me? Why not someone else? Why me dammit, WHY?!
I fucking hate her.
I don't normally hate people, but she is one person I honestly, truly, want to see killed with my own bare hands. She took him away from me. But because of Ryan, I will not touch her. I will continue to pretend that there's nothing between us. After all, I do care about him, and his happiness with her. But why is it that it can't be me to give him that happiness?
Thinking over about it though, I guess I don't blame him for choosing her over me. She is, first and foremost, more important to him right now than I ever would be. And since he's the best friend I really ever had.. I shouldn't be acting like this, right?
Is it a crime to want to be happy..?
. // prawninator | 03:34 + ~
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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