And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
. // bloglinks +
nat yong pamela
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The owner of the webhosting service I'm using has offered to buy me a domain name! And you know what the funny thing is?
I never met him, really.
He just remembered me from some game called Shattered Galaxy years ago. When I say years, I mean years. Like... about four years? Most people don't just remember people who've only played the game for a month and a half four years ago. So I found it... quite interesting.
Too bad he's only seventeen and an entrepeneur.
Too young for me. :P
. // prawninator | 12:18 + ~
And when everything's finished, you feel a sense of satisfaction that you did something right. And you get something to eat too! It's good to make comfort foods when you're depressed, I find. Like cookies and cakes and little pies. Even if the cooking part didn't uplift your depression, tucking in to your food might.
But the best way to lift a bad mood, in my opinion, is music, or playing it. On Sunday, I played the keyboards for youth worship in church... It was awesome. The only word to describe the sensation. Not because we were playing but because the band was led into worship itself, leading the youths into worship in turn. It was a very great experience, knowing that you somehow ministered to them. I for one am not so good at... talking to a group of youths, so I do what I can.. I gotta do this more often. It really is awesome. It's as though something deep inside you awakens, and you just can't seem to stop smiling afterwards.
But I guess to each his own.
For now, I think I'll head back to sleep... Was up all night talking with a couple of people. Only managed to drift off to sleep at about 5 in the morning. Ugh. I'm NEVER going to do that again unless I'm forced, or there's a really good show on, or if Ryan gets an instant messenger. In other words, that's not going to happen often.
Maybe I shouldn't go to sleep.
I realised I have my recipe book to finish writing.
Isn't it sweet? My mom gave that to me!
. // prawninator | 11:02 + ~
. // prawninator | 21:15 + ~
A dark shadow rises within her
. // prawninator | 13:02 + ~
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But passion is fleeting.
. // prawninator | 01:20 + ~
Had been news of detained British soldiers... and I'm not sure if anything would happen to Ryan. I really hope not. He means a lot... a whole lot to me and losing him... would mean losing a part of me as well. All I can do now is pray and hope, I suppose.
My mother even suggested I do just that.
I found myself crying this evening over the possibility that he could be deployed there, wondering to myself if I really will ever see him again, if I really will ever get to hold him in my arms again. And then I realised I was thinking with my mug of beer half-empty instead of full. But one cannot help but worry if one's loved one could be in danger.
I'll just hope and pray.
I just realised how deeply I am in love with this guy. I can't believe it myself. I thought that after so many relationships and heartbreaks I could actually harden my heart but Ryan... he's so... different. He makes me feel special, like I'm the only one in his universe, yet he cares so much for his family and friends as well.
So what if he doesn't have boyband good-looks and filmstar style? I love him just the way he is, from his color-changing eyes to his cute little elf-ears, I love him. He makes my heart do somersaults in my chest and creates little butterflies in my stomach. Heh. I just... love him so much.
Now all I can do is pray for his safety.
. // prawninator | 23:34 + ~
I'm feeling terrible. My arms and legs and face are feeling SOOOO hot I can't believe it. Damn you sun! I'm never stepping out of the house into your rays ever (at least for the next two weeks) again!! You hear me?! Gah.
My brother's outside playing KOF2001 on my dad's PC. If my dad finds out, my brother's so dead. He keeps on fighting Zero but he never seems to be injured or die. My brother claims it's not fair. Hehehe. Sorry I don't have photos from the Sentosa outing. I only managed to get one, but the rest are somehow STUCK. My card is STUCK! Again!! I hate this. Annoying, it is.
Patrick has to go for surgery...
Wisdom tooth removal. Heehee. He made it sound so... ominous. "I have to be operated on. There's a bone in my body that is not positioned right and needs to be removed." Sucker. He's been looking for a job. I guess having an actual tangible girlfriend motivated him a bit. But he's still a nice guy. He's still a good friend.
Went out with Samantha, Shannen and Joseph to get Sam's slides done. All of us were pretty quiet for some reason. Anyhow, many of Sam's pictures came out REALLY nicely. Some were overexposed, but most turned out just great. I wish I had such skill, but dad wouldn't teach me shit. Ah well.
I think I'm gonna head back to sleep.
. // prawninator | 08:53 + ~
Never am I going to wear jeans to the beach again. And never am I gonna help take photos without sunscreen applied. I'm suffering! I'm in pain! Argh! But I guess it's fine. I mean, at least I've learnt a lesson.
Today was Rachel's birthday, and the attendees were Jane, Michelle, Linus, Jason, Keegan and of course Rachel and myself. We had gone to Sentosa, and had initially arranged to meet at HarbourFront at 1040. Got there at 1045, saw no one and then called, to find out they were still at Dhoby Ghaut. Nyargh. So had a few smokes and waited for them. Had lunch at McDonald's and bought some chips and water to bring over.
Took the bus over and then headed to Siloso beach. Pretty crowded for a Monday afternoon. The sky was extremely clear and the water extremely inviting. Did I mention I was in jeans? We settled in a spot under the lifeguard post. It was big and shady, so it was cool. We found an opened-up cardboard box so we put our stuff there and at least we had some place where our butts wouldn't make contact with too much sand.
After a while of not knowing what to do, Keegan and Jason went to play beach soccer while the rest (save Rachel and I) went into the water and played/swam about. After a while, Keegan started digging this HUGE (big enough for both Jason and Jane to sit in!)hole and they actually found a crab in it! It tried to pinch Linus a couple of times and Keegan had it fly about six feet in the air further inland, before catching it with a plastic bag. It's kinda cute, really. Jason christened it, "Xiao Ming".
After the whole thing was over and I was burnt bad, we headed to Seah Im to eat. Jane had to go to Marina to meet Dongli. And so ended our day at Sentosa.
And now I'm at home applying moisturiser every half hour.
. // prawninator | 20:25 + ~
I suddenly remembered my first kisses with different guys.
I'm -NOT- a slut.
And I hate the fact Blogger has no private entry thingies.
Decided to record this down for memory's sake.
(Don't assume you know these people, common names, yo.)
Daniel: It was very young, very impulsive, very innocent, and happened before either of us knew what the hell was really happening. I remember him pulling back from me and going, "Did I just do that?"
Terence: We were both fat and both single and both in secondary school. He just whipped me to one side one day. Kinda fast, unexpected, but nice. We remained together for I think about three months until his dad found out about us and outright refused to accept it.
Brendan: We were both drunk. 'Nuff said.
Andy: Even more impulsive than Daniel's. I just reached out to him and pulled him into a very deep kiss that I'm still not quite sure I wanted. *shrugs* It happened. Can't turn back time, can I?
Anthony: One of the biggest sweet-talking compulsive liars I've ever known, he swooped down on me on the first date. It wasn't terrible, just extremely quick and very rash. Stayed together for 3 days and broke off when he asked for sex.
Kenny: Same as with Anthony. Lasted for six months.
Remy: The place we first kissed at doesn't exist anymore, but I remember his words before leaning into me and kissing me; "Why are you so naive?" he had said. We had remained together after that for a very roller-coaster-like two years. Can't say I didn't learn anything from that relationship.
Eric: Was my birthday several years back. I was having problems before that but he was very supportive of me. He ended up giving me a light kiss on the lips in the hospital lobby though his lips (and hands) were very dry... but it was sweet. Lasted together for three weeks.
Wen: Biggest mistake ever. One month.
Rashid: He didn't know how to kiss. Neither did I, I suppose. I remember how slobbery and wet it was... but it was an interesting experience. Heh.
Ryan: Pure bliss. He took my breath away. I literally thought I was going to melt in his arms, honestly. He just made me feel like an entirely new person. I felt so floaty and dreamy after that, I seriously thought that it couldn't have happened... until he kissed me again. Stubble burn doesn't count. Three weeks and counting.
Yeah, I think that's about all.
All I can remember, but I suppose those I can't are not worth mentioning.
Now, kisses are precious to me; it's like a rare jewel I own, that is only given to the person I truly love. Yes, I might be naive, but after so many experiences... it's high time I learn how to treasure these little things.
. // prawninator | 00:52 + ~
Which reminds me of the dream I had last night, the one where he said, "I'll call you tonight.." and he DID! This is really freaking me out. We were discussing our dreams over the phone, and it turns out that he had that real-feeling dream too, on the same night. Then he asked if this was a sign that we were meant for each other, or was this just coincidence. Then he answered himself by saying, "Maybe it's coincidence," and before I could respond, "But then again, there seem to be alot of 'little coincidences' between us, eh?" I was kinda speechless. Heh.
Man, it's just so friggin good to just hear his voice and talk to him again. He even apologised in advance before setting my arse on fire in Counterstrike in November. I mean, whatever! Hahaha, I had a little verbal spar with him over that subject, from Counterstrike to Team Fortress Classic. Well... we'll see who's the better fragger then.
His ship might be deployed to a Middle Eastern country over the next couple of weeks and stay there for about half a year. So he'll have to pass by here in order to get there, I think. But he'd only be passing by. Not stopping over. But it's okay, it's cool. I'm just a little worried about him. If he says it'll be fine however, it will be.
. // prawninator | 23:43 + ~
I must really miss Ryan alot.
For the past few nights, all I have been dreaming about is him. I mean, seriously. That same dream, the one with me in his arms. Over and over again every time I close my eyes to sleep. I see his face, his cute (but sandpapery) stubble and his beautiful eyes.. but in different situations and places...
The last one I had was in some place I found vaguely familiar, I just can't point my finger where. I had pulled myself away from his arms to get up and go somewhere, and I can still hear his voice going, "I'll call you tonight..." as I reluctantly left the place... Then I woke up. I cried when I did. I don't know why.
On top of that, he hasn't emailed me in two days straight, so I'm probably just a little paranoid. Imagining things and all. Either that or I'm probably in one of those low, depressed moods. But then again he did say he might not be able to send an email everyday so I shouldn't think so much. That's what my mind tells me. But what my heart tells me is, "If he could do it before, why not now?" or something like that.
I just hope everything's okay.
. // prawninator | 21:15 + ~ video of Sammie acting crazy though. So funny. Hahaha. But I'll take it down when she asks me to.
You can find the details of the photoshoot at Shannen's blog
The night before, I had a really real dream, like one I had several months back when I was still with Pat (and only Pat, at that time) I call it my recurring dream, because this isn't the first time (nor the second or third) time I've had this dream, but the last time was quite some time ago. It all felt so real and so happy, from his arms around me to his eyes gazing down at me. It was all so sweet. Who was in the dream you might ask? Actually... I didn't know either... Until I saw the tattoo across his chest. Then I recognised him. Then I just burst into tears and cried in his arms. And the rest just seems to escape me.
The freaky thing is...
That same night, Ryan had a similar dream about me. Unless he's pulling my leg, of course. But from the description, it seems pretty much the same... and it nearly freaked me out. I wanted to email him about the dream yesterday when I woke up but I was already late for school, and wanted so much to go home to check my email (Sammie can confirm this fact) and little did I realise I had an email about Ryan's dream waiting for me. That was when I freaked, but I emailed him back about mine.
I wonder what his response to that is.
Mmm! *stretches* It's 8:30am. Gotta head down to Leonard's in half. Gah. I WANNA PLAY TFC! Maybe I'll bring my Neverwinter Nights CD's to install over there instead of HL. Heehee. Oh yeah that would REALLY work. Or then again I could always pester Ting for the SIMS expansions. So far I only have Leonard's.
Alright, I'll take a shower and walk over.
Quit nagging, old man Lenny.
. // prawninator | 08:29 + ~
Well... Ryan has left Singapore for about a week and a half now... and guess what?! HE CALLED ME TONIGHT!! He did mention some kind of "surprise" in his emails, but little did I know he was actually going to call me. Sure I gave him my number to contact me while he was in Singapore. I didn't think he'd call me from the ship! I just couldn't imagine!
R: Is this Prawn?
P: OhmyGOD is that YOU, Ryan?!
R: Yes, it's me!
Man... Now I miss him even more. I've saved every single email he's sent me thus far... and that takes up alot of space. Maybe it's time I transfer them into little txt files like I did with almost all my friends from overseas, with their mailing addresses and everything.
*sighs* And then I had to take a crap. What a bummer. I'm just gonna wait until he either calls back or emails me telling me he can't call or will call back later.
Oh wait, I just received an email that said he'd call later.
No wait! He called back!
He's going to call again this week!
*hugs herself to oblivion*
. // prawninator | 20:29 + ~
When I came back from the chalet, the first thing I did was to SLEEEEEP! I was so tired. Keegan and Jane were already falling asleep by 6am, but what surprised me was Cannice and Rachel's energy. I was shuttling between sleep and consciousness, but those two were running on the beach and laughing and stuff. Heehee.
Later that night I went with Samantha to attend Shannen's sister's wedding dinner. The food was okay, but the waiter that served our table was cute! Sam even wrote a little note and passed it to his partner before we left. And he actually called back! By then I was at Josh's house watching soccer. Spent the whole night (and Sunday) over there. Josh's house was pretty... pretty. But I kept on hitting my head by accident on his bedside table. Nyargh.
But presentation today was okay. Considering how jittery I was, the last presentation being last year and stuff. *shudder* And I had a niiiiiice long nap too!
Maybe I should just sleep some more...
I found this cute little recipe thing in Samantha's blog. Seems that whichever username I choose, I still get "fitness" somewhere there. Maybe it's a sign...
. // prawninator | 17:54 + ~
Did I tell you that I didn't get through to the second round of Singapore Idols? Well... Neither did Peter (the guy in the picture).
And we haven't really failed anyhow, just thought it was appropriate at that point of time. Ah well. Too bad for me then...
. // prawninator | 23:23 + ~
Well... I'm sorry to all.
. // prawninator | 16:57 + ~
I'm now labeled as "The Cig Snatcher".
I'd like to apologise to all those I've "snatched" cigarettes from. Every single one of you. And rest assured it will not happen again. If it does, all of you have the priveledge of bonking me on the head or doing to me whatever you deem fit, as long as you let me know what the hell I did to make you bitch about me. Bitch about me in my face, but never behind my back...
As for Michelle's birthday thing tomorrow... I think I'll give it a pass. Not that I don't mean well. I just don't feel too comfortable. Don't ask me why, it's how I feel. I don't fit in anywhere. Maybe except for Sam. But she's just one person, as am I. We don't even talk much after class. So I'll just head home like every other day. I'm sure my presence (or the lack of it) wouldn't change anything.
. // prawninator | 15:32 + ~
If I have offended anyone, just let me know.
Don't keep me in the dark.
. // prawninator | 00:05 + ~
I'm not really good with telling you face to face, so I'll write it here, hoping you'd read it... but I don't want to confront you either. I just want to know why. I just want to clarify things. Okay? Okay.
Rachel, this is for you. From the way you look at people to the way you speak to people, I know you don't quite... "like" me for some reason. The face you give me, the tone you give me. It's as though I'm a bloody piece of rubbish.
What am I, a piece of snot-filled tissue that you detest and then discard? You know, if you don't like me so much or anything, just fucking tell me, all right? Don't give me that kinda black face. It's really hard to even communicate with you and such. I try to be nice, but all I get is that very same black face and an unintelligible grunt in reply.
So I would really like for you to tell me, instead of just... talking behind my back and stuff. I really hate things like that. I've suffered that in secondary school, and subjecting me to cold shoulders even here, is tolerable, but just barely. I just don't want history to repeat itself.
The worst thing, I don't know why you're doing this.
Maybe I'm just oversensitive, but comparing how you speak to me and how you speak to the other people around you, for example, the REST of our classmates save Jac, it really seems as though you have something against me. And something bad. It really pains me, because I treat you as a friend... but somehow or other something happened somewhere along the way and this is what happened.
Enlighten me, will you?
Slap me across the face or anything, at least that's a better response than that face and a grunt. Makes you seem more human, know what I'm saying?
Listen. One thing I hate is to lose a friend. I feel uncomfortable hanging out with you guys now, that's why you see me flitting about the cliqués. I don't click well with you, I don't click well with Jason or Jeremy, I don't click well with anyone.
Maybe it's best I be alone.
Not as if I'm not used to it.
It's painful, yes. But if it makes everyone else happy, then so be it.
. // prawninator | 23:06 + ~
The sand seeps through her fingers
. // prawninator | 11:27 + ~
Damn it all!
I'm so gonna wear a turtleneck tomorrow.
. // prawninator | 20:28 + ~
personality tests by similarminds.com
. // prawninator | 19:22 + ~
first, ryan had to go back to the ship today, which will leave for okinawa. and then i failed the damned singapore idol auditions. had i known this would have happened, i would have bloody stayed a while more with ryan before he left.
peter, fion, mervyn and cordelia didn't get through though. garry got through. good for him. heh.
im just gonna crawl in my shell now and die.
. // prawninator | 22:00 + ~
After typing the previous entry, I had sneaked out of the house to head back to the hotel where Ryan and Rez were staying. They had bought Monopoly (Singapore Ed.) that day and were pretty excited about playing it, so they had a couple of friends over and they played before I arrived. Everyone had left by the time I had gotten there.
So I spent the night with Ryan.
I think it's at this point of time that I felt something tugging inside me... I told him that I had fallen for him... and I was scared of losing him. He told me the same thing, and all we did was hold each other, before falling asleep in each other's arms. Bjössi had warned me against falling for him. He told me that when he would have to leave (eventually), it would hurt like hell. But I did anyway. I mean... How could anyone not love Ryan? He's such a beautiful person...
I headed to school in the afternoon but came back in a jiffy, to find a sleeping Ryan in Rez's room. I just sat down next to him, and he was like, "Hey there!" in a really drowsy and surprised voice. His smile... I can't forget his smile. I can't help but smile back, no matter how shitty my day had been. Spent the evening with pizza and Monopoly. Ryan really bankrupted Rez and I. We were both gone even before we knew it. After a few more beers and pizza slices, I said my final goodbyes to Rez before he retired to his own room.
And then reality sank in, knowing that Ryan would have to leave tomorrow.
I don't think I can handle this..
. // prawninator | 23:54 + ~
I'm -REALLY- tired. Last night Jane, Michelle, Rachel, Jessie, Ryan and Rez (the two Caucasian guys) were at Coyote Ugly last night. And Rez got drunk, so yeah it turned ugly. At this point of time, I'd like to apologise to everyone whom he tried to touch, grope or lick. It was the alcohol talking. Usually he's not like this, I think. Heh.
So Ryan and I had to drag Rez by his ass all the way back to the hotel where they were staying, after which Ryan and I returned to the club (which was, thankfully, just down the street) and had one last drink, one last dance and stuff, before heading back.
And now, I'm tired, sleepy and really stink of alcohol and smoke. Ugh.
. // prawninator | 18:20 + ~
It was a beautiful morning. I found myself in the other bed at 6am because the night before, Ryan snored REALLY loudly. It was quite funny, actually. Kinda cute too, to watch him sleep. So while he was still asleep, I crept into bed next to him and just cuddled up next to him, and then he just pulled me close and snuggled up with me.
What happened next was... heavenly, to say the least. Let's just say it was the best morning I've ever had in my entire life, he was gentle, tender and just so sweet. He had this... touch that made me tingle all over, and his gentle kisses were like a drop of heaven. Each. I really don't want to share this, it might seem as though I'm publicising everything we did and ruin the value of it altogether, but I felt the need to record it down in one way or another.
We headed for breakfast with Rez at the hotel and then on towards Great World City, where we spent the entire afternoon. The guys went and got themselves a pedicure and we had lunch at Seoul Garden. After that, we caught Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban before heading down to Coyote Ugly. POA was hmm-hmm (so-so), as it had nothing to do with the book AT ALL. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. It wasn't too bad, the cinematographics and all.
Then went to meet Rachel at City Hall, then took a cab together down to Coyote Ugly.
After CU Ryan and I headed back to the hotel.
And so I slept over. Again.
. // prawninator | 23:22 + ~
So I guess he didn't forget my number after all.
Met Ryan for the first time today at Hard Rock Cafe. He didn't look anything like the tiny picture he had on his HOTorNOT profile, so I couldn't really recognise him. I think it's the sunglasses. :) He doesn't look very good, really. But he's sweet, and charming and everything. It's almost as though I've met Mr. Nice Guy himself. It's crazy!
We had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. Dinner was okay, I had grilled chicken that tasted vaguely like rubber, and a drink called "Hurricane" which was terribly strong and overly bitter, after which we had a couple of beers and smokes at Excalibur. After that, we headed down to Arab Street where we had Apple Mint sheesha. Rez got hooked after a while, and I was just pretty tired myself, having had school for the entire day before this. I then decided to stay over with Ryan at his hotel room, as my parents had locked my door and gone to bed.
I had initially expected him to do something funny to me, but no. He was extremely gentlemanly and polite with me the entire time, and we didn't really feel like sleeping yet, so we stayed up to talk for a while, and then fell asleep in each other's arms. It was a long time since I had ever felt this way about someone, besides Patrick and Jonathan. Even Ewen didn't make me feel like this.
And I was right. This is gonna be one hell of a week.
. // prawninator | 23:44 + ~
I'm happy for Patrick. He's found someone, and it seems to me that he's really... happy. No, seriously. I am happy for him that he's met this lovely girl from where he used to work. She seems sweet so far.
As for me, *shrugs* I'm only twenty. I've got a coupla more years to enjoy myself, so why not? I have a date later. Or some sorta date anyhow. It's been two hours since they've docked and he hasn't called yet. Maybe he doesn't have my number or forgot to take it from the ship. In which case, too bad for me.
Well.. It's defintely gonna be one hell of a week, that I'm sure.
. // prawninator | 19:21 + ~
To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.|
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
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- idm website
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- halloween photos
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