And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
|
. // bloglinks +
airina
artieee
bjössi
brandon
caterina
chillicrapblog
chris (one-year-gap)
cordelia
dhalif
donald
ember
ewan
ewen
fadil
frances
giggs
guthrie
huiwen
ian
ivy
jane
jay
kenny
labbit
leck koon
leonard
linus
marcus
maria
melissa
melvin
michelle
morganth
nat ho
nat yong pamela
potatobiscuit
pris meimei
rudi
sade
samantha
sidney
siew ling
silver
sharon
stacy
terentius
travis
tom
wenting
zhen ru
. // archives +
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We were just two people who were good friends, tried to take it further, and screwed up. In the process, I lost a bit of my emotion, and got myself broke, as well as lost other random things that are still stashed somewhere with Ryan. But being the nomad that he is, I doubt he'd want to lug my jacket around for much longer.
Good news though; I just received my $70 purchase, my Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children OST! I'm happy happy happy happy happy. No, really. This is a better fix than candy. And I'm sure you know how much I love candy. The box is SO SHINY. So was the DVD, actually, but that's beside the point.
Speaking about candy, Samantha told me about this HUGE candy store over in Millenia, and I was hopping from aisle to aisle, looking at candy and debating how much I can spare. In the end, I bought some grape sticks filled with Willy Wonka NERDS, and some butterscotch hard candy. So I'm doubly happy. The grape sticks were awesome, but I can't find them anywhere else. Ah well.
Chris swears he's gonna lug me to a gym after my candy binge. Meh. The only way he'll get me to a gym is if he cuts off my legs so I can't run away. I don't really like working on machines.. that so many other people have perspired on.. Eck.
Talked to mom. I tell you, she's like the cutest mom I know sometimes. She made me lie down on the couch, and pulled up a chair next to me, therapist-style, and started asking me questions about Ryan and what I'm going to do, with her glasses down low. I couldn't help but giggle at her throughout the conversation.
Babble babble.
I need my fix of games; couldn't play any as my assignment is due up on Tuesday and I haven't yet started. I AM SO SCREWED. Well, I'm working on it. As well as a host of other things, but still.
. // prawninator | 12:42 + ~ "What's your problem?" he said to me at around 1am. I assumed he saw my most recent post on this blog of mine. I had to remain calm because of what I was about to say to Ryan.
Lately I've been noticing the deterioration in our relationship. Apparently, he feels that he doesn't have to answer to me, or to anyone, and I feel the need for him to. So both of us are wrong, in a sense.
After his initial outburst, he too calmed down, and we talked. Honestly with each other. The first time in quite a while. I just had to know what was weighing in his mind, why he was so distant. He just didn't see me moving there; he doesn't see any future with us. And I understood.
Distance brought us together... and distance pulled us apart. But I'm all right. At least, I will be in due time. It is, after all, a fast paced world. Gotta be one step ahead, or you'll fall behind.
Thanks Ryan, for a good time in Virginia.
And thank you, for loving me.
I'm sorry that it has come to this, but what has to happened, happened. I might not be your girlfriend anymore, but I'm still here for you, and you know that. Just don't forget that.
Looking forward to play something with you again.
. // prawninator | 03:29 + ~ Ryan, I think we need to sit down as adults and talk.
I don't understand why we're losing contact like this, it's driving me nuts. We hardly talk anymore considering how much we used to in the (near) past, and although I understand that you need your space, I also need to have constant (if not, a little more often than what this has deteriorated to) communication with you in order to make this work.
You don't respond on MSN, you don't respond in email, so this is kinda my last resort to get through to you. Let me know when you are able to discuss our relationship with me. And let's be honest with each other. Alright?
Just don't get mad, okay? Nothing will be solved if either of us flares up. I just don't want to lose the closeness, the friendship we once shared. That to me, is the most precious between us. That closeness.
Don't forget I still love you.
Always had.
. // prawninator | 14:59 + ~
A dark shadow rises within her
Overwhelming her being
Devouring her soul
Instilling within her, doubts
She had given her heart
To the one man she loves
But does he love her
She wonders softly to herself
He meant the whole world to her
She lives because of him
But does he love her
She ponders over this question
Tears cascade down her cheeks
Soaking her skin
Bathing her in emotions
Her mind reeling from fear
The fear of losing him
Was too much to bear
All she needed from him
Was a little reassurance
But reassurance did not come
She sits quietly in her corner
Knowing well he might never return
Return to her side
Falling into depression and sleep
She dreams of him
Dreams that turn unto nightmares
Of him walking away from her
She wakes with a start
Fresh tears staining her face
Feeling her heart pounding within her
Her lips muttering a soft plea
"Don't lie to me
My heart is with you
Don't abuse it
Please
You mean too much to me
I don't want to lose you
If you leave me
You destroy me
Do you truly love me?
Or was what we had a lie
A deception?
Or a figment of my imagination?
If it was something I did
Tell me
If it was something I said
Tell me
I feel insecure
I feel insignificant
I feel anxious
I feel fearful
All I ask is a little reassurance
That I am still yours
That you are still mine
That we still live for each other
If not, I pray you tell me the truth
And not keep me in the dark
Don't let me be the last to know
Please
If you don't love me
Free me from my anxiety
That I might learn to let go
But I want you to know one thing.
I love you."
And she knows it to be true
That she loved him with all she is
For she had loved no-one
The way she loved him
And she just silently prays to herself
Hoping she was just being oversensitive
And that he had
Loved her completely after all.
. // prawninator | 20:30 + ~ Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children DVD
= $90
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Zippo lighter
= $300
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Pieces Limited Box set
= $600
The look of pure white on your face when you receive your bank account statement at the end of the month
= Priceless
There are some things money can't buy.
For everything else, there's Mastercard.
(No, I didn't buy all that. All I got was the DVD and the OST. That's gonna set me back quite a bit, and for quite some time. Oh well, so sue me for being a consumer whore. I'm also eyeing the Cloudy Wolf earrings, which would set me back another 90..)
. // prawninator | 10:12 + ~ 20 Random Facts about me:
01. I'm deathly afraid of flying cockroaches.
02. I used to catch cockroaches as a kid to scare my classmates when I was 7.
03. Cheese gives me a high.
04. 42D.
05. I have an obsession with white military men.
06. I have a ZO free postcard collection.
07. The first time I had beer, I was 5.
08. When I get depressed, I put on weight.
09. I've only been gaming since 1997.
10. I'm a goofball of speed (according to Ryan).
11. I can sprint despite my size.
12. I look like a lardball when I sprint.
13. I first wore glasses when I was 5.
14. I have a birthmark on my right thigh.
15. My left ear is partially impaired.
16. My left leg is permanently injured.
17. My left shoulder is permanently injured.
18. My left wrist bears scars of an old relationship.
19. I used to be goth.
20. I'm a self-proclaimed nerd.
There, 20 random facts.
Because I'm bored, heh.
We established communication again, Ryan and I. He's moved nearer to base again, to cut on gas costs, but rent would be higher. I don't know how that works out financially, but I hope he knows what he's doing.
Anyway, Dragonshard exclusive launch with Atari this afternoon was kinda a flop. Nobody knew about it, save the customers that we had informed beforehand. There was almost zero publicity about it. I don't think the Dungeons and Dragons name would appeal to people as much as they would have hoped.
Then again, since when did my boss ever trust me? I did tell him I was sceptical about the purchase of so many pieces of Winning Eleven 8 for the PC, but you know what he said? "Winning Eleven WILL sell." Sure, for the PS2 or the XBOX, maybe. So now we're left with more than 5 pieces of a game that nobody wants anymore because the next season is coming out. Sometimes, he doesn't know better. Worse, he'll take it out on us.
I wouldn't go as far to say I hate my boss, but it's getting really, REALLY close. I don't like him at all, but I don't have much of a choice right now but to grin and bear it. Two of my colleagues leaving by the end of September would make my experience in the shop worse, but we'll see how things go.
Oh, Carl's Jr (or Hardee's) has taken an airplane with me and landed in Singapore, it seems. It didn't exist when I left Singapore, and when I come back, it materializes. Won't be long before Wendy's makes its appearance, I think. Mini-America. Haha.
"Sabetsu! SABEEEETSU!"
. // prawninator | 01:24 + ~ I just spent five hours waiting for Ryan to finish his movie on TV. But he probably went straight to bed, or fell asleep watching it. Haven't even played a game with him in a long time and when I had the time to.. well.. Some productive off-day I had.
Usually, I try to spend my off-days talking to him, as I hardly ever get the chance the rest of the week due to our clashing schedules and the fact that we live so far apart. But like I've mentioned before, I'm working like this, so I can close up the gap between us and I can finally be with him again.
I think something's troubling him. It seems like he's not telling me something and it's kinda bugging me. I mean, I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, right? Sometimes I wish he'd just talk to me. I want to be there for him but it's almost as though he doesn't want me to be.
I hate this feeling of helplessness.
But, I have to respect his space, I suppose. I've been the one initializing communication lately, but I don't mind. I don't press into matters, I give him his privacy. If he decides to tell me anything, he will eventually, I'm sure. Until then, I can only do one thing. Wait.
I look at my mobile phone, and I see a picture of him, not smiling, but not frowning, just wondering why my phone was pointed in his general direction. I see that picture every day. I don't want to see just a picture. I want to see him again. I've been dreaming about him for the past few nights, and in those dreams he seemed so close to me, and I felt safe, like how it was when I was with him; but I see him now.. and he seems so distant.
I miss him so much..
"Have we lost our memories together...?"
. // prawninator | 17:15 + ~ The previous post I wrote was officially my 500th post on Blogger. Wow. I've been maintaining this blog since February 2002, nearing the end of my relationship with Remy. Which by far, is a good thing, as both he and I are happy now.
Anyway.
I noticed that most of the teenagers that write in online journals nowadays write about their school woes, this teacher, that teacher, or the stupid stuff they did that day, or how badly they would have done in their exams.
I look back at myself, and what I was like then, and realised I was not ever like that. I never was any good at academics, and I disliked comparison by parents, and competition, therefore I never spoke much of it in the first place. Instead, I write about my emotions, and about who I'm (in love) with, and work concerns. Doesn't seem as trivial as beating so-and-so in English or Math.
Speaking of work.
I encountered a bitch of a customer yesterday. She had used the computer along with three other guys. So you know I work to manage the little LAN room, right? I normally do not give out their ID's that they leave with me at the start of their session until they pay up for their session, which is what I did. I had my hand on the cards, seeing how desperate the girl wanted to get at them.
When they paid up and I returned the cards, she remarked in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Why you hold the cards like that? Afraid we run off without paying issit?!" When I replied that it was standard procedure, she went, "Well you didn't have to slam our cards mah!" And she proceeded to slam my glass counter TWICE, implying that I did that. Before I could remind her that I had my hand over the cards as a safety measure, she flounced off; literally; with the three guys in tow.
That killed my mood for the rest of the night. And we were just about to close up to go home, too. I was so upset over this matter, I just hung out with Eric, Timothy, Daryl and their Australian visitor Greg for the rest of the night.
PM Lee Hsien Loong, HOW?!
With customers like her, how are we supposed to give good service? We try to do our jobs, day in, day out, and we encounter people like her. Do you know what sort of mood that puts us in? Why should I go out of my way to be nice to a person that was going to treat me like crap afterwards?
Someone named Dennis (not his real name) wrote to someone in the New Paper, and she wrote an article on the service sector. I agree with what Dennis said: "Some customers simply think they are kings and queens... They treat (sales) staff like their maids or even dogs. They have no concern for other people's feelings and throw their payment on the cashier's counter.."
All we crave is respect. Respect us, and in turn, we will respect you. That's how the cycle goes. Treat us like dirt, and don't expect us to be nice to you beyond the standard-issue smile. Behind that smile is a scorn that you will NOT want to experience, believe me. Which is why ever since I started work there, I try to be nice to the people who are serving me, be they counter-staff, sales, or waiters and waitresses. I know what they go through.
But seriously though, what choice do we have than to hide it? I feel like the "cashier that's ready to pop a gun on everyone", to quote Jack Nicholson's character in Anger Management. Nah, I'm not psychotic. Just really, REALLY angry.
. // prawninator | 21:36 + ~ Watched a little bit of Advent Children while in the shop. OMGWTF. It looks awesome, and like most movies, the good guy wins in the end. With a slight twist, it seems. I won't spoil it. I'll just say it's a good movie.
Aaron has watched it seven times.
Guohan and Aaron were both reciting the dialogue, translating it into Hokkien. It was funny just to hear them try to loosely translate everything they were saying in Hokkien. Like "Hurry!" became, "Hahg-kin la!" and Red XIII became "Ahng Tzahp Sar". We were laughing about it the entire evening.
Looks like I won't get a chance to get fired, though. Half the full-time staff is leaving in two weeks, to set up their own business. I'll miss them, though. They're fun to work with, and made my days pass by a whole lot easier than when I was just working with my manager and my boss.
Especially now, when the accounts seem to be looming in my face again. Did I mention how much I detest numbers? I belong out there with the people, talking to the people. Not with numbers. But if I'm to do the accounts again, I'm going to do it my way this time. If he refuses, I'll tell him to get someone else to do it.
I'm not bound by contract to the company.
Essentially, I can just leave and apply at another game store.
But times are hard, I'll keep what I've got for now, until the opportunity arises. Besides, I'm not too bad with money. I can keep my own two feet steady, and another's if need be; I'll just have to be a little more careful with my money (or stingy?).
Oh well.
... Oh crap. The file transfer just failed for some reason.
And I wasn't even doing anything. Gods...
. // prawninator | 01:48 + ~ Spent an entire hour this morning updating Everquest 2 because the new expansion, Desert of Flames is out in stores in the USA. I'm considering getting my copy off the net, considering how it took so long for the original to get here in the first place.
But the real issue is, as Ryan put it, "Guardians got raped in the patch" and that's exactly true. Now, I can no longer go against the mobs I used to be able to a LEVEL ago, the damage I'm taking being much higher and the damage I'm dealing being much lower. I need a good healer and a good group. But in order for that, I'll definitely need to be a good Guardian myself.
Gotta start using my defensive skills now.
Or maybe I should go back to World of Warcra--NO! *bangs her head on the keyboard* No going back to the World of Warcrack! Snap out of it, Perlin. You've got better games installed on your hard-drive than that.
Or maybe I should just play Battlefield and challenge Ryan to an Apache war. That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? Or challenge SOMEONE at least. Or maybe I could just play Lego Star Wars. Just because it's so cute.
No dialogue, which means no crappy voice acting.
Coke and keyboards don't mix, by the way. I just found that out while laughing at a joke found online, and I snorted my coke all over my keyboard. Eck.
Speaking of which, it's 4:20pm here. And I have only sold ONE GBA game.
We're so screwed.
. // prawninator | 16:08 + ~
I'm still a little at a loss on what to write, honestly.
Ryan and I are back together, even though our argument that was sparked by my previous posts shook its fist at me like an angry parent whose child's game couldn't work on their outdated PC.
Analogies aside.
It's over between Chris and I. Relationship-wise. Had an hour-long phone conversation with him about this matter. He will still be a friend of course, but a distant one. A choice that he made and I respected. The distance, I mean. We had agreed on not getting together again since March, actually, with that little situation with Ryan. He's been extremely supportive through my recent breakup with Ryan, but I found out tonight, there was also an underlying reason. No prizes for guessing what.
Which is why we're distancing ourselves further.
He understands I want to be with Ryan, though he doesn't understand why. I couldn't explain. It's not easy to place my emotions into words. Two years of emotions, torn and repaired over and over again, surely develops a stronger bond between the two people involved, I guess.
It can also work the other way around. Instead of strengthening a relationship, it might destroy one. But I understand his point of view, considering how far away from him I am. But I am working to close this distance, and I really can't do it alone. I need every ounce of help from him in any form, to make this work.
I can't do this alone, Ryan.
It takes two hands to clap.
I'm sure we can handle this.
Together.
// - edited - //
. // prawninator | 01:06 + ~ It's Super Mario's 20th Anniversary.
Ohmygod.
I'm just a year older than that classic.
. // prawninator | 14:48 + ~
Apologies to Ryan for a comment made (and removed) on my previous post. I admit, I have no reason to say he made me feel that way. So for his sake, and mine, I edited the offending comment.
It was not intended to hurt anyone.
Again, I'm deeply sorry..
. // prawninator | 08:11 + ~
I'm at a loss as to what to write anymore. Basically my life is going downhill ever since Ryan broke up with me. When I say downhill, I mean really. Downhill. To a rocky chasm below.
Let's put it this way.
I might lose my job because Dilip thinks I'm not doing enough for the company. He wants me to do the accounts AS WELL AS sales, but at the way it is now, it's going to take me longer to repair the damages caused rather than to overhaul it. I tried telling him this but he wants none of it.
"Crack your head and find an alternative." was what he told me. I wanted to tell him to go 'crack his own head', but of course, being a subordinate, I kept quiet and went about my given task, until the point where everything was everywhere in the inventory list, the sales and purchases, and quite irreparable. I gave up. And he was disappointed.
Gee, I'd tell him to do it himself if I could.
Then there's my whole emotional landslide. I have a couple of people keeping me sane, and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank them. People such as Linus, my customers, Chris, even, who sympathized with me even though I left him for Ryan in the first place. He calls me now and then from Iraq just to check to see if I'm alive and okay. Even my brother was rather supportive. Guohan as well. Darren and Glenn even took me out for supper the night he broke up with me.
Another almost unlikely source of support is Jaymee. A not-so-old classmate of mine, she has the kind of personality that anyone would like. I mentioned before that she got married recently and was bombarding me with advice, to which I'm absolutely grateful. She was the one who sent me (unknowingly) on my search for information on how to emigrate. This time, she just sat down with me and we just talked (over MSN lah), while Ryan was asleep.
She even mentioned how she'd also go back to Michael if he ever cheated on her for whatsover reason, if he wanted her back. I fully agreed with her. Then I looked at Ryan sleeping on the webcam. He looked so innocent, his face showing a great degree of peace, like nothing in the world could upset him, and I smiled. Because I am in love with that man. I know I am, and Jaymee just helped me to realize that even deeper.
And now, confusion sets in.
Remember how he found this other girl? I don't know how, the details are fuzzy. But he did, and apparently after a phone conversation, she didn't speak to him again. And because of that, Ryan sent me an SMS a couple of days ago, saying that nothing has changed between the two of us. My heart soared, and I was so hopeful. My face lit up and I could smile naturally again. I was going to be with him again. Right?
"I don't know." was his response when I asked.
My heart fell right down to the floor again. Uncertainty in relationships never sat well with me for some reason, as indecisive as I usually am. I like to know where we were going with the relationship, and work towards that. I'm already grateful that he hasn't cut off all communication with me like what Howard did for several months.
So there's still hope.
Or I like to believe there still is.
To tell you the truth... there's no one in the world I'd rather be with.. than Ryan. However much he's hurt me... however much we've been through, good or bad... I love him. And I want to be with him. More than he thinks, and more than he'll ever know.
Home is where I'm happiest.
And I'm happiest with him.
I want to go home.
. // prawninator | 01:11 + ~ This really has been, and still is the longest day of my entire life. As I mentioned in my previous post, Ryan and I are no longer together as a couple. We didn't argue about this, surprisingly. It just... fell apart. Like I was a bar bolted to something, and he was the loose screw (no pun intended, really).
Okay, nevermind. Bad analogy.
My thoughts have drifted to him all day. ALL DAY. I couldn't kick him out of my mind if I tried. Twice I looked down from the store to see how far I'd have to go, and if I'd survive the fall. Naturally I didn't jump or this wouldn't get online.
Every little thing around me reminded me of him. From Battlefield, to people asking about Dungeons and Dragons Online, to Pachelbel's Canon in D playing at Sembawang Music. Every little thing. And it stung. It stung so hard that I couldn't hold my tears back at all. I had to take a long break and sat at Rocky Master's with Guohan until the pain subsided a little.
My regular customers were more than a little concerned, seeing how red my eyes were, and how often I was dabbing my eyes and outright sobbing. I guess the usual cheerful Perlin wasn't around today, eh? Replaced by someone who was easily annoyed and very upset. I guess they could tell the difference.
My eyes are almost swollen shut and puffy from all the crying. It wasn't this bad when I had to leave Virginia. In fact, I still want to go back there. And I SWEAR I'll work on staying there permanently. If not because of him, because I want to.
I'm actually a little disappointed in him, to tell you the truth. I've been trying to find out information on how I can get a permanent residency in the USA, but all he did was to agree or disagree with me, and say he'll help.
But he didn't.
Quite the opposite, it seems. I mean, I was just about to tell him that I've found out how to go about obtaining a Visa and where to find more information on it, when he broke the news to me. I was also about to tell him that I just received my CPF money, and was thinking of opening a joint account with him, so we could both contribute to this cause, so we could both work on being together.
But I never told him.
I couldn't.
I guess, like Fei said, if you love someone, you gotta let him do what he wants. Trust me to be the gullible, vulnerable, submissive person I've always been. Maybe it's time for a change. My heart CANNOT take any more of this. This whole fiasco over the two years with him and myself volleying our feelings back and forth like a tennis ball has hardened me.
But I don't want to be selfish.
I don't want to be like him.
Yet, I feel like I have to be. I can't possibly be allowing all these men to climb over my head and take advantage of how I feel about them, like Howard and now, Ryan.
You say you love me.
So why can't we be together? Why can't we just work things out? You're unhappy with this relationship because I'm so far away. I bust my ass so we CAN be. I'm not going to put in any effort for you to shoot me down. It's not fair to me either. Why do you think that in the beginning of our relationship I asked if you were actually going to remain celibate?
YOU made that decision to, I didn't force you.
And I'm not forcing you to stay with me either. I just want you to know how upset I am, how disappointed I am. I hate being disappointed with people, and you know I don't hate easily. You were up on my pedestal. I treated you like a King. And I feel like I'm kicked away like a mere pawn.
Yeah, yeah. Perlin "Melodrama" Chow.
One more hour of work to go.
. // prawninator | 22:56 + ~
"But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you"
- Staind, Right Here
These words hit me the hardest this morning, after a long conversation with Ryan, whom I can hardly hold a conversation with for two hours on a morning. Any morning. Much less a weekend morning.
But why did those words hit me?
We broke up this morning. Kinda. Actually, he found someone else. Kinda. He wants to know where things go with this person.. and after much deliberation, tears, and a seriously long conversation, I can't do anything to stop him, can I?
Sure, he hurt me. But I have had enough of men climbing over my head. I'll see him in a different light now, as I used to see him as the last person I would be with. And he still is the last person I want to be with.
I guess you don't always get what you want.
Was being with him in the first place a mistake? Maybe. I had waited to be with him for two years. TWO YEARS. Since then, he's never left my head, or my heart. But he can't handle a serious long-distance relationship. I, on the other hand, am a veteran, and I know how much sacrifices one has to make. But he doesn't know how much emotions actually go into keeping one alive.
Never a day passes when I don't think of him.
"Never a day passes...do most of you ever truly realize how strong of a statement that is? How many of you, or I, have said the same words about something? A first love, your favorite memory, whatever it might be. "never a day passes."... never a day passes.
That means that everyday, from the moment it happened, or you realized it happened, that thought has always been in the back of your mind. perhaps not dominate, but definatly prevailing on your consciousness."
There's a huge pain in my chest area right now. I can't cough without feeling pain, laugh, or cry. And I need to cry. I need to cry so much until my throat, eyes, and nose hurts. I don't want to, I need to.
i feel so lost right now...
. // prawninator | 10:16 + ~
HAH!
Aaron lent me his copy of Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! for the Nintendo DS, while he plays Jump Superstar. I swear, ever since I saw that game, I've wanted to get my hands on it. BUT IT'S SOLD OUT EVERYWHERE IN SINGAPORE!! And I mean EVERYWHERE. Ouendan, I mean.
I still can't complete some of the stages in hard mode. Makes me wonder how I'm ever going to get there should I buy the game for myself in the near (hopefully, VERY VERY near) future. It's driving me nuts, yet I can't stop playing it. I swear I wore out a few grooves in my screen already.
I've gotten a few comments about my earrings while at work. One of my customers happened to be a PnP player in his own group, and told me that my earrings were the coolest thing he's seen in a while. My cheeks went red to that! Hehe. Matched my earrings at that point.
Right now I wish I wasn't so sleepy.
I could be playing EQ2 right now if it wasn't because I had to work full tomorrow (Saturday). That sucks, by the way, working full on a weekend, when everyone else and their brother-in-law is out shopping or chilling and stuff.
But weekend or not, sometimes our customers have the shittiest attitudes ever. IT'S PEOPLE LIKE US/ME THAT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO ON A WEEKEND, YOU PUNKS! We don't owe you a fucking livi-- maybe we do, but that doesn't give you the right to be a fucking asshole, dickwads! Bring your black faces and stinginess elsewhere.
Like today, some ass of a customer came in with his family, all haughty and stuff and armed with a PLATINUM AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD, demanding LOYALTY discounts because they come what, once a MONTH?! When I remark that people have come in here EVERY OTHER DAY and don't get as much as they were getting. I even offered to give them some demo games and open betas, but he refused, saying that he was the father of his son and will not have RUBBISH installed on his computer.
Oh, like the game he bought was any better.
So fine, I joked and said that HE could play it instead, and he was all like, "Oh, no thanks. I'm not so childish as to play games." I swear I could have bashed his head in. I should have just thrown his fucking game at him, along with a plastic bag and told him to go fuck himself where the sun don't shine.
The son was no better. "I don't come here once a month, MA. I come here TWICE a month." Oh sure, like that'd make him a more valuable customer. Besides, he comes, but he never buys ANYTHING. And he was all, "Daddy get this game for me!" and "Daddy I want this!" or "Daddy I need that expansion pack!" GOD.
If my kid ever turns out to be like that, I'll slap him across the face and tell him to go WORK for his money first. Like the Chinese say, one should learn how to earn his money before learning how to spend it.
I should stop ranting now.
But really, people who think they are all high and mighty and put other people down should burn. Burn and die. No, burn, SUFFER, and then live disfigured. See how high you can put that long, snooty nose of yours.
. // prawninator | 01:41 + ~ I'm suuuuuch a geek.
While I was in Arizona, I chanced upon game stores which sold tiny, little dice that are barely 10mm wide. I asked around online, and in person if I could turn my gaming dice into a pair of earrings, or purchase d20 jewellery, and some directed me to Crystal Caste's website. But USD$25 exclusive of tax and shipping PER DIE is way over my budget.
So I went and bought some dice. I must've spent like 20 minutes or so in each store deciding on which color I should get; I finally settled on a pair of red, clear acrylic dice, and a pair of turquoise, clear acrylic ones. Wanted an azure blue one, but it didn't have a pair. Also wanted a purple one, but for the same reason as the blue, I didn't get them.
Well, I finally did it. I went up to a jewellery store in Cineleisure and asked him if he could turn them into earrings for me, as I've already had them drilled, with the 20 facing out. Only cost me a couple of dollars too in total, about $2.40 for the dice converted to SGD, and $0.50 for the hooks.
I'm absolutely proud of myself for this purchase. Hehe. I'm not known to be a very conscious shopper, you see.. Spendthrift by nature, especially when I'm in a video game store. *shifty eyes* I mean, the Crystal Caste ones are lovely, but after shipping, tax and handling, I'd be broke.
Aren't they purdy?
I'm now proudly wearing my geekiness.
. // prawninator | 03:25 + ~ She likes to be in a dream world than to be in reality. She is weak and sensitive when it's come to "love". She can cry if her best friend is breaking up, and she can be excited when her friend gets a new boyfriend who is a good looking and rich even it is nothing concerned her at all. You might be surprised to see that she is shy just because she is in love. More or less it will be in Pisces woman. She loves small animals and gifted in training animals.
She has a sixth sense and she can guess what will happen next, it's in her nature. Even she has a good sixth sense, she can not pick or foresee her own choice of lover. She can not tell if she meet a sincere guy or a one night stand guy.
She likes to buy and pick her own clothes. She likes to dress cute and be cute. A Pisces woman tend to be a good looking woman and she has a nice skin. Her hands and feet are small and soft. Pisces woman loves to shop for shoes as if she collects them. She is a hot lady that everyone wants. Whether she has a man in her life or not, she will never try to overpower any man. It's not even in her subconscious thought.
She thinks men can handle things better, and she will make her man feel that way. She is an easy going person, so being with her is easy. She is a confident woman and likes to make people who stay with her happy. She knows how to please and how to comfort a man. If something is wrong, she will try to make other people believe that it must be because of someone else, not because of her loved one. She will not push her man to be ambitious but to make him feel like he should be happy with the way he is now. She is happy with you for what you are now.
If a Pisces woman had a bad childhood, she will always remember it and it will make her a very unhappy person. She will pity herself and feel sorry for herself. She tends to hurt herself with out knowing it and so vulnerable to drugs (real drugs or just sleeping pills). She has many choices and you can never tell which path she going to take. If you love her , then hold her tight because she never knows why she did what she did or what she will do next.
A complex character. You may think she is a shy innocent type and can not hurt anyone, then you are wrong. You might think she is a fragile person who needs protection, wrong again. She has been through a lot, a tough cookie. She is a dreamer and love the word "Love", so she is the type who will buy gift for anyone for any occasion, especially if it is a gift for wedding or an anniversary even for someone who she does not know so well.
She is emotional and extremely sensitive when she frequently gets hurt. She is the type who can cry her heart out.
She can has a secret fear inside, when she says she does not need anyone. She badly needs someone to protect her, but sometimes she can hide that feeling by being stubborn. She likes to hide her shyness and her weakness from her enemy. She does not like to follow any fixed rules. She can be a good housewife if you know how to handle her.
Many men will ask to marry her because she is a 100% woman. If she wants to be sweet, she can be a real angel.
.= Haha, nicked this off somewhere. Me, an angel? =.
. // prawninator | 22:33 + ~ Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded Sean responded!!!
Turns out he wasn't in Mexico (or Africa for that matter) but he was working in Houston when it happened, so he's okay! I guess he was kinda amused by how desperate I seemed, spamming him non-stop. He's all right! But he has an extra workload, considering the number of rigs destroyed in Katrina's wake.
Poor dude.
I'm just glad glad glad he's all right. His own home didn't get hit that bad, but I still don't want to ask what happened to his truck for fear he might go on a bout of depression (his vehicles are his babies).
Yay!
. // prawninator | 00:01 + ~ Spoke to Jaymee earlier today. It felt rather odd, considering how I hardly ever speak to her, the last time I really talked to her being last November. She was engaged to a foreigner, an Australian back in November.
And I just found out that she just got married this April in Perth. She and her husband look so cute together, quite frankly speaking. She was telling me of how hard it was to emigrate to Australia, how she had to prove that she wasn't marrying for the Visa, like showing evidence of a relationship, such as a year's worth of phonebills or correspondence. Which sent me on a determined search on whether or not it's the same for the USA.
She knew I was having problems with Howard then, and asked me if I had eventually managed to locate him, and I told her that we broke up shortly after our final examinations. She sympathised for a while, and dropped the subject, instead sending me her wedding pictures.
When I told her I was again involved with someone, she congratulated me, and somehow it seemed like she knew that I wanted this to last, instead of my previous "half-fuck" relationships, so she gave me all sorts of advice, and even applied some of it to her real-life situation.
Chris said it sounded like my fate was looming before me.
I don't know, I don't want to rush things. I love Ryan, that much is true, but he has to put his life in order again, in ways where I cannot help, even though I want to. Helping him financially is not enough to get him through.
Nobody knows how much I want to be with him again. So much, it sometimes hurts. And then I cry. At least he's not here to witness it. Downsides of long-distance relationships.. but this time, I'm more than determined to make this real.
But does he now doubt that I'm the woman for him?
Just random thoughts.. Had to write it down somewhere, as I'm coping with the loss of my Nintendogs cartridge for my DS. Oh well. There goes Cody and Fenner, my two prize-winning huskies.
. // prawninator | 01:04 + ~
| Your Fortune Is |
 Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it. |
. // prawninator | 00:51 + ~ I think too much
Therefore I am too much
. // prawninator | 14:38 + ~ Oh my God...
I just realised something.. Sean Mason, someone whom I befriended while he was working here (he came here twice, a few weeks at a time) was home at the time, in Jefferson, Louisiana. I didn't know.. I mean, I knew he was.. I just..
I'm worried about him.
I'm still trying to locate him. He's a strong guy and all that, but still there's always that nagging feeling in the back of my head that something might have actually happened to him, and I'm worried sick.
Sent him an email, spammed him with messages.
Then again, he might actually be in Mexico right now. Though I'd feel better if he had actually gone back to Africa instead. I don't know where he goes for his job. I'm just worried. And he just got himself that new truck too.
Quit worrying, Perlin..
. // prawninator | 17:36 + ~
I got my guardian level, woot!
I'm now a 20 Guardian on Antonia Bayle. Yay me!
. // prawninator | 16:17 + ~
I had a dream the other night about Ryan.
Instead of me leaving him, he was leaving me, and instead of me crying, he was the one wailing and crying, and just hanging on to me. I remember kind of looking into his tear-filled eyes (that almost made me cry too) and saying something along the lines of "it's all right, we'll be together again."
I guess maybe that was my subconscious telling me how much I want to be wth him, and not leave. Well, I don't really need my subconscious telling me that, honestly speaking. That feeling is kinda displayed on my sleeve. Like his eagle.
It's an EAGLE dammit, not a crow!
Anyway.. I realised one more thing about this dream of mine... he felt REAL. Yes, as in I could feel the wetness of his cheeks, and the softness of his skin. It felt so comforting, I slept through my alarm, hugging my bolster in real life, and him in my dream. I've had 'real-feeling' dreams like this before, but none as intense, that I could feel moisture.
As I said, subconscious.
Anyway, back to EQ2. Need to get my Guardian level.
. // prawninator | 01:43 + ~
You might be living in my neighbourhood, or some other town or country far away. I don't know. And neither do you, at this point.
Wherever you are, I know I'll find you... if you don't find me first.
It's just a matter of time.
. // links | misc +
- poorgamergirl auction
- email me
- [shop] wear your dice
- [shop] the poor gamer girl
- idm website
- idm forums
- halloween photos
The Poor Gamer Girl Fund
:D
We could use any help we can get, but you are not obliged to.
:)
