And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
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nat yong pamela
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It probably has nothing to do with what you think.
. // prawninator | 03:46 + ~
Made my way down to Peace Centre this morning to get my project printed out. But I left my thumb drive in their computer after I printed it. Walked back to Plaza Singapura and took a walk around, visited the arcade and sat in LJS reading my book and having my lunch...
And when I was about to go to the taxi stand... I saw..
The person whom I loved and still do was walking in the opposite direction as I was, by some stroke of luck (or a curse, perhaps, knowing that he's there but I can't have him) and his smile, his eyes, his overused cap. The first thought that came to my mind was "I'm dreaming, right?" We both stopped short in our paths. My instincts told me to run and hug him and cry and tell him never to let me go, but my mind controlled my feet and we both stared at each other for a while before managing an awkward smile and saying hello.
Asked him if he wanted to go have a drink or something and he reluctantly said yes. At Starbucks I met a junior of mine, a cute girl hehehe. She asked me if he was my boyfriend then I said that he WAS with emphasis on that word... and then I realised that I had left my thumb drive at Peace Centre. Asked him if he would like to go with me, and I noticed that he shifted a little uneasily in his seat, then I mentioned that Music City was there too and then he agreed. Honestly, the way to THIS ONE's heart is probably a guitar shop.
Picked up my thumb drive and followed him to the Guitar Gallery in Parklane, and sat there watching him play... and I realised that his playing was the first thing that led me to notice him the first time I met him. I just walked around the shop listening to his playing and trying to hold back my tears. Then he was done. I got myself a guitar pick and then we went next door to another guitar shop. Heh. Got myself two new soft picks!
Over at Plaza Singapura (again), we went up to the Yamaha music store... where again I watched him play. I find it strangely comforting whenever I watch him play the guitar. But it somehow stirs up old emotions, emotions I know I have to tuck away somewhere in my heart.
And then... he had to go. I only followed around because I had nothing to do. Walked to the taxi stand to find out that the queue for taxis was way too long and he had to meet his mom. So I led him to the bus stop outside Park Mall. We walked down that street as though we were strangers. We didn't look at each other and I was always a few metres ahead of him, if not I'm just passively standing at one side.
Only when he boarded the bus did the tears start flowing. I couldn't help it anymore. And all the way from Park Mall back home I was crying my eyes out. Yes, even in the bus. During the entire journey. I never realised how much I had missed him until I saw him today. It hurts really bad, trying to move on. He has it easy. He never loved me. But I loved him. I had loved a lie. The whole relationship was a lie...
Everything he was to me is a lie...
But still... why do I love him so much...?
. // prawninator | 23:52 + ~
Gathering information, compiling and putting together a project in a mere three days is no easy feat. Well for one thing I had no choice since the bloody 2-computer crash of September 2003. And of all times too, when I have to do my graduation project! If they had crashed earlier I would have been given a chance to appeal for an extension but nooooooooo.
They chose to crash AFTER the deadline for request. Ah fuckit. So whatever it is, I just pulled an all nighter. The dark circles are now clearly visible around my eyes. Not as though I have been sleeping well the past few weeks anyway.
It's like... ever since he left me, I haven't been sleeping well, my weight's been fluctuating up and down. Sometimes I don't eat, sometimes I eat so much that I can best a lion; rollercoaster ride, I remember telling Jason. It ain't easy for the dumpee living in the aftermath. My friend told me to write down every happy thing that we did together and keep it aside. Maybe I should do that. You know, keep a little scrapbook and shit. Maybe I could make two and send him one... NAH. Nevermind that thought.
Workload's piling, I still need to sign up for my re-modulation. *mutters* All four of them. And I have good news too! I called Colin to find out some information as to where to hand up the project later today and he told me that everyone in my class (my tiny little class of 9) passed Journalism and News Broadcasting! Whee! Well anyway I hope there's something for breakfast. My kitchen's starting to take shape, but I still don't have a stove or much else anyway.
And right now, I miss someone totally unexpected, even for me. All you have to know is... it's -NOT- him.
. // prawninator | 07:17 + ~
My Free Open Diary was down a few days ago, when I tried to fish it out for some important information on the L33t Language that I've been perfecting myself. Okay maybe not. I've been totally intrigued about the l33t department though. It's strange how gamers can come up with such... abnormality. Okay enough of the l33t.
My graduation project is due on Saturday.
And guess what? Both my computers crashed, taking my project with them. Now I'm only halfway through. Help me man. I really... REALLY need help. Graphics in Advertising! Help me!! I'm going to be soooo dead. All right anyways I gotta continue with it and as much as I can and hand up whatever I managed to finish. Yeah.
Wish me luck.
. // prawninator | 01:40 + ~
My mind just goes blank... Argh, the pain.
I cried myself to sleep some time this week. Couldn't understand why. I was just crying and crying and crying, like nobody's business. It was terrible. My pillow was soaked, my legs were cramped up, my heart just burst out of my chest. I don't know how else to describe the pain.
Guess I'm not totally over him yet... But at least there's an improvement! I haven't been crying everynight! Hahaha. But I must say... I miss him. I miss him very much. Sometimes my room phone will ring (I had it disconnected and reconnected) and I'd run to pick it up, only to have some old lady asking for another old lady who doesn't live here. You should see my face whenever that happens. Hahaha. One moment it's happy, the next, it's really angry and then I'll become extremely irritable for the next 15 minutes at least.
I know I shouldn't let him get to me, but it's just that... I... I don't know. It's like sometimes I pick up my mobile to call him, and after pushing the numbers and pressing "call", I hang up. Sometimes I feel myself getting dressed and meaning to go to Yishun for god-knows-why, only to stop myself halfway and ask, "What the FUCK am I doing?!"
I'm not obsessed. I know his address but you don't see me camping outside his home everynight do you? Exactly, I don't. Everything just floods back into my mind... His face, his smile, his... eyes...
.......where are you...?
. // prawninator | 17:04 + ~
You are a Samurai.
You have trained the majority of your life. You are
honerable, you follow your word. You spare no
one once in combat, but that is expected, for
your oponent would do the same to you. You use
a two-handed katana.
What type of Swordsman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
. // prawninator | 04:00 + ~
Where you are supposed to be.
But I never seem to find you,
And you're all I long to see.
I just can't seem to understand,
What it was that changed your mind.
All this time I thought I knew you,
When really, I was blind.
But know that I do not hate you,
And I know I never will.
Because I care about you then
And I care about you still.
Even though you hurt me,
I can't seem to let you go.
But I will go on without you,
And I want to make sure you know.
It will take some time to mend,
The damage that you've done.
But broken hearts do heal,
That's where strength comes from.
For now, the tears may be falling,
And my thoughts keep circling to you,
But soon, things will get better
If you have hope, then they always do.
By the way, I won't be coming online as often anymore.
This connection is just a temporary setup.
. // prawninator | 11:18 + ~
Counter-Strike. As much as I loathe the game, Raven asked me out for a CS session with the guys yesterday. So I agreed, since I had nothing better to do anyway. Was to meet them at 1730, but I was late. Heh. Sulaiman, Roman, Brandon, Daniel and Raven were there, watching Daniel play some Street Fighter game. We gave our deposits and went on to play. Must admit, Sulaiman is gooood. So's Bran and Roman, come to think of it. I'm rusted. Argh. Nevermind, never liked CS anyway.
Then one of their friends, Sheng, came. He's a pro CS-er, I feel. And he finished like 3/4 of the Sour Skittles I had in my candy jar that I used to bring along for gaming sessions like these. The sourness really wakes you up. Hehehehe. Apparently Raven and some of the dudes liked it before, so I decided to bring one along yesterday. Oh anyway. There was a certain familiarity about Sheng, but I couldn't quite put my finger to it. Until later.
Dinner was at the Bukit Timah Food Center just next to Glory Presbyterian Church, and I had mutton soup! Whee. Long time since I had something as heaty as that. Talked about Menzo, school, life, and poking a little fun at Sulaiman. Then we decided to head home.
Then he called. After almost a week without a sound on my mobile phone came the once-familiar ringtone I had set to his name. It was really him. I couldn't believe it. I answered, and we talked for a while because he had guard duty and he was bored. Chatted for a while, and then he had to hang up. I want to forget who he was to me and keep him as a friend... but my focus was a little disrupted with his call. *sighs*
Roman, Sulaiman, Sheng and I headed one direction while Brandon, Daniel and Raven went the other, to get home. On the way, I asked Man where he was heading, and he said Boon Lay. Then I asked where Sheng lived... and he said Dover. I almost stopped short. So I went one more step ahead and asked him which block he lived in. -DING- Same block as me. Now I know why he seemed familiar.
Took 74 back with Man and Sheng. Roman was taking the 74 in the other direction. Talked a little while more, and Sulaiman had to drop off at the train station. Sheng and I carried on taking the bus. When we stepped into the elevator, boy was this unreal. Talk about coincidence man. He lived on the eight floor while I lived on the fourth. Heh. Said goodbye to him and went home. *laughs*
This was definitely funny.
. // prawninator | 00:12 + ~
I was talking to Shao Zhong over ICQ last night and the matter was brought up. I just gave him this URL and he read. Tried his best to comfort me, then told me something that struck me. "You are only ready for a relationship, when you know you can live without one." Honestly, I was stunned for a moment that I didn't know what do say.
I look over the past week and what have I been doing? Moping around, brooding over the fact that he dumped his first girlfriend, me. Feeling terrible about myself, wondering where I had gone wrong, what I did. I couldn't sleep. I'd occupy myself in the day by playing games or going out with my friends, but when I wrap my blanket around me, I'd think of him.
But last night... I slept so well, I didn't wake up until 11 in the morning.
I'm taking this a baby step at a time.
. // prawninator | 16:20 + ~
It was a heart versus mind thing. I couldn't handle it... so after I closed the door on him I started crying... so much so I actually screamed my lungs out. Not long after, my mom got home. I started crying out to her, how I felt, what happened and who it was. She gave me the same speech she did when I left Remy, with a few twists here and there. She told me that I've done better than the last, keeping my temper in check and everything.
It's over between us, him and me. No more. Just... friends. People would hate those that actually did what he did to me, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't hate him. I can't find it in my heart to hate him. It's like Eminem in his song "Kim" where he screams that he hates her... only to say that he loves her still. That's exactly how I felt. No matter what he did or didn't do, or even how much he hurt me, I loved him. Even he knew that. But he never returned it.
But life has to go on.
I have to stop loving him or I'll never get on with it.
Perhaps it's better that this ended early.
If you're reading this, however... ( you know who you are. )
I'm always here for you if you need me.
-This- is for you.
. // prawninator | 17:59 + ~
Took a "tour" around his house.. and Sam was like a little kid, bounding around the place and stuff like that. Hahaha. Looked at the funny collections his parents had, his room, his wardrobe even. Yes, Sam was -that- damn curious. She even went ga-ga over his pool.. teapot thingies.. apples... everything, basically. Oh, and his wine cellar too. *sighs*
Stayed in his room for a while. He played his guitar, and I listened. Sometimes singing along even. Sam used the computer and bounced around the room, laid on his bed too. *laughs* Soon it was time for us to leave. And we left, even after persuading him to join us for dinner. He had a driving lesson so he couldn't. Sam asked him if he was free this weekend, and he replied with, "Well uh..." and me, being the bitchy one, went, "Why bother? He's never free on weekends." (I'd dare you to tell me this isn't true.) and I just left. Sam managed to persuade him to walk us out the gate and down the road, but after a while I told him to go back. No point following us anyway. So he did... and I left... heavy-hearted.
Had dinner with Sam and Nick (yes, again) at Woodlands but after that, met up with Ron, an old friend whom I haven't met in a while, since he lived in the area. Ended up talking and joking with him, and him teasing me about my weight and everything. Some things don't change. I enjoyed talking with him. He was the only one that calls me up at 4am in the morning "just to chat". Ron's crazy, but since he's in NS, he's becoming... well... Stronger is an understatement.
I just realised how much I miss him when I saw him turning around to walk back home without another word spoken... just a glance... and that's all...
Is it worth it to hold on...?
. // prawninator | 01:56 + ~
Where is he? I don't know. And I didn't know yesterday either, when I was out with Sam and her boyfriend Nick. Can you actually... I don't know, how would you feel if you were out with your buddy and her boyfriend, and they ask you where your boyfriend is? Then they SMS him themselves, only to get the reply that he wasn't free? Yes, yes, yes. I'm overreacting again, aren't I?
Hahaha. I assure you my mood wasn't set by just him. It was everything, rather. Spent the entire afternoon with Nick and Sam... and after a while my happy mood just wore off. Stress from the paper earlier in the morning, loneliness and emptiness... And when I wanted to talk to someone... when I found someone to talk to, he had to go.
Things are not going too well between me and him anymore. He even told a friend of mine that he wanted to break up with me a few times, but never had the guts to actually tell me. So now I know. What's it then? I don't know.
Depression is sinking in.
. // prawninator | 13:52 + ~
Emotions flooding through my mind...
And none I can be sure of.
Stress is when you wake up screaming...
And realise that you haven't fallen asleep...
. // prawninator | 18:11 + ~
Afraid of losing him.
Look at me, I'm not what you would call beautiful.
Having someone who cares for me is hard to come by.
God, I'm crying as I'm typing this.
Why the fsck am I crying?
I DON'T FSCKING KNOW!
He doesn't love me.
So? Does it really bother me? I can tell myself, "No, it doesn't bother me. I'm fine with it, I know what he's going through." but do I really feel that way? Of course I understand. But can I accept it? I don't know. I should just try to be considerate, and give way to him right?
He cares for me.
Yes he does, and although he can't handle love, I want to understand. I really, really want to try and understand. And also find out how... how it is to love someone who cares for you... but doesn't love you. It's a funny feeling. He's your boyfriend, he cares for you and he doesn't love you. Sure he likes you, but that's as far as it goes. Even Shannen took a picture of us and remarked that "Eh, you both look like you're not in love one!". I was floored. Because she made sense.
A friend told me not to force myself to keep this relationship. I'm not. At least I think I'm not. Then he asked me if I loved him. It took me a good while to think if I did. And yes, I love him. He's gonna be scared out of his pants, and probably freak out and break up with me or something, but I just needed to let it out.
I chanced by this poem while doing some reading... Seems like it describes a little of how I feel. Changed some of the words to suit the current situation. No offence to the author.
You came into my life
Quietly, simply, placidly
And my words stood still...
I couldn't express in words
Just in simple gestures
The feelings I kept in my heart.
So I loved in silence,
Admired you for who you are
Dreamt of you every night.
I wanted to say I love you...
I wanted to say I care.
But cowardly, maybe, you'll only leave me.
In silence then I will love you...
In silence then I will care...
Perhaps I can only love in silence...
Or maybe I'm just paranoid.
. // prawninator | 02:20 + ~
A swelling of the heart
I never truly thought I would be
This happy at the start.
You take me by the hand
And lead me by the heart
Over a beach of sand
Through the grasses that we part.
With you I let go
Of intuition and sound mind
My feelings I cannot help but show
To a person who is so kind.
You kiss my lips so tender
Embrace me through the night
To you I have surrendered
Myself so hold tight.
So strongly you hold my hand
Whisper softly in my ear
I really feel that you understand
Everything you hear.
I lose myself in you
This close I have never been
These feelings are so new
To have someone part of my being.
. // prawninator | 03:27 + ~
To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.|
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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