And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
. // bloglinks +
nat yong pamela
. // archives +
02/01/2002 - 03/01/2002
03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002
04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
06/01/2002 - 07/01/2002
07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002
12/01/2002 - 01/01/2003
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief, but when it's gone
Love goes on and on.
- Disney's Robin Hood
. // prawninator | 02:46 + ~
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm working so much and hardly get to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. I wake up, play EQ2 a little by myself while he's playing in another zone or something, I go to work, come home, play a little more while he's at work, sleep. With a little bit of chatting in between, of course.
I'm always telling myself that this will work out somehow. Oh yes, I want it to, of course, but I think I'm being a little too... suffocating in a way. Am I? All he has to do is let me know. *shrugs* I can get obsessive, but if 'treated' early, it won't be much of a problem.
I don't doubt his love for me, though. Maybe it's this.. honeymoon period thing? Oh give me a break, Perlin. This 'honeymoon period' as we Singaporeans like to term the first few blissful months of a relationship would have stretched a few years between him and I, if that's the case.
But somehow, I still feel odd.
Clue me in.
// This post is in no way trying to offend anyone in particular, just a voice of my very irrational (at times) and highly emotional feelings.
. // prawninator | 23:18 + ~
. // prawninator | 17:22 + ~
Ages have gone by since I had last spoken to you, my dear friend. And I find I miss you the same as I did then when I heard the news from your cousin. I still hear your advice in my ears, your comforting words still imprinted in my head. Yes, I know I've written to you before, why can't I write to you again? Essentially the same things, but still. Writing to you always made me feel better in ways I can't see how.
I really want to see you.
Just once. I never had, and I really want to. I loved you, you know. But you left so abruptly. I never even got the chance to say goodbye to you. Why didn't you let me? Why couldn't you hold on a little longer? I know, I know. I got angry at you for not holding on then. I don't blame you anymore. You were as strong as strong people come. Besides, you were like a father-figure to me and I'm grateful for that, but it hurts that I didn't get to tell you how much you meant to me, and say my goodbyes.
I was speaking to your cousin earlier this year. His and your students drop by his place once in a while to visit, to cheer him up. He quit his teaching job, did you know that? Of course you do.. We all miss you, Richard. We try not to show it, but I know your students miss you, as does your cousin and your brother, whom I haven't heard from in the longest of times.
Nothing can describe my pain right now, just thinking of you, our conversations. I saved every one of them, right until my computer crashed. I tried to retrieve some of the advice you had given me, but I couldn't. That was my last connection to you, right before you left. But I still remember it, though I would've liked to have a physical copy.
Remember me talking about him? It's all right now, my dear friend. You need not worry about me regarding this any more. Things have turned out so much better than I had expected. You might be proud of me, you might not. But I'm sure you, like other people only wanted me to be happy, no matter what my choices were. I just hope you're happy for me.
I miss you terribly, Richard. I long to be able to speak to you again, but it's impossible, isn't it? I don't even know what compelled me to write this letter to you. I just suddenly thought of you, and tears started streaming down my eyes.
I suppose this seems like a preposterous request, but wish me luck. I know somehow you're still there, somewhere. And I know you still love me the same as you did then. I'll always be your "Likkul Bunny", right? I'll always be your little girl. You haven't lost that in me, yet.
Oh, I'm twenty-one now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I turned twenty-one back in March on the sixteenth and I wished you could've been there then. But I tried to push you out of my mind as I didn't want to break down for 'no apparent reason'. Because nobody knew how close we actually were, and not many people knew of your disappearance. I didn't want to tell anyone. I couldn't, it still hurt and it was still raw. I'm sorry. You should've been here to be happy with me, the day I finally turn an adult, even though you would've still called me Bunny.
I miss you.
You're still there, right? I'll write you again.
. // prawninator | 00:25 + ~
I think he's disappeared again.
. // prawninator | 20:13 + ~
For the first time in a long time, I watched Ryan fall asleep again. It's a peaceful feeling. I mean, I've done it for over a year, just sitting at my computer, watching over him, myself in turn falling asleep sometimes. It's just got that calming effect on me.
On another note, my computer has been fixed. Apparently someone had overclocked it via software or otherwise to 2.21GHz, when it could only handle 1.7GHz. My little P4 is trying to be an AMD64. Haha. So my dad entered the BIOS and fiddled around with it, and I'm proud to say I'm able to play EQ2 again.
Speaking of EQ2, I'm not very keen on the fact that Ryan is always sooooo many levels higher than I am. He wasn't at all happy when he took a break in WoW and I had overtaken him by several levels. He tried (futiley) for a while to gain those levels, but gave up due to boredom and took up EQ2 again, where I am now currently level 13 and he's level 24. Yeesh.
I'm glad to have my games back, though. It gives me a form of escape from the drudgery of my normal mundane life spent in the shop. It's my form of respite and besides, games are what brought Ryan and myself together in the first place. A couple that plays together stays together. That's what someone on a gaming community I'm on mentioned.
On yet another note, had dinner with Linus and Jane tonight. It was nice catching up with them. Too bad Samantha had to work late and couldn't make it. I was rather disappointed, as we had all planned this beforehand (so to speak). Well next time round I'm not skipping classes, that's all I'm going to say.
And I'm sick. Sore throat, runny nose, the works.
. // prawninator | 23:28 + ~
Since I've returned from the USA, I've been requested by the company to do its accounts. Which means, from the very beginning this little shop was launched. Last year. In MAY.
I have a year and a few months worth of accounts to handle. I managed some before I left for the USA, and between then and now, there were two other people who had been trying to handle the accounts other than me. Imagine the number of duplicate entries per item I had to scan through and correct.
I mean, seriously. Was there a game launched in March called "ART OF WAR"?!
I had THREE different entries for Morrowind, too.
The entry I had for it was PC Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind. When I returned to the system, I had found more entries of the same game, such as "Morro Elder Scrolls", "Morrowind GoTY" and "Morrowind Pack". I mean, HOW MANY NAMES CAN THE GAME MORROWIND COME UNDER?!
I did not study Mass Communications to be stuck in a dark room doing ACCOUNTS. I hate numbers. I hate them to the core. I'm stressed out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I need to be out there, with the people. I'm tired, and I'm falling sick.
Earlier this morning when I called Ryan, he could sense the tension in my voice and asked me if I was ill. And I didn't realise it at first, but replied yes. Because I did feel sick. And I'm still sick now. I feel like throwing up.
But you know what? I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that if I throw up, I'll throw up numbers and prices and the names of games. This new "task" that I've been given is making me hate games. And that takes a lot. Battlefield and Black Hawk Down, and MORROWIND can kiss my fat, cellulite-laden ass.
... I hate this.
. // prawninator | 18:37 + ~
Couldn't sleep last night, kept tossing and turning around. Ryan asked if there was anything on my mind. I thought for a minute, and responded as truthfully as I could, "No, not really." because there just wasn't. It was blank. Or maybe it was because of my digestive system driving the rest of my body crazy.
Either way, I couldn't sleep and was half-a-zombie at work.
And I just found out that my off-days have been switched, from Tuesdays and Fridays to Wednesdays and Sundays. That way I get one weekday off, and Sunday morning to play PnP with the rest of the MSN group. Wonder how far we'd get the next time. *grins*
So Ryan isn't too happy that Howard's back. And I understand his reasoning, and as much as I want to do what he suggests, I'm sure he knows that I can't. Telling him, or any other person to 'fuck off' from my life is not something I can just do, unless s/he has offended me greatly.
I guess it's just me.
Then, all of a sudden, I'm struck with worry. If Ryan gets into any trouble at any point, I wouldn't know. How would I know? I'm so far away. For me, if I anything happens to me, I have clear instructions to my family on whom to contact first.
I'm trying my best not to be so clingy. Heh.
But that doesn't stop me from worrying.
I worry about my friends too, don't get me wrong.
I'm a worrywart, according to Bjössi.
Ah well, maybe that's why I always seem so tired.
. // prawninator | 02:22 + ~
I'm in tears.
And I don't like it.
Times like this I just wanna cry to someone..
..then I realise there's no one to cry to.
I really don't like being in tears at this hour.
And I've got work tomorrow too.
. // prawninator | 03:15 + ~
I think my PC just died.
Thanks to Kai, I believe who has been installing weird crap just so he can play DoTA, in Warcraft 3. There is a reason why I never buy pirated games anymore, if I can find 'em. Apparently these programs and installations have been passed down from classmate to classmate.
And it landed in our hands.
I was sceptical, but I thought hey. Those were original (I think) installation discs. And I didn't know what else came along. Did a scan on the computer, bam. 54 new infections. From only 3 the last time I scanned (which wasn't too long ago). I'm kinda pissed right now
And I'm in tears.
My old Acer laptop just died a few days ago. Now this? I spent HOURS, DAYS even, on that computer and it wants to die on me. I swear the next time I upgrade it, it's going to be in MY ROOM. No one will be fucking allowed to touch it anymore.
At least if it spoils, I'll know it's my fault, and won't get pissed at anyone else but me, cry a little, then spend time to fix it. Now, I just want to kill my bitch of a brother.
And make him pay for the repair costs.
...Fucking piece of fucking fuck.
. // prawninator | 02:22 + ~
My life is now complete.
. // prawninator | 00:30 + ~
. // prawninator | 10:27 + ~
I don't want to be expected to drop everything and everyone and run back to him, when he was the one who seemed to have dropped me like a hot potato. Because I'm not. I'm serious about Ryan, and I intend to stay that way.
But then again, I'm happy that Howard's back. I still consider him a friend, and everyone knows how much I hate to lose a friend in any circumstance, unless pushed to the extreme. This was close to the extreme, honestly, though hate wouldn't be the word, but utter disappointment.
I guess that happens.
As for Ryan..
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I should start believing in karma. I know he believes in it. He'd better, because I'm doing A LOT for him. Hehehe. I wouldn't say he owes me anything. I'll just say he should return the favor at his own pace. I understand his difficulties, but still.
He'd better set his priorities right this time, or I'll personally kick his ass all the way to... Florida or something the next time I see him. Rahahaha. *evil laugh*
Now, I'm $400 poorer.
*tears her hair out*
. // prawninator | 23:27 + ~
I get the worst cramps in the world, it looks as though I killed something on my bed, really. And it's only the second day, oh joy. Can't imagine the rest of this ordeal. It's at times like this I really hate being female. I mean, detest being female.
Chris is leaving for the Happy Sandbox today.
I have mixed feelings about that. I'm pretty upset that he has to go so soon, but I'm also glad I got to see him before he goes. And this time spend a good amount of quality time with him, instead of the last time he was here, when I was working my ass off.
I can only wish he'll call back before he goes off.
The MSN PnP session didn't advance to where Ryan and I planned it to, but we made some considerable progress. Weird thing is, we're getting all our equipment replaced with masterwork items. For FREE. Well, kinda. We'd have to retrieve the bodies of the previous party that went into a dreaded tower and never returned. Never expected Ryan to be so emotional (he was tearing up, the sweetheart) over the townsfolk's loss of the five lost adventurers, and I never expected him to be that generous either.
Then Brandon (not Gan) drops me a message out of the blue asking if I was alright, then proceeds to tell me that he had a dream about me, and was sort of wondering about me. Now, he's not one to really pay attention to his dreams, but he had this reasoning that if I'm there as a prominent figure in his subconscious, maybe he should start paying more attention. Weird.
Then, the big bad shell dropped.
Ryan Howard, whom I have not heard from nor referred to in a very, VERY long time, contacted me again. I mean, he's practically disappeared from my life, gotten himself engaged, gotten himself UN-engaged, and then suddenly he's back. Like he never left in the first place.
Our conversation was mostly "I'm sorry" on his part and "It's okay" on mine. We tried to catch up a little, but time constraints forced us to stop. Even though he had hurt me bad, I really don't like to lose someone I care about. I thought I lost Howard, really. I thought him dead, because that made me feel better about his disappearance. But nonetheless, at least he's a friend again.
I guess sometimes things ain't what they seem, eh?
Right now, all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep. I haven't had a good sleep since I helped Ryan with his MSN campaign yesterday. Maybe I should...
. // prawninator | 20:28 + ~
*stretches her feet and bounces around*
It's good to be back at work.
. // prawninator | 15:25 + ~
But as he said, it'd only be delaying the inevitable.
We were silent, on the seemingly terribly long journey towards the airport, and then we sat down for breakfast, where I took some goofy photos of him. We took a couple of photos with each other and of each other, hugged and kissed, and I didn't want to let go. I was just delaying the inevitable. So I walked to the customs. They bloody confiscated my eyebrow trimming scissors, dammit.
On the flight from Norfolk to Chicago, I dozed off a little, like how I'd somehow lose focus in a game that the two of us would have been playing. He'd poke me or kick my chair, and the guy seated behind me on the flight slammed his meal tray on my seat a little too hard, waking me with a start and I instinctively turned to my left, almost expecting Ryan to be staring at me incredulously or with that goofy grin of his. But no. All I saw was the side of the plane, and I started crying.
It was worse from Chicago to Hong Kong, a fourteen hour flight. Trying to get my mind off things, I turned the in-flight radio on, and the first song I heard was this Chinese song going, "Are you used to not having my shoulder as your pillow?" and I started crying my eyes out. The two men I was sitting next to just looked at me sympathetically and ocassionally passed me tissues, but didn't press the matter.
Seriously though, being away from home for so long for the first time in my life taught me a little about independence, considering I had to cook my own food (kinda, sorta), cook HIS food, do mine and his laundry and clean up after myself. And him too, of course. It taught me how to care for him.
But well. Shortly after I got used to the humidity in Virginia (my lips are cracking now, even in Singapore), I got used to being around him, living with him. And sadly, shortly after that, my departure was due. I had to leave; I had a job and family to return home to, as much as I wanted to remain with him.
I remember how it hit me a few days before I had to leave. I'd turn all morose and start going silent for no apparent reason, and the crying I did was phenomenal ("You make it sound like I'm dying tomorrow"). I had to try not to cry around Ryan. He didn't like it, and I didn't like it either. I only cried like a baby denied his candy when he found me sobbing in the living room or wherever, and wrapped his arms around me. Then I just.. let go.
On the flight from Chicago to Hong Kong, I kept looking at my watch and thinking, "What would he be doing now, I wonder?" and at five minutes to 11pm, I knew EXACTLY where he was. Sitting on his chair in front of the PC I upgraded, playing EQ2. And I would've been there on my little roller chair at my makeshift desk with my laptop, chatting in MSN or forums, playing WoW or just watching him play EQ2. Occasionally getting him food or drinks. Sometimes even a backrub.
Every time I close my eyes, I see him wiggling his nose at me like he always does. I see him pecking my forehead with his visor. I see him, him, him, him, him. And it's driving me insane. I wanted to just kick and scream and yell at the aircraft people to let me go back, let me run back into his arms and stay there. And don't leave. Never leave.
Was I dreaming? Am I still the hopeless romantic?
But tell me that the past months I was with him wasn't real. He is real. Every bit of him felt real. So real that right now, as I'm typing this, I feel empty. I don't feel home back here in Singapore, at my own PC. I keep on reaching out for him, then realising that he's not there.
I miss being in his little room in the little house along Hummingbird Lane. I miss sitting at my makeshift desk. I miss him lightening up the room (sometimes literally) whenever he tried to sneak up on me while I was playing games on his PC. I miss sleeping on the blanket I've seen him use for the past two years. I miss the pile of clothes along the side of the wall that I had washed and folded and put aside. I miss the even bigger pile of dirty laundry right next to his clean clothes. I miss the trash can in the corner. I miss the mess of cables behind his computer. I miss his messy closet, his messy trunk of his car, the messy passenger seat, everything.
I miss it all.
Most of all, I miss him.
His hugs, his kisses, his nose-wigglings, his tickle attacks, his relentless poking, his pimple on his back, his light brown hair, his beautiful eyes, his reaction when I told him to take me to a bookstore to buy me the new Harry Potter book, his scent, his nudging with his foot, his kicking my chair, his voice, his gaze, everything.
I miss him so goddamn much.
I want to go back..
. // prawninator | 01:46 + ~
One month of being together, being with him. Waking up next to him every morning, tending to his little pains, him tending to my little pains, playing games with him, footrubs, backrubs, pizza, pasta, mix-n-match instant noodles, fast food, sushi, chili, and everything else.
One month has passed.
And it's time for me to go home.
I don't want to. Just when I'm beginning to get used to him being around.. when I'm beginning to get used to being here. When I'm beginning to feel settled around him, I have to leave. Very reluctantly.
But I had already extended my trip twice, and I'll be pushing it if I wanted to extend it one more time. This time if I do, I'd have to pay, and I don't think I can afford to stay here much longer if I don't find a source of financial stability. Such as a job, which I cannot apply for as I'm not a citizen nor permanent resident.
The past few days have been terrible. It finally sunk in that I'm leaving him, after wanting to be with him for so long. I'm not leaving, leaving him. I mean, leaving the country. I mean, I don't know what I mean.
I just don't want to go home.
Now that he's with me..
I don't want to lose him..
. // prawninator | 21:53 + ~
As I'm writing this, I'm only left with just a few more days left in the USA, and with Ryan. I can tell you honestly that I don't want to leave. At all. But what can I do? My Visa Waiver Program is only valid for 90 days. And even then, I have a job to return to. If it's still there when I return. I might have gotten replaced. Audible gasp!
If it isn't, I'd be tempted to take up the rest of my money and fly back to the USA to find a job and get my green card or something. That doesn't seem like a bad idea, but it's impractical. Sure, Ryan said he could support me. But.. I don't feel right, know what I mean? I like to earn my own "shopping money" too (you know, there ARE some games coming out in November...).
But on to the present. No point thinking too far ahead; it's just not me. I'm currently hooked on the one game I once swore never to touch: Everquest II. I feel so dirty. But it's really quite interesting, considering how your character develops certain skills at certain levels, having to study "manuals" to be able to advance in that skill and so forth. Tradeskills are a bitch to do, though. I never got the hang of it. I should soon.
What about World of Warcraft then? Like what Ryan suggested this morning, I might just have to use my laptop to play WoW and his computer to play EQ2. At the same time. That might be interesting, and the connection can more than enough handle it, but I don't think I'm able to multitask that much.
Anyway, I gotta start preparing to pack up the stuff that I don't need for the rest of my stay here. At least then when I pack everything else it'd be quicker. That, or I'll just dump everything haphazardly into my suitcase like I'm doing now.
.. I really don't want to leave...
. // prawninator | 01:16 + ~
To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.|
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
. // links | misc +
- poorgamergirl auction
- email me
- [shop] wear your dice
- [shop] the poor gamer girl
- idm website
- idm forums
- halloween photos
The Poor Gamer Girl Fund
We could use any help we can get, but you are not obliged to.