Zhou Pei Lin

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

Yin Yang

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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Bumped into Shichao, an old classmate of mine from when I was in secondary (high) school years ago. I haven't seen this guy in five years, and the fact that he remembers me by my Chinese name is interesting, as I had my name changed in 1996 to Perlin.

I was working yesterday, and he happened to come by the shop. I was shocked to see him as he was to see me, working, and in retail, and in a game store. We talked for a little bit, and I realised how all, or almost all of them still kept in contact, went out on gatherings and stuff like that. I never fit in, so I was never asked. And it's not like I didn't try to stay in contact with at least one of them.

I remember the last time I tried to stay in contact with them. Natalie called me asking me for help regarding some art project, and needed to know where to find materials. Naturally, I asked her to head to Art Friends in Bras Basah. I asked for her phone number, just in case she needed a guide, and her response was cold with a hint of what might seem (though unlikely) like she was looking out for my convenience, "No need lah, I'll call you." It's been four years, she never called back.

Months ago, Debbie came into the shop with her boyfriend also from school. The look she gave me when she realized who I was, was so acidic, I couldn't believe she still harbored bad feelings even after so many years. Apparently, she must have. It was sad, I remember being so upset about it, all I could do was just keep quiet and smile. I couldn't say anything for a while.

Even Weijun, and the twins were alot warmer.

I'm quite saddened by this.

All I was, was a fat, nerdy girl in class, ostracized by everyone, another voice in the alto section of the choir, a student who wanted nothing more than to get out of that place as soon as possible. That's all I was. I was nobody's friend, save for one or two (big hugs to Weiyi) from my batch, and a couple more from two batches after me.

I never belonged to any cliqué in school, never really had any friends, and it only bothered me once I left, as I felt alone, I had no one to talk to, I had to try and socialize all over again from the very beginning. It was difficult for me as I never really had trouble keeping to myself, and going out of my way to make friends was a challenge. But I grew out of that.

Now, I only have a small circle of friends whom I try to meet up with on a regular basis, when my workload allows. I don't mind, I'm happy. I've grown to like people, honestly. I've grown to like talking and socializing, but I'll only open up to people close to me. But as to my old classmates, nothing can change what they think about me.

Maybe I should even bother going to their gatherings. Maybe all they did on these gatherings were to talk trash about me behind my back. But really, I don't care. I'm a stronger girl now, even if they wanted to talk trash in my face and think I wouldn't retaliate, they're in for it.

Maybe my ostracization was a good thing.

. // prawninator | 21:36 + ~

Friday, November 25, 2005

In response to this article.

It's games like this that really get my blood boiling sometimes. It's just a sickening manifestation of someone's deluded beliefs, and in turn spreading it to impressionable people who might (or already did, in Prussian Blue's case) take it seriously, and start a racist group or whatnot.

This is why there are school shootings.

This is why there can be no racial harmony.

I feel comfortable in Singapore where there's racial peace (figuratively speaking, in the light of all these racist bloggers being caught in recent months) and harmony, and I don't have to be scared about going anywhere I please. After all, most Singaporeans are Chinese anyway. Any enimity between us is entirely personal, and can be intra-racial too.

From Wikipedia:
Ethnic Cleansing: a racist computer game developed by Resistance Records, an underground music label specializing in Neo-Nazi and white supremacist bands. In the game, the protagonist (the player can choose either a skinhead or a Klansman) runs through a ghetto murdering black people, before descending into a subway system to murder Jews. Finally he reaches the "Jewish Control Center", where Ariel Sharon, Prime Minister of Israel, is directing plans for world domination. The player must kill Sharon to win the game.

"The game was developed using Genesis3D, an open source game engine.

"The Anti-Defamation League publicised the existence of the game and has lobbied the developers of Genesis3D to change their licensing conditions to prohibit the use of the engine to develop racist games. They have also lobbied the Interactive Digital Software Association to encourage their members to adopt such policies."

From the marketing blurb: "The Race War has begun. Your skin is your uniform in this battle for the survival of your kind. The White Race depends on you to secure its existence. Your peoples enemies surround you in a sea of decay and filth that they have brought to your once clean and White nation."

I realize that in the twins' case, it's their parents that did the damage, the girls having been brought up in an neo-Nazist home. It's just saddening to me, call me an idealist, but I really prefer having a multicultural society. I mean, there are endless things to learn from another race, another creed. It's just me.

Well, I don't know. I'll have to think hard on this.

. // prawninator | 23:34 + ~

Thursday, November 24, 2005

It's Thanksgiving in America, apparently. How did it start? I'm not sure. I'm not American, I only know how the Shopping Season starts here. Hehe, heh. Anyway. I think it was when a group of pilgrims just got together and gave thanks for everything, thus turning it into a commercialized holiday with the likes of Christmas and Valentine's Day, with the turkey and the pumpkins and what not.

Reminds me of Harvest Moon for some odd reason.
(fun fact: Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town was released on my 20th birthday!)

So since it's a time to give thanks, this is what I should do.

So, to all my friends, I know this might sound cliché and corny, but I'm glad I got to know you and I'm thankful you are my friends. Since thanksgiving IS about giving thanks after all, I'm extending my thanks to you, for being there for me. Love you all.

I'm also very thankful for Chris, who's been there for me, who's seen me at my worst, my drunkest, and my best. Who's stuck by me even though I was terrible to him. He's been kind, generous, and has never let me down. For this I am grateful. I'm also very grateful to his parents, who have shown me endless kindness and generosity.

But most of all, I want to thank my own family. Whatever shit I've been through, they were there for me. So they don't have a choice, but I think even if they did, they'd still be adamantly on my side.

Kai, thanks for being my cheeky little bro. Love you.

Everyone else, anyone I've missed, you've affected my life in one way or another by just being there, whether as just as a passer-by or as a customer of mine, or a dear friend. Without you I probably wouldn't have turned out this way, and for that I'm thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

. // prawninator | 22:59 + ~

Monday, November 21, 2005

The magic is in your hands. The role you choose to play will shape you. And it will shape the world. Within you lies the potential for a forest of friendships. Sew it well; sew it sincerely. With dedication you will reap its fruit.

In recent years, we've witnessed the real world dramatically change. In this fictional setting, the drama retains its power. The fictional world you will live in tomorrow is the
world that you are creating today. And that fictional world will influence your real world. From the inside out, we define reality.

Only when your role is threatened, you will learn how well you have created it. If you fold easily, or build a wall against an opposition, then the character is dying. Only the dead are rigid; the living are supple, grow and adapt.

Keep the spirit of imagination alive. This childlike quality reinvents the world. Fantastic imagination is a welcome blessing to a mundane world. Exercise your creativity; your life, your spirit, depends on it. Without it you may become hard and brittle, mundane.

Let the spirit speak you. When you give yourself up to the role for the duration of the fiction, you will experience a bit of magic. Just as giving yourself up to the flow of a movie or book, enacting a fictional persona without regard of your extra-fictional existence, you will have twice as much experience. You will be at once the author and audience. And you will become the star a drama whose ending even you cannot predict. Shakespeare, through Hamlet, asked "To be or not to be?" You have chosen to be. So be--completely.

As you are choosing the role and weaving the web of the world that you will live in, of course it will be for your enjoyment and the enjoyment of your companions. Enjoy. If at anytime you are not enjoying the role you are playing, consider how you may begin to enjoy it. If your fellows are not enjoying it, then be so kind as to consider that, too.

You will become a role model to those that will follow in the footsteps of time. You already are an example at every moment. So set an example that you will be proud of. Set an example that you will remember and all will remember fondly.

Every time you meet some another character within the world, especially a new character, you have a chance to inspire the character. Use it well. Set the stage for the entrance of this new character. There will be nights when the favor is repaid to you from the most unexpected sources. You'll find your prejudices and presumptions overturned. You'll discover the flame live within those whom you had silently dismissed.

As others follow the role, the fabric of the world itself will contain threads that you had sewn. Each Aisling has a unique spark, a unique gift of imagination and spirit. Do not cast anyone in your mold. Instead find the fire that is there. Then, together, we may light the darkness.

To Be
The Magic of Role-Playing
David Kennerly, March 20, 2003

. // prawninator | 16:20 + ~

I had weird dreams the past few nights. I don't know, it sometimes just makes me wonder about things. How small Singapore is, but how we just never seem to see a person you really want to see. Sure, it's small, but we're densely populated, and you might just pass the guy along without ever knowing he was even there in the first place.

I'm talking about my cousin, Kevin. I've mentioned him a couple of times before, but I just think it's really odd that I dreamt about him. I don't even remember what the dream was about. All I remember was that he was in it. And that we were talking as though we had still been talking for the past few years, since I was fourteen.

I'm twenty-one, almost twenty-two. I haven't seen him or his parents since I was thirteen or fourteen. I remember calling him up once while he was in the army; It was his birthday. And that was the last time I ever heard from him or his family. I'm still not sure what happened, really.

We used to be close as kids; Grandma used to take care of both of us as our parents worked the day away. Grandma (God bless her soul) used to take us out to the zoo, go out shopping, everything. It was fun, but I guess we were kids. We grew further apart as we grew up, until we (our families) lost contact in general.

Oh well. I actually started the ball rolling in Friendster. Emailed him there once to confirm if he's the same person I knew (Sorry, but is your name Jian Ming?) and he responded. Last corresponding email or such I ever received from him.

Oh well.

On another note, Lythania hit the big Six-O (60!) in World of Warcraft. Took me long enough, said most of my guildmates who were online at the time. I have been playing since February, and other than a short stint in Neverwinter Nights and then in Everquest 2, I came back full-force. I had been playing for 30 in-game days. That's 30 x 24 = 720hrs. Spread out over 10 months? That's just three full days a month. Assuming I played every day, that's only 2.4hrs a day. Meh.

When I actually came back to play, I noticed several new members to the guild. We jumped from 80 to about 190. Apparently, another guild merged with us. But we fit right in with each other, so it's all good. Anyway, about hitting 60, like Ahri put it, "Welcome to the world of doing the same thing over and over again to find gear so you can do something better." Not that it isn't, already. Hehe.

With my newfound l33tness, I don't wanna go to work today :D

. // prawninator | 11:18 + ~

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Sometimes, kids make me feel disappointed.

I have three terminals displaying certain games, like Dragonshard, Quake 4 and F.E.A.R., but I noticed that kids, and adults alike are so impatient, wanting to cut to the chase and go for the shooting. Don't they understand that certain games, like the abovementioned, have a storyline to follow, they end up shooting things they shouldn't, and not knowing the true depth of the game, not knowing how to truly enjoy it.


. // prawninator | 21:33 + ~

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I was just thinking about the guy that jumped in the mall about three weeks ago. Three weeks later and people are still talking about him like he was a legend. Once in a while someone would ask me if that really happened, and if I saw it, and if I knew what happened.

I just suddenly wondered if he saw his young life flash before his eyes while he was falling. What did he see? How did he feel? I never get to know, because they fade away before they can say anything. Before darkness consumes them.

What do I feel now?

My parents came back from Beijing early this morning, at about six. I was woken up before then by Eldritch and Ahri who were screaming "LYTH! LYYYYYTH!!" at the top of their lungs on Vent, in a dud attempt to wake me up. Which unfortunately, succeeded.

And I had an exam, my FINAL exam at 2pm the same day.

Needless to say I was quite moody. Mom called and woke me up to tell me to wake Kai up. So I did, but he didn't, as we were both still fast asleep, and we kinda slept through it, to our mother's ire. Oh well, sucks to be her at that point of time, I was way too tired.

Exam time came and went.

It was alright, I don't think I'll be guaranteed a pass though, so here's my fingers crossed and I hope I get at least a passing grade, otherwise I'd have to work on it AGAIN and I'm sure I don't want to see KL's face again in a long, LONG time. I mean, who would even want to for that matter?

Dad came home later that evening, and he told me that he had lost his job. I didn't know what to think. For one thing, my dad is 57 years old. It doesn't matter if he has a phd or not, he is FIFTY-SEVEN years old. He's not gonna be able to get another job, I don't think. And with my qualifications, I'm not able to get a better job than what I have right now.

Two thirds of my family income has gone. Two thirds. And we weren't living very comfortably in the first place. I tried to help out. I became self-sufficient, only asking for help when I needed it. I can't support my family like this. I still haven't completed my studies. My brother is halfway through polytechnic. I'm afraid.

I don't know a day where my dad wasn't working, where my mom wasn't working for the family. I was always sent to my grandmother's for caretaking until they came home from work. Even when my dad was in Austria. I missed him terribly that time I remember.

I'm at my wits end. I've been crying with my mother.

But I have to be strong.

As much as I want to say that money is the root of all evil, people need it too. I'm broke. I have no money. In fact, I might lose my job soon too. I don't know what's going to happen and how, or when. But I would appreciate any help if possible.

Right now, I see my life flash before my eyes.

. // prawninator | 00:36 + ~

Thursday, November 03, 2005

I'm getting more and more annoyed with the comments I find in GamePolitics.com. I mean, can't those people see that the one of the only things keeping Jack Thompson at his campaign are our so-called "snide" comments about him, and insults thrown left and right? Why do you think he keeps on returning to the site in the first place?

I've been keeping a close eye on the site, and believe you me, the mental state of the gamers that post there seem like they are going to the dumps as well. I mean, calling Jack Thompson names like "Jackass" and "Arsewipe" isn't going to help us any one bit. One particular poster who goes by the handle hilaryduffgta is particularly acidic.

I've already expressed my annoyance on the minority of gamers calling him names and throwing insults in a previous post, so I'm not about to do it again, I'm just saying that we as gamers should learn how to be more mature about this. It ain't gonna bring us far if we keep slamming on Jack Thompson, no matter how much of a moron he seems like he is.

Ah well, Jack Thompson's welfare is none of my business anyway, why should I bother so much? Maybe it's because I'm so tuned into games right now, everything that threatens to take it away from me must DIE. Or something like that.

I just realised all I post here is either about Chris, Ryan, and/or games. I need to find another hobby or another subject to write on. Haha. I've decided to draw a little bit again; doesn't really work that well due to my schedule, but I sure as hell will try. Oh, and I've found some recipes which I'm anxious to try too.

Damn, gotta go home to do the laundry.

Mom and Dad are coming home from Beijing on Monday morning; gotta clean up the house a little bit and hide the cigarettes or I'll be in deeeeeeeeeeeep trouble with them. Gotta remind them that I'm going to see Chris in March too. Mommy seems quite receptive so far, and Dad reckons he's all right. I'm not about to let Chris go. I've done it once before, and I will NOT do it again.

Even though he annoyed me enough to want to log off on him the other night when he was pestering me to get a full-length picture of myself taken. Bah. I should have. That will teach him. Nyeh. But anyhow, I finally gave in and asked Eric to help me take the picture. Now I just have to wait for Mom and Dad to return home with the camera.

. // prawninator | 19:49 + ~

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain,
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain"

November has come. It was Samantha's birthday Sunday, and tonight was Halloween, which despite all the hype and preparations, I never really participated in, due to the lack of peer participation. Even though I was "dressed to kill" like the cab driver said. Oh well. No biggie. There's always next year. And the year after next and so on and so forth.

Honestly, I can't really be bothered.

I just like dressing up in black every once in a while; I know it's not really my color as I'm a pretty cheerful person in general, but I like black. On me, anyway. It makes me feel morose, tones me down a little despite how much candy I could have had earlier.

Speaking of candy, my brother discovered the Candy Empire in Millenia. Whoopie, he bought us enough chocolate to drown us both. Hehe. I still owe him $20 for dinner last night. He went crazy and bought us a seafood feast; it was AWESOME. Barbecued stingray, chilli la-la, and compared to what we had been surviving on previous nights (basic sandwiches and some homemade shepherd's pie) it was just too good.

My funds are dipping. Sure I'll get another bit of cash with October's pay.. but I don't think I'll be getting as much this time as I did, considering the number of sick leaves I took (hey, I work in retail and if my leg acts up, what can I really do about it?!). Due to my injury years ago, I still can't walk properly nor straighten it all the way. Does anyone even notice that?

Well, it acted up again recently, and it hurts like the fucking dickens. But the doctors cannot issue me an MC because technically, they cannot find anything wrong with my leg. They just prescribe me painkillers and let me go. And with that, I not only spend my money on seeing the doctor, I DON'T GET SICK PAY.

Mister Manager thinks I'm skiving. Well, Mr. Manager, why don't YOU go fucking tear your ligaments and dislocate your fucking knee, then put on 50kg worth of fucking weight on your fucking shoulders?! It's not as though I don't want to work. I love my job. I absolutely love my job and there's almost nothing else I'd like to do.

I love games. I love being around people.
I love my job.

BUT I hate the management. And it takes a LOT for me to hate something/someone. I may get complaints about me from customers, and whatever. I can't make every fucking person happy. What about those people that actually LIKE me for fuck's sake?! It means I'm doing something good SOMEWHERE right?! So fine, judge me by my wrongs and negatives, and turn a blind eye on what I actually succeed in doing.

Whatever. Want to fire me? Sure. Bring it.

I don't need managers or people or customers to trample all over my "pretty little head" because I'm a fucking woman. Yes, Mister Customer, I know you think that women know LESS about games than guys. Let me tell you something. WE KNOW JUST ABOUT THE SAME, IF NOT MORE. You think only men know about chipsets and graphics cards? You think men only know which mousefeet is best for your mouse? You think only men know which game would better suit your tastes?

Well fuck you.

You're no better than the Male Chauvanistic Pig Next Door. Wait, I'm sorry. You ARE the MCP-next-door. Maybe not next door, but you get my drift, don't you, Mister Customer? Keep your fucking mind open will you? I'm sick and tired of people thinking that women can't play games. Even the WOMEN themselves go, "I'm a girl, I don't play games!"

The world is going to end.

. // prawninator | 03:17 + ~

To whoever you are, wherever you are, I love you. I probably don't know you yet, but when I do, I'll know, and so will you. And you'll love me for who I am, as will I.

You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.

Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.

It's just a matter of time.

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