And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
. // bloglinks +
airina
artieee
bjössi
brandon
caterina
chillicrapblog
chris (one-year-gap)
cordelia
dhalif
donald
ember
ewan
ewen
fadil
frances
giggs
guthrie
huiwen
ian
ivy
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labbit
leck koon
leonard
linus
marcus
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melvin
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nat ho
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potatobiscuit
pris meimei
rudi
sade
samantha
sidney
siew ling
silver
sharon
stacy
terentius
travis
tom
wenting
zhen ru
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You can never get a straight answer out of them.
But most women can't live without them.
I'm no exception.
Went to school this morning, late as usual, but still the third one to reach class. Oh well. I was happy. Over the moon. Elated. Euphoric. Joyous. What other happy words are there? I'd list them all. But the operative word is was. Why? I guess I was too happy... and thought maybe finally I could... you know... get an answer out of him... but woe is me (how dramatic) nothing of the sort returned. I got so afraid of rejection... afraid that he doesn't like me... afraid that he would avoid me, so much so that I just... cried. Right there in Bishan. I know, I'm a very emotional person. Sometimes I scare myself because of this. All the waves of feelings and sensations course through me so quickly that I have no time to react and just... break down.
So after having a piano-battle with Elijah, Sam and I took the train home... I started crying again. I couldn't help it. I don't know why. It just hurt so much, I didn't know how to take it at that point of time. When Sam alighted at Yew Tee, I carried on in the train to Jurong... but I don't know why I didn't alight there... I just sat there... and only when I reached Novena did I realise I had taken the train all the way back. So I got off and took a bus home. Again I started stoning... My toes were frozen purple and hurt but I didn't realise it until I saw the familiar Ayer Rajah Expressway... then I was conscious about my surrounding... and how much my toes couldn't move.
Walked from the bus-stop back home and nearly got run down by a bus number 14 coming from Clementi. I just... couldn't pay attention to anything. I don't know why, it's just painful.
I felt stupid.
I had gotten myself in almost an identical situation as last time, and getting hurt in it. Within two months too. What the hell is WRONG WITH ME?
I just want so much to be loved...
*cries*
If only he knew...
. // prawninator | 17:27 + ~ My mobile wallpaper is...
A little heart with wings...
*sighs*
That's how my heart feels now, I guess... Fluttery... Floating... Flying... On the wings of (hopefully) love...
*sighs*
If only I knew...
. // prawninator | 21:01 + ~
What is wrong with me?!
Everytime I think of him my faces grows warm and turns a deep shade of red... Argh. What's going on?! I get nervous all of a sudden and I can't seem to think of anything else for a while... Just about... *sighs* him... But... why?!
Does he feel the same way? I don't know. I get jitterbugs in my tummy whenever I see his name... or receive an SMS. Any SMS for that matter, always hoping it's him... Jitterbugs... Hehehe... Just like... when I took his hand in mine... jitterbugs... Stuttered speech... silence... but smiling... Argh.
What on earth is going on?!
I need an explanation... It's a funny feeling but somehow or rather, I like it... Jitterybuggery... Hahaha... *laughs nervously*... well... I don't know... I just... can't stop thinking about him at all. It's a weird feeling. Every fifteen minutes or so I'd look at my mobile to see if he'd called or he'd SMS... and I get really disappointed that he didn't... and before I actually manage to pinpoint how I feel, my face goes red again and I hide myself in my room all day...
Even my mother asked me why the hell I was smiling so incessantly for over dinner last night when I returned from his phonecall...
Ack...
. // prawninator | 18:48 + ~
What the hell am I doing up at this hour?!
. // prawninator | 07:29 + ~ Didn't go to school today. Fever registered itself as 38.6ÂşC in the morning... But by the time it cleared, it was too late for me to head to school. Oh well, I'll catch up. I know I can. Heh.
Don't know what he's up to. Does he like me, doesn't he like me? I don't know... well... hopefully he does because it's been a long time since I've felt this way about anyone, male or female. Local anyway. Heh. He calls me... I call him... and we can chat for quite a while... if he doesn't have to go for his exercise I think we would have chatted for quite a while more.... and I wouldn't mind.
When I SMSed him saying I had a fever, he replied saying "Oh dear you got a fever... *hugs*"... and I just melted. Bleh. I know I seldom melt. But this was.. I don't know. SMSed him later in the afternoon quoting a Mr. Big song, "I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you'll feel it too..." and his reply was... "How persistent you are". Hahaha. Perhaps.
I guess I'm just lonely... but Ewen.. he's... I don't know how to put it in words. I just feel comfortable around him... I hope he knows how I feel towards him... and I hope he feels the same way too...
"Hope is the hat rack I hang my dreams on..."
. // prawninator | 23:56 + ~ Slept quite late. Was talking on the phone till about 2330. Bleh. Woke up this morning to my mother's constant nagging. Bleh. Kinda annoying, sometimes. Hehe.
Got to school late... Was feeling a little feverish by 0800, and decided to wait until the fever cleared before heading to school. Must be the rain yesterday. Pfft. Was feeling better by 0830 so took a train down to school... reached the classroom at 0945 or so. Yikes. And the day before, my writing pad and sketchbook had been soaked. Pfft. Need to get a REALLY waterproof bag. Pffffft.
Well. My straight hair is now back to it's wavy form. Bleh. I liked it when it was straight. Samantha even said she didn't mind helping me straighten, as she watched Linus do it the other day. Hehehehe. If she say Linus no skill, I don't think she has much either. Heehee. :x
School's getting more and more mundane, but yet I don't see any reason why I shouldn't turn up. Swensen on the hand hasn't been turning up for Padhman's classes. Gotta persuade him to sleep early next time. Pfft.
Need... sleep.
But can't. Or tonight I wouldn't be able to sleep. Pfft. Argh. But I'm soooo tired! I'm just so tired! Been listening to Talentime 2001 over and over and over again. I don't believe it. Heh.
. // prawninator | 16:51 + ~ Woke up real late today... found out about a sale going on in Ginza Plaza and decided to take a look. I saw many many many many many cool guitars... but I don't know what my brother likes... so I gave up and waited for Ewen to arrive...
Had to give him specific instructions on how to get there, but since I knew the route like the back of my hand, I just told him what to watch out for, and he managed to find his way. Heh. Asked Eric about the Void Deck event this August (he's so cuuuuuuuuuute!!) and walked around the stalls. Ewen found an amp he liked, and he tried it out... a little crowd gathered to watch him play as he tested the amp out. But then he decided that the amp he has at home was better, so we left for Clementi Central shortly after.
Hung out at Coffee Bean for a while and while I was there, killed and crushed a cockroach. Ewen hates those things, or so he says. I used to catch them for the sake of catching them though. But that was years ago. Hehehe. Oh well.
Walked toward Dover MRT Station... and it began to pour. Ewen whipped out his umbrella while I stayed soaked. Hehehe. I love the rain. So Ewen complained about his soaked suede shoes... and his socks... and the weather. Hahaha. Oh well, my fault if he falls sick.
Heh.
. // prawninator | 21:40 + ~
*looks over the previous post*
I feel like such an idiot.
. // prawninator | 03:56 + ~
Why oh why is this so confusing? Well to hell with it. I don't care, I don't want to bother, and I don't really think I should be dwelling on it anymore.
Was out with Ed, Cin, YF, Shan, Sam, Fei, Bruce (new fella), Euro and Ewen today. Felt quite weird... Very weird in fact. I don't know why but I felt kinda drawn to Ewen, much like I was drawn to Remy years ago. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure how. But I don't think I should bother.
So anyway, we were at C.A.N. in the afternoon - evening... Then we decided to leave, toward Pasir Ris. Four of us, YF, Ewen, Bruce and I had to squeeze in the back seat. Fei told us to keep our heads down (traffic police and because Ewen and Bruce were obstructing the rearview mirror).
Then Fei sent us (being me, Shannen and Ewen) to Bobo's chalet. Shannen felt out of place for a while... so she left with Fei while Ewen and I collected our stuff and stayed behind at Pasir Ris. Met quite a few people there... I didn't know half of the people there, but since I told Bobo I'd be going, I stayed... talked to Dhalif and some others for a while.
Then the time for me to go home soon came... and I left along with Ewen. Took a cab back, and went to Ewen's place first. I don't know what came over me, but I sorta like leaned towards him. Basically sitting straight too long hurt my back... then he just went "Aiyah, lean lah lean lah." and so I did... then he leant his head on mine... I didn't say anything... but I felt funny. Then the weirdest thing happened. I looked up at him and I asked him "ä˝ ć沥ćçľčżĺĽłĺŠĺçćďź" (did you ever hold a girl's hand?) and when he said no... I just... took his hand in mine. ARGH. Why was I doing that, I don't know. He held on though, he didn't object... Heh. WHY?! I don't know either! The funny part wasn't that... at the moment we held hands and became suddenly more conscious about everything about me, the radio played a song, "ćçľć" (Holding Hands).. the both of us laughed nervously...
So he got off the cab... and I went home... First thing I did was to call Shannen and tell her about what happened. So she suggested I ask Ewen about how he felt about me... and he was like... if you had watched Finding Nemo there was one part where Marlin said to Dory, "No no no, I like you. It's because I like you that's why I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion". I felt that he was actually saying that to me. But if he felt that way, why didn't he want me? And if he didn't like me, why didn't he object when I held his hand?
I feel used, and cheated. I feel like he misled me, just like so many other guys before him. Why do guys always do this? Can't they... just... be straightforward? They say they don't want to hurt the girl's feelings... but by doing so... it hurts more. ARGH I really don't know what else to do.
I don't know if I can face rejection again.
I'm sorry, Ewen.
. // prawninator | 03:47 + ~ Revamped the blog.
Couldn't take that babyblue layout much longer, it was just... too... bright and too happy. Gee, I dunno.
Well anyway I've been in a pretty down mood lately. Just couldn't figure out what life was and what it was about. Punched the wall till my knuckles were sore and my wrist a little twisted. I just felt that the world didn't love me... and that I was just an outcast... everybody's best friend but nobody's lover. Oh well.
But after thinking it through... I just realised that there's more to life than I thought. Life itself.
You see... Life itself IS worth living for. It's an entire journey, an adventure on its own. Experience it for yourself.
I got my hair straightened by Linus yesterday and Sam had her hair darkened. It's quite fun if you have a hairstylist in your class. It can be quite an eye-opener. Went to meet Trav and we set off towards Sam's place. Hehehe. Sam has the cutest baby photos!! I don't remember myself looking that cute. *grins*
Nothing much else, really.
. // prawninator | 10:02 + ~ Removed the pics. Sorry.
. // prawninator | 11:58 + ~ You're the only person who ever called be beautiful. The only person who actually, even for a short time, appreciated me, and what I did. I don't understand you, I don't understand you at all. Why do you know everyone so well, why do you know how they feel? Your mind, your body, your character... all... perfect. Of course, they say that nobody's perfect, but you... you are different. You've been through so much, but yet you're still on your own two feet.
I don't know if you've been lying to me, or I have been lying to myself. I just don't know. I feel helpless. Very helpless. Am I in love with you? Am I? Tell me, because I don't know. You tell me that you don't want me to get the wrong idea, and you don't want me falling in love with you...
Maybe, just maybe... I already have a long time ago. I've known you what, two years? Of course, I did have a crush on you, true. But now it feels different.
I admire you, my friend, for your courage, your faith in yourself, your determination, your zest for life. Your positive outlooks and contagious happiness sets you apart from most. You are by far... the most beautiful person I know.
But for your information, I didn't kiss you. You were the one who kissed me... and I was pleasantly surprised when you did.
Thank you.
. // prawninator | 02:20 + ~
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
. // prawninator | 01:36 + ~ I'm home. Yes, home sweet home.
I've been at Costa Sands (Pasir Ris) for the past three days, for YF's birthday bash. Started out fine, ended fine
"Aiyo maiyo! Aiyo maiyo! Aiyo maiyo! Aiyo jiu kar kar yo..."
well,this was mainly the 'theme' of the entire chalet/bbq/party... other than the droning voices of the men going, "WO ZEN ME KU DE RU CI LANG BEI..."
Well 30-40 people were supposed to attend... But only a few turned up. In the end about more than half that number showed up. Oh well.
List of attendees
01) ME!
02) Lee YangFeng (Marcus)
03) Fazel
04) Cheryl
05) Yulun
06) Melvyn
07) Ivan
08) Zijian
09) JueHui
10) Chris
11) Travis
12) Yew Teck (YF's army friend)
13) Lin Jian (YF's army friend)
14) Jun Qiang
15) Weijie
16) Anson
17) Irwan (YF's army friend)
18) Leon (YF's army friend)
19) Shannen
20) Samantha
21) Guthrie
22) Pam
23) Charles
24) Richel
25) Karkar
26) Sogetsu
27) Cheryl's mom
28) Cheryl's sis
29) YF's mom
30) YF's aunt
31) YF's uncle
32-35) YF's cousins
I was pretty much alone during this chalet, just flitting here and there talking to various people, you know... introducing myself and talking. And it's at this chalet that I've found out who are the meanest peeps. Hehehe. Mean in a good way.
2nd Runner Up: Shannen! The newest addition to this particular crapper family is by far one of the shapest-tongued females known to mankind. Even Guthrie himself was complaining. *laughs* And he ain't bad himself.
1st Runner Up: Anson! He has been lurking in the shadows of #steamboat, and finally the suaning and verbal "insults" came pelting down on me. Heh! Kinda scary.
Annnd the winner is..... *drum rolls*
Travis! With his cool use of intellect and his extensive knowledge of the English vocabulary, he is one tough guy to beat. He started talking about how plants were the superior species and how prawns were bound for extinction and the chef's kitchen. And to think I was sitting in the "Line of Fire" during dinner, in between Shannen and Travis. Ugh. *grins*
Overall it was good and not-so-clean fun. Not-so-clean? You wouldn't be clean if you had cake mussed up in your hair by your very own secondary school senior now, would you? *laughs*
. // prawninator | 18:42 + ~ Think happy
Be happy
Stay happy.
As much as I try to keep that in mind and follow it truthfully, a little bit of the fucked up side of me would probably surface. So it happened, today. Heh.
Everything's fine and dandy, great and peachy. Okay so what, I doubt I'd be able to take my Degree course (which starts in Sept) because I'd probably be remoduling a few... and besides, I don't have the money.
So my mom's in a fit and she tossed my stuff onto the ground and almost causing the blades of a fan to kill me and my brother off. Wouldn't it be better for her? She wouldn't have to have so much stress anymore. Why is she stressed? How am I to know? I try my best to be happy come home and please my mother and father but what do I get? My handphone smashed up and my Graduation Project guidelines torn in the process. Oh happy day.
And now I feel like I've got no one. I can't fit in with Remy or Michael and their cliqué anymore (mainly Mark and Phyllis etc.) so I just decided to leave. They probably wouldn't want me anymore anyways. After all, they always seemed to have a problem with me, but who the fuck cares anymore.
The pressure of being accepted, being loved and just being me... is eating into me now. I don't know what else I can do. Stress from school home and whatever social life I have left is slowly dissolving my sanity. Tearing at my heart and chewing at my brain.
I give up.
"No, don't give up if you haven't tried!"
Who are you to tell me that I haven't?
"Well... uhh..."
Then shove it.
. // prawninator | 23:23 + ~
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
. // prawninator | 15:00 + ~
Fuck, mIRC, you suck.
I was writing here and then you showed up and cancelled my fucking post. Go to fucking hell, mIRC.
Khaled Mardam-Bey, eat my shorts.
. // prawninator | 00:34 + ~ Don't feel like posting any pictures. Basically because I was lazy to upload any. *laughs* Sorry sorry.
Anyway, Saturday was quite good. Dhalif was the constant grinner (even Jamie Yeo said so. Heehee..) It was fun, actually. I didn't know that my ex-coursemate, Weiyong from NYP was gonna be there at all... until I saw him preparing... And he was like, "Eh Prawn!". Heh. Wished Brandon, Dhalif and Weiyong good luck before Jason, Shannen and I went to find some seats.... ended up sitting just left of the stage.
Brandon was stiff and Dhalif was cute (and a goooood hugger!!)... Weiyong on the other hand looked as though he was having an orgasm. Oh well. In the end... Weiyong won first prize, a Gibson Les Paul guitar, Dhalif got second and another fella called Arshaf (sic?) got the third. All in all it seemed like a strangely disorganised event but it was interesting anyways.
Daniel and Yiyong, along with Kim Ken attended as well... and guess what? So did Roman! Okay, so I finally met up with the crazy fireballer. Hehehe. He's very tall... and very... cute, really. Hahaha. But Daniel looks soooooooo good with his long hair and unshaven face. Yeah really, he does! Am I obssessed? Nah, kidding. Jac, an old friend from NYP as well was there to support Weiyong... Hehehe. Gave me hug when he saw me... Nice fella, actually.
The excitement wore off after a while after the competition... Chinablack was packed for once. I just had NOOOOOO idea Zhiwei was gonna be there like 11pm. I left at 10pm to have supper with the guys... Shannen and Jason left early. Aw. Okay so I went over to Bran's place to get my dad's mobile phone back... and then I went home.
Forgot what I did after that.
No, really.
. // prawninator | 22:38 + ~ Strange... it's been one month since I took the bandages off my wrist. Both of us (I think) are trying hard not to think about it. But oh well, who cares. This means I haven't seen the IDM guys in more than a month. Gee. Daniel was the last one of IDM I met up with, when I went for supper with him and Brandon at Teck Whye.
So anyway, I won't be back tonight. Why? Well... There's this Jim Beam Guitar Showdown at Chinablack I'm going to attend. Brandon's competing and so is Dhalif. I can't say I'm rooting for one more than the other... but if anyone wins, I hope it's Brandon (I know him longer lah). So there. *laughs*
So anyway. I've been down lately (as evident to my previous posts)... but I haven't been the only one. A friend of mine, Shannen (I just added her blog to my links!) whom I've never met (yet) by the way, was down as well... because of... well... Brandon. But that's another story.
I even have a self-promo (SHE wrote it, not me!) on her blog. She's crazy. When she's sad, she can be really down... and when she's happy... well... Just look at this way: She's like the sunshine breaking through the clouds after a rainy day. That's how I describe her because that's how she is. She's actually very pretty, and if Brandon doesn't want her it's his loss. So there!
Alright, I gotta get going. Meeting Shannen at 1500 and then her godbrother Jason at 1630. If I've got any pictures, I'll try and find some place to host them and then post them up. If not... well... too bad.
Hmm..
Maybe I should start a photolog.
*shrugs*
. // prawninator | 13:38 + ~
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
The tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world... mad world...
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world... mad world...
Enlarge your new world...
Mad world...
. // prawninator | 03:36 + ~
Something's weird about the blog man, I don't know, but something is.
Heh, not that I'm one person to bother anymore.
I'm dead.
. // prawninator | 03:26 + ~ Well... I was talking about something that happened on Saturday, right? Okay here goes. But don't laugh! It's really weird...
Well I was alone and waiting at the Dhoby Ghaut train station for Samantha, Yangfeng and Travis to arrive when a man sat down a short distance away from me. A few minutes later he got up and dropped a piece of paper into my lap while I was reading, and said, "Hello, I can't help but notice... have I seen you somewhere before?" I shook my head and said I didn't know... when he asked for my name, I gave it to him and he continued, "Well... you're gorgeous... but you know... well... give me a call yeah? We'll do lunch? My name's Sam by the way..." And I just sat there looking bewildered... "Take care, hope to see you for lunch!" and he walks off smiling.
That was really weird.
Basically, no one in their right frame of mind would actually approach me with their number and ask me out. No, I'm not kidding. I'm not attractive at all, so when he told me I was gorgeous, my mind totally shut off to what he was going to say. Well... I still have that little piece of paper somewhere. Think I should call him? Hahaha.
Well... Sam if you're reading this... I was just really taken aback. I mean, you're not exactly my age group (or anywhere close, I believe)... Uhh... sorry... maybe next time? Oh well.
That's it.
Weird, not funny.
Oh well.
. // prawninator | 03:10 + ~ Okay. The problem has been rectified. Feeling a little sleepy... but I've got a test to study for.
No, not just any test dammit.
Television and Radio Production. And it's an examination. If I fail this... Either I do the supplementary papers or I remodule.
*grumbles*
. // prawninator | 01:13 + ~
Something's wrong. When I tried to access my blogsite, some funny thing happened and I went to someone else's blog. Does it happen? I'm not sure...
Anyway the funniest thing happened yesterday... I'm still laughing over it. I just don't know why. Oh well.
No I am NOT going to post it!
Not here anyways...
*ponders*
Tomorrow, maybe.
. // prawninator | 01:06 + ~ I know I haven't been posting regularly. It's really not very common that I'm home at this time of the night anymore. I'm probably out drinking or something. I mean, why not? Better that staying home and staring at a box and typing on a broken keyboard all day.
Spent 10 hours downloading the HL2 movie, but I haven't watched it yet. Apparently my parents disallowed me to use the desktop for two days because I'd left it on for nearly 29 hours. I mean, so what?! Okay so I wasn't home half the time... but it should be worth it. I don't know yet. Zeratul told me it was nice, so in another day I'll see how it goes.
It's exam week. I've already scraped past Social Behavioural Studies. I'm left with Public Relations in the afternoon, Human and Mass Communications on Saturday morning, Television and Radio Production next Monday and finally, Techniques of Professional Speech and Writing next Thursday. After that, the new term for school starts yet again.
Well, I should head for bed. It's almost 0500. I've been awake... uhh... 5 hours? Gosh. Uhh.. nevermind.
Goodnight.
. // prawninator | 04:49 + ~
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
. // links | misc +
- poorgamergirl auction
- email me
- [shop] wear your dice
- [shop] the poor gamer girl
- idm website
- idm forums
- halloween photos
The Poor Gamer Girl Fund
:D
We could use any help we can get, but you are not obliged to.
:)
